Me want to punch Dibble in groin

So, I'm watching a game late last week, and Rob Dibble made a comment that finally triggered just what it is that makes me dislike his commentary style. My memory sucks, so I'm only paraphrasing here, but Bob Carpenter was recounting a home run Cristian Guzman had hit the previous night. Dibble comes back with, "Well, Bob, you can see here [on a replay] that the pitcher left the pitch hanging out over the plate and Cristian was given a gift." Really, Dibble? Instead of taking the opportunity to say, "Good on you, Goozie" you go for the "Guzzie got lucky there" route? Fuck you in the ear, pal. It's shit like that that reminds me of how damn negative you are. The Nats pitchers always suck, don't they Rob? The hitters are never doing things the correct way, are they Rob? I remember watching a game in which Strasburg was having trouble with the mound (not the Cleveland game) and the grounds crew was coming out to treat the mound. Dibble went on a 3 minute long "how to" of what - exactly - the grounds crew needed to do. "The dirt needs to be more clay than red dirt and it needs to be rolled, then tamped blah blah fucking blah." It hit me that he's never once explained how he learns the things he says. And it hit me that he's stating all his opinions as facts. Look, Rob, if you want to say, "Well, Detwiler just did right there what you can never do..." maybe you'd sound a little less like a know-it-all douche if you followed it up with something that might humble yourself a little. Maybe something like... "And you know how I know you don't do that? I got my ass handed to me once when I threw an 0-2 fastball and didn't get it up high enough." You know what would also help? If Bobby Carpenter would call you on more of your criticisms. When you start ripping on a pitcher's command Bob would make my fucking day if he came back with, "Well you know, Rob, there is video out there of you missing an entire back stop with some of your pitches." And I would give Bob a huge hug and a peck on the cheek if he ever called Rob's bluff when Rob's ripping Drew Storen about allowing inherited runners to score when Dibble allowed 37% to score in 1993 with, "Wow, Rob, that advice will likely be accepted about the same amount of times those 17 women accepted your room number last night at the bar - zero." (Longest run-on sentence ever? Perhaps. Most words used to make a point? Yup.)
So, Rob, to sum it up - I'm in huge HULK SMASH mode these days regarding your commenting styles. So much so, that I made two shirts, just for you! If you would like to buy some, Rob, you can just click the pictures for a link to the store. Heck, you can purchase them with all the cash you robbed from Cincinnati in 1993. ($2.5MM for an ERA+ of 63, Rob? And a WHIP of 1.824? You got big balls showing up there again, my friend.)

Or

And finally, I was poking around the innertubes and came upon Mr. Dibble's Zazzle store. I think I saw this stuff a couple years back, but I completely forgot about it. Until today. I see that he has a slogan that he like to use on his stuff -



Well, I found his font and threw this together for him. Maybe he can put this on one of his shirts?

Our bullpen rocks!

Hi. Meet the Washington Nationals bullpen:


Hey, check out this line from the bottom of the 8th last night.


I know you just glanced over that summary, so I'm gonna break it down for you. Oh, you didn't glance over it? You read it? Too fucking bad, you need to see just how terrible this inning was. Suck it up, you're a big boy/girl.
Luis starts the 8th with a tie ballgame. First guy he faces grounds out. 2-2 1 out. Matt Holliday doubles. Man on 2nd, 1 out. Luis gives up a 4 pitch walk, then plunks a guy to make it bases loaded, 1 out. Manny brings in Charlie Manning, who preceded to give up a 2 run single (4-2, 1 out) walks a guy (bases loaded, 1 out), and then walks in a run. He does manage to strike the next batter out to make it 5-2, 2 out. Saul comes in with the bases loaded, THEN HITS THE GUY with his second pitch to bring in a run. 6-2, 2 outs, bases still loaded. Next batter, hey, let's walk in another run! 7-2, bases still loaded, 2 out. Matt Holliday is up, and really hits the shit out of the ball (not really, infield single) to make it 8-2, bases still loaded, 2 outs. Garrett Atkins is a gentleman, however, so he decides I've been through enough, and grounds out meekly to end the inning. FUCK SHIT DAMN! 4 walks, and 2 hit batters. The Cockies score 6 runs on 3 fucking hits! The bullpen guys threw 44 pitches, with more balls than strikes (23 balls, 21 strikes).

Hi. Meet the Washington Nationals bullpen:

This is baseball?

For Reals?

Not even sure I feel like describing the offense of this squad. I'm serials.

The pitching? Muey fuckin bueno.

The hitting/(Flops)defense? No es fuckin bueno.

Worse fielder than Meat?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Die, Charlie.

Ugh. I have a new enemy, and thy name is Charlie. 4 runs in 4 IP? Nice! 2 HR to 2 lefties? Left handed specialist, my ass. Bring back Burger King!
In case you missed it, here's the link for Longerhand's incredibly incredible catch to rob a home run from one of those Padres. White man can jump.
Stat of the day: Johnny Lannans has the lowest run support of any starter in the National League. Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Our 3rd base coach = Satan

Tim Tolman might have the worst judgment of any human being. Ever. Brittany Spears has made some better decisions than him. I'm going to steal an idea from a forum I frequent (you can too). Imagine if Tim Tolman's job was an air traffic controller. What would ensue?

Ray King is good against lefties. Shit.

Burger King was doing well against lefties. Until last night. Of course, Zim didn't help with that two base throwing error (keep that up and Manny will send you to the bullpen), but I still blame King. He faced 5 lefthanders in a row, and retired 2. Here's what fucking kills me, though: Pagan (how does he get people to call him pah-gone? I say pay-gun.) singles to drive in Church. You're a left handed pitcher. Should be easier to hold someone at 1st, right? Wrong, wrong, fucking King Kong. He let's Pagan steal 2nd. Then King says to himself,
"Sheeeet. That little dude is speedy. Now, I'll just focus all my attention on Schneider here, with his wicked awesome hitting skills...

::concentrating::

::Thinks about the new Steakhouse Burger at BK::

"whoa! That little dude stole 3rd. He's crafty, I'll give him that. OK, Brian, hit this one!"

::ground ball off King's glove to score Pagan::

So, bases empty, two outs, and the pitcher is coming up to hit. The pitcher. Someone who was in the AL for years. OBP of .256. What's King do? Grooves him one. Fuck stick!
It's on, Ray. The war has begun. I will come armed with a big bag of peanuts tomorrow night. I will unload those peanuts upon you with lightning quickness, and Nolan Ryan speed. You might want to bring a vest and helmet. ASSHOLE!

Testicle kickers!

Guys...I'm sorry. Two gut punches in one night. I'm drained. I just don't have it in my heart today to get on Hammerhands or Ovie. If I don't update this blog in the future, it's because I've hung myself with my Nats lanyard, or smashed my skull with the Zim bobblehead. I'll just leave the comments for now with this:

Target is lit

Pop quiz, hot shots. Where is this view from:



If you guessed "your season ticket seats" you are correct.

If you guessed "from the sights of a laser guided missile" your thinking is right in line with mine.

Someone please pass this info along to Manny. Please. Seriously. (From Barry Svrlg):

King does what he's supposed to do against left-handed hitters, having retired eight of nine this year. (Right-handers have reached base six of the nine times he's faced them, however.)

Why in the name of Chico is Manny keeping him out there to face righties? I mean, Jesus H. Christ on a whore, that's stupid. arrgghh.

Fucking Day Games

I didn't see the game, in the interest of full disclosure. Hell, I didn't even listen to it ('cept for the top of the 9th when I ran to my car to listen to Charlie call it (Die, Willy Harris, die!)). I was stuck using MLB's Gameday product. Which is....ok...I guess. When it's working. Most of the time it was lagging, and would freeze my whole browser up, though. I would have to wait until it caught up to itself, then showed 18 fucking pitches in two seconds. I'd have to scroll up to see the last three or so batters.
I tried to watch it on a P2P program, one called TvAnts. Recommended by a friend. What a fucker he was. His stream was working fine, but mine said, "Please wait while buffering..." It said this for 2 hours. I shit you not. When Gameday was locking up, I looked at that "Please wait while buffering...", teasing me, in the corner of my screen.
Actual snippet of a chat I was having at the time with a friend:

3:35 PM me: I'm trying to watch a P2Pstream on TvAnts

"please wait while buffering...."

FUCK YOU, YOU BUFFERING PIG FUCKER!

3:37 PM COCK SHIT DAMN!

I want to see this rally.

The next weekday day game is 5/15 @ the Mets. I gotta get me a solution by then, or my computer may look like this.

And the Dictatorship here hates buying anything new, for anyone.

3-1. Not horrible, right?

So, ya. I've been sitting and doing some thinking. 3-1 ain't too bad, right? Hell, the offense is still on fire, right?

What?
The team had 11 LOB?

Well, at least the bullpen, our strength coming out of spring training, performed well.

What?
3 earned runs in 4 innings? The Burger King faced 4 batters, hit one, gave up two hits, and allowed 1 run in .02 IP? Shit, call that a good outing for him, says I!
Don't even start talking bout my boy, Hanny. Dude still has 3K's in 1.2 IP's. Let's see you fuckers do that.

So, I'm going to bed with illusions of grandeur. Fuck all you mopers. Zim's leading us to the promised land!

And don't think I've forgotten about you, Colome. Your days are numbered, sir. I wonder who they're dropping from the roster to make room for Lannan?

Ya, I'm crying too.

I feel gut punched.

Hey, Colome! See if you can hit this:


You fucking fuck!

Two things I hate in this world: The French, and walk off walks!