Me want to punch Dibble in groin

So, I'm watching a game late last week, and Rob Dibble made a comment that finally triggered just what it is that makes me dislike his commentary style. My memory sucks, so I'm only paraphrasing here, but Bob Carpenter was recounting a home run Cristian Guzman had hit the previous night. Dibble comes back with, "Well, Bob, you can see here [on a replay] that the pitcher left the pitch hanging out over the plate and Cristian was given a gift." Really, Dibble? Instead of taking the opportunity to say, "Good on you, Goozie" you go for the "Guzzie got lucky there" route? Fuck you in the ear, pal. It's shit like that that reminds me of how damn negative you are. The Nats pitchers always suck, don't they Rob? The hitters are never doing things the correct way, are they Rob? I remember watching a game in which Strasburg was having trouble with the mound (not the Cleveland game) and the grounds crew was coming out to treat the mound. Dibble went on a 3 minute long "how to" of what - exactly - the grounds crew needed to do. "The dirt needs to be more clay than red dirt and it needs to be rolled, then tamped blah blah fucking blah." It hit me that he's never once explained how he learns the things he says. And it hit me that he's stating all his opinions as facts. Look, Rob, if you want to say, "Well, Detwiler just did right there what you can never do..." maybe you'd sound a little less like a know-it-all douche if you followed it up with something that might humble yourself a little. Maybe something like... "And you know how I know you don't do that? I got my ass handed to me once when I threw an 0-2 fastball and didn't get it up high enough." You know what would also help? If Bobby Carpenter would call you on more of your criticisms. When you start ripping on a pitcher's command Bob would make my fucking day if he came back with, "Well you know, Rob, there is video out there of you missing an entire back stop with some of your pitches." And I would give Bob a huge hug and a peck on the cheek if he ever called Rob's bluff when Rob's ripping Drew Storen about allowing inherited runners to score when Dibble allowed 37% to score in 1993 with, "Wow, Rob, that advice will likely be accepted about the same amount of times those 17 women accepted your room number last night at the bar - zero." (Longest run-on sentence ever? Perhaps. Most words used to make a point? Yup.)
So, Rob, to sum it up - I'm in huge HULK SMASH mode these days regarding your commenting styles. So much so, that I made two shirts, just for you! If you would like to buy some, Rob, you can just click the pictures for a link to the store. Heck, you can purchase them with all the cash you robbed from Cincinnati in 1993. ($2.5MM for an ERA+ of 63, Rob? And a WHIP of 1.824? You got big balls showing up there again, my friend.)

Or

And finally, I was poking around the innertubes and came upon Mr. Dibble's Zazzle store. I think I saw this stuff a couple years back, but I completely forgot about it. Until today. I see that he has a slogan that he like to use on his stuff -



Well, I found his font and threw this together for him. Maybe he can put this on one of his shirts?

What I learned watching the World Cup

So, I'm home with the wife and new baby (Kaitlyn Hannah- born last Thursday, June 10th, which is the same day Matty fucking Chico was born!!!!1!!1!!!eleven!!) and have been watching most of the three World Cup games shown each day. I've learned a lot, especially about the rules and how the referees call fouls. Which is - they don't. Seriously. When they call a foul, they don't have to say who committed the foul, nor do they have to say what the fuck the foul even was! (Joe West is salivating at this and is seriously considering a job change.)
I also learned that Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo is the A.J. Pierzynski of soccer. He whines, cries, pouts, antagonizes, torments, molests, badgers, bully-rags, grates, irks, besets, and ruffles his opponents. He also dives like nobody's business. I mean, MY GOD! Check out this play that I recorded directly off the TV during the Portugal vs Ivory Coast game on Tuesday:

Fucking unbelievable.

On a totally unrelated note, how bout you cheap bastards visit a brother's spreadshirt shop and buy some goddamn shirts! I've got a new design up in honor of the guy playing some crazy defense at shortstop, Mr. Ian "Hee-Sop" Desmond. Check it:


I also have a couple other shirts up that I haven't posted. Have you checked out the shop and seen them? Yeah, you did? Sweet! Now, how come you didn't buy one? (Insert crying picture here as you have driven me to tears. Sniff.) For those that haven't checked out my sweet ass shop, here's another never before blogged item. Behold the goodness that is the El Drew K Crew and their blatant disregard for the law!


Those rebels! If they're not careful, the could end up in the clink next to other famous revolutionaries. Like... well, shit. I don't know any off the top of my head, but I bet there's a shit ton in North Korean prisons. (Did I just compare fans of Drew Storen to people locked up for standing up to a communist dictatorship? Fuck no!)

Alright. My shilling is done. Now, how about Johnny Lannan going out and getting us a win today - my very first Father's Day? That would be sweet! (You know what else is sweet? This kick ass shirt from this kick ass spreadshirt that my daughter got me for Father's Day! /Yanked off stage by The Sandman while screaming, "Just one more chance! Please!")

About that Berkman "check swing"...

Why yes... I do realize I'm late on this post. Give me a break, I'm busy lazy.
So, I prolly don't have to re-hash the events of the game. You can go here or here to find out that Matt Capps had Lance Berkman (Tony!!) at a two strike count and two outs when he threw a fastball on the outside part of the plate. Berkman swung at it, and missed.

Only the third base umpire said he didn't swing. He said Lance checked his swing. Here's a gif showing the swing from three angles so you can see what the third base umpire couldn't.

Now, shit shouldn't be this hard, should it? Seems like a simple "yup, he swung" to me. But then again, what the hell do I know? Let's ask Jim Riggleman...

Hey, Jim! Jim! Don't I possess an incredible amount of baseball knowledge? Enough that you regularly call me for my sage advice?

Oh, fuck you, Jim! How are you gonna call me out like that in front of all (three) of my friends? That's cold, dude. Just for that, I'm not gonna make a sweet ass t-shirt designed with you in mind!

What's that, guys? You want to know more about sweet ass t-shirts designed with Nationals in mind? Say no more! Just head on over to this kick butt spreadshirt store and buy a bunch of each model.

In fact, a new shirt debuted today. (And, actually, is the reason for me pushing this post back a day. Didn't really seem like yesterday was the best day to pimp a closer's shirt. You know.. with the loss and all...) Yup, get ready to have your wallets "Open up and say ... Ahh!" to this sweet bitch of a shirt:



That's right, kiddos, you too can own your very own shirt based on the song Matty Capps comes out to when dominating doods! I mean, look at the font! That's used by the band!!1!! Now, THAT is paying attention to details!!111!11 I also hear there's other colors over there.

Now, c'mon... do me a favor. Buy some shirts. I have a daughter coming into this world any day now. You want her with no shoes on her feet? That's right, folks. Her shoe money come's from the shirt money. Hope you sleep well knowing that there are rusty nails and broken glass just begging to plunge themselves into an infant's tender, soft, fresh skin.

/sniff

It's duck and cover time, folks.

Starting pitching line from Johnny Lannans last night:

6.1 IP 9 H 3R 2 BB 3 K

Pitching line for the rest of the 2.2 innings:

2.2 IP 8 H 8 R 3 BB 1 K

Or... for the readers that more directly relate to pictures rather than words, I can put it another way. (Feel free to click for the larger size, and save as your wallpaper!)



Now... I'm not sure about you all, but me? I'm thinking,

"GAARRRRRPPPPHHHHHLLLACCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!1"

So, get on the team a bit. Buy your asses a t-shirt, and help a brother make it to the bigs.

I actually visited Tyler last night after the game. And I'm quoting here...

Where in the world is Tyler Lee Clippard?

Did you buy your 'Free Clippard' shirt yet? Of course you haven't. (Which makes me sad, but that's a whole other post...) It's all good, though. I'll just pimp my shirt by my bad ass self.

Imagine the smile that hit my face when I ran across this in Brian from NFA's Twitter feed on Sunday morning.

NFA_BrianRHRP Tyler Clippard called up from Syracuse by #Nats ... no corresponding move yet (Colome to DL?) about 22 hours ago from web

Oh, JOY! I ran over to MLB's official transaction log to double check.


Sweet! They did recall him. I then run over to the Nationals site and check their 25 man roster.


Sweet! He's on the 25 man roster. There was a whole lot of speculation that Clippard was replacing Jesus Colome, since Colome left Saturday night's game in the 11th with what was called a 'right quad strain.'

"This just keeps getting better and better", I said at the time. So I ran down to Party City and bought a shit load of ticker tape. I was going to throw Clippard a party, whether he knew it or not, dammit.

Well, imagine the look on my face when Jesus 6.97 ERA Colome saunters out to pitch the 6th inning of Sunday's game. Since My animals can't take pictures of me (That whole opposable thumb shit and all), you're stuck with yet another picture of one of my pets. This time it's my lil' puppy I just picked up. I named him Mikey Mac after our new superstar one pitch closer. His expression mirrored mine.


So... Tyler Clippard is lost. Where is he? No one really knows for sure. All I know is that when I went to Party City to return my ticker tape they refused to take it back. "We're sorry" they said. "This ticker tape's been used." Apparently you can't take all the ticker tape out of the bag, hurl it off your roof onto the neighborhood dogs as they poop, and then stuff it back into bags and attempt to get a refund. Whatever. I'll just keep it and give myself a parade every time I walk down the street. Wearing my bad ass Free Clippard shirt.

I think the club could use Tyler Clippard

Hi, I'm Tyler Clippard, and I've done some horrible, horrible things to the folks in the front office of the Washington Nationals. I mean, what other reason could there be for me not being on the big league squad?
I guess I should try and mend some bridges...
Mr. Rizzo, I'm very sorry for running over your dog with that golf cart during spring training, but... really... who the fuck lets their dog run around the playing fields?
Mr. Acta, I'm very sorry for running over that hat that you love so much with a golf cart. You know... this one. But really, who the fuck wears fedoras anymore?
Mr. St. Claire, I'm very sorry for running over your 16 lb. stash of deer jerky in spring training with that golf cart, but, seriously, who the fuck needs that much jerky?
Mr. Lerners, I'm very sorry for crashing five golf carts during spring training. In all fairness, however, the drivers ed class at my High School was a joke. Did you know my High School has an enrollment of 2,800 kids? There were 879 other folks in my drivers ed class. That was not a very good learning environment, dammit!

So here I am. Me and my 1.02 ERA and my .991 WHIP are locked up in Syracuse.



I mean, what else does a brother gotta do to get a shot at the bigs? Seriously... peep this list of dudes that have gotten a shot this year over me:

• Kip Wells
• Saul Rivera
• Garrett Mock
• Marco Estrada
• Jason Bergmann
• Logan Kensing
• Steven Shell
• Mike Hinckley

Yet I can't make one single appearance? I'm 3-1 with a 1.02 ERA. I've struck out 41 dudes in 35.2 innings. I got me a .991 WHIP and strike out 2.73 hitters for every walk I gave up.

You'd really rather have Jesus Colome and his 8.00 ERA than me? Or Kip Wells and his 6.26 ERA?

That's it, fellas. I gotta take make this a Grassroots Campaign. I'm done being quiet. I'm launching my new t-shirt line today.


This beautiful shirt can be yours today, folks. Buy it here, or I'll have to throw at your head. And I've got 0 wild pitches, bitches, so you'd be dead, dawg.