Hooray, Hammer Hands!

[NOTE: I composed this on Tuesday, May 10th, but didn't post it until Wednesday, May 11th. All "yesterdays" should read as "day-before-yesterdays." What? I'm lazy, and I take two days to post, what can I say?]

When my wife asked about a Nats outfielder a few years back, I told her he didn't have a great bat, but he played very good defense. She then said, "What's his name?"
"Ryan Langerhans," was my reply.
"Oh, so that's why he's good defensively. He has longer hands than others."
Skip to a few years later, and Joel Hanrahan is moved to the bullpen. He turns out to be a really fan friendly guy, and always had a smile and a wave for us at games. Somehow, playing off the Langerhans/Longer Hands thing, I did what I always do... drag things out way too far until they no longer resemble anything that is even remotely funny/charming/chuckle-worthy, etc. Yes, I actually tried to play "Hanrahan" into "Hammer Hands." (Ah, this reeks of deja vu, as I can see every single person reading this scrunching up their foreheads and mouthing, "Hammer Hands? What the fuck...??") You see, he threw super hard, so I tried to play his name into something witty about his hands, like my wife did with Ryan's name years earlier, hence "Hammer Hands."
Well, when I excitedly yelled it to Joel, it went over as well as... well... Ryan Church in Israel. But, dammit, I made it up, and I was gonna stick with it. To this very day, I always call Joel Hanrahan "Joel Hammer Hands."
Do I have a point here? You best believe I do. You see, Joel won the Pittsburgh Pirates closer gig this year, and I always make a point to check in on him and how he's doing. So, imagine my delight when MLB network cut to their game last night versus the Dodgers. Joel was in for the 9th, a save situation. He ended up with the save after their third baseman, Pedro Alvarez, made a great diving stop and throw to first for the third out. I then noticed that Pedro's hat looked weird.

Yeah... dude wears his ears inside his hat. Now, I thought it was odd, and shook my head while saying something to myself about "kids" and "get of my lawn," but I wanted to see if I was in the minority on this. So... I took the opportunity to call the visitors clubhouse in Atlanta today to see if it was something baseball kids (Alvarez is 24) were doing, and if I should just shrug it off and accept it. Well, who was the first person to pick up?
 

Yup, it was good ol' Matty Stairs. So I dove right in there. "Matt," I said, "Have you seen th..."
"It's Mr. Stairs."
"What?"
"Mr. Stairs. You should show some respect for your elders, and call me Mr. Stairs."
"But, I'm 35-years-..."
"Do I look like I give a shit, son? 35? I got bats older than that."
"Well, maybe if you swung them during your plate appearances, you might make contact with the ball, and wear your bats out sooner."
"Oh, you're a God damn funny man, huh? How would you like it if I rap you upside your skull with one of my Louisville Sluggers you were just making fun of? Huh, Buster Brown?"
"I wouldn't like that at all, Sir."
"Good. Hang on a second, whipper-snapper."
At this point his voice got muffled as it sounded like he was putting his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone. I couldn't make out the entire conversation, but it sounded something like: "Don't you dare turn off NCIS, you no respect having punk. What? For shit's sake, LaRoche... don't make me put you over my knee and whoop you like the bratty snot-nosed kid you are. Do I make myself clear, boy? Good, now go get me my prune juice and leave the T.V. the fuck alone. CBS has quality programming!"
"Alright, what the hell did you want again?" he asked.
"Well, Mr. Stairs, have you seen Pedro Alvarez in Pittsburgh? If so, do you have any comment on how he wears his hat?"
"Pedro who now? No, don't know him. Hang on one second as I get one of the kids around here to pull up a picture of him on that portable picture machines they all have these days."
The phone gets muffled a bit again, but I can hear the majority of the conversation, and it went a little something like this: "Hey, Stankiel! Yeah, you, Ricky. You got one of those i paddle thingies on you? What? Okay, okay... whatever... iPad/i paddle. Pull up a picture of that Alvarez kid on the Pirates. You got it? Good, lemme see that picture now, son... HOLY HELL!"
Matt's voice came back on the line with a terse "You still there, kid?"
"Yes, sir... Still here, Mr. Stairs."
"Listen, thanks for bringing this to my attention. Now, I need to book a  flight to Pittsburgh ASAP. Gotta go."
"You're going to Pittsburgh right this instant? Over how a kid wears his hat?"
"No, son. Shoot, I don't care how the youngsters wear their stuff.  I've become numb over the years with all their backwards hats, eye black, flat brims, and pajama pants. No, I just remembered that I need to go to Pittsburgh to see my accountant. My Social Security payments are about to kick in, and I wanna make sure he's got my first payment for my R.V. all ready to go."
---CLICK---

Mediocrity comes to first base!

Well, the Nationals signed Adam LaRoche to man first base for them yesterday. The deal will pay Adam $7MM for 2010 and $8MM for 2011 with a mutual option (at $10MM) for a third year, but there is a Nats buyout of that third year for $1MM available.
When the news came out it was greeted by Nats Nation with a loud and boisterous response, one that was voiced exactly the same by my cat.



Everyone's complaint seems to be that Adam is just, well... average. Here's a clip from Boswell's column on the signing:

The Nats paid full price - at least. For a first baseman who has averaged 26 homers and 89 RBI the past five years - almost exactly the MLB average for the position - they gave a two-year deal for $15 million, plus a $1 million buyout on a third year at $10 million.

Well then! Ouchies! Yikes! But you know what (and someone on my twitter feed mentioned last night but can't find this morning)... That means we still got the 15th best first baseman in the major leagues. I know what LaRoche must be thinking, "What am I, chopped liver?" (Okay, big lie right there. He's actually thinking about all the sweet shit he's gonna get with his $16MM in guaranteed money. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's contemplating shit like a wet bar for his master bedroom bath.)

So, it could have been worse. There are about 15 teams out there, in fact, that have had/will have a worse first baseman than LaRoche. (And since statistics went 3,000 feet over my head, I know I'm probably confusing average with mean and median. To those of you scoffing at me for marginalizing the terms... my bad!)

For the record, I'm fine with the signing.

Now, let's move on to more salacious news. The Twitter feud between Collin Balester and Joel Hanrahan has heated up again. Remember last year when Joel called Collin a big fat nerdy-nerd? Well, this time it was Collin calling Joel names.

We get a tweet from Joel, who's spending his day on a golf course, and had some issues with his mode of transportation.



Ugh. The poor dude's golf cart broke down! Oh Noes!!1

Bally (obviously still steaming from last years tweet beat down) comes back strong with this, though.



Damn! He said Joel so fat, he gotta have a lifeguard for his cereal bowl!!! ! Zing! He said Joel so fat, he gotta put on his belt with a boomerang!!! Snap! He said Joel so fat, he has a much higher likelihood of dying from a heart related disease!!! Oh no he didn...

Wait. Wow. Well, Collin, that's just plan morbid. Way to ruin a string of good jokes, pal....

The more things change...

Despite only having three members of last year's bullpen back, it didn't take long for the same ol' shit to happen.

So, as a service to you, I'm uploading two pictures that will be applicable all season. Feel free to use at your leisure.

And, in case you didn't think the rest of the league notices us trotting out Miguel FUCKING Batista into a game, this direct message happened to pop in towards the end of the game:

 You know what, Joel? I do. Not only could you have hurt a Phillie with a wild pitch or two, but I saw Bergmann drinking a sugar-free Red Bull. Seriously? You decide to put all that shit in your body, but you stop short of the sugar, Jason? Maybe the sugar could have given you a little more giddy up on your fastball so that Polanco couldn't take you deep....

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Goddamn... that made me laugh. Na, just kidding, Bergy. You could eat a shit-ton of gamma ray meatloaf, but you'd still be giving up first pitch grand slams. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Joel Hanrahan calls Collin Balester a big fat nerd!

Well, almost... I made up the "big" and "fat" part.

I wrote last week about Collin Balester joining Twitter, and after laying dormant for a few months, Joel Hanrahan finally started throwing out some tweets. He had this to say while watching the Bears game on Thanksgiving:

The 09 bears might as well be the 08 Lions! Uncle!!!

Bally saw the Tweet, and came back with:

@hanrahan4457 wow you fianlly tweet.

Joel, obviously getting tired of Collin's incessant Twittering came back with:

@ballystar40 yeah, i dont think everyone needs to know everything i do, and my scorecard on the golfcourse, cause it would dominate yours

Which, may or may not be true. Yes... Collin tends to ramble and post anything and everything, but some people like that. And some people might enjoy Joel doing the same thing. (I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this, but Joel was my favorite National when he was with the team. We would say hi to one another during games, and he was always very nice to me and my wife at team events. He would recognize us and say hey, with some small talk. Good guy. Solid guy. This didn't stop him from allowing me to wager $20 on Teddy winning a race during a game in which I'd clearly had too many, however. ('Cause anyone betting on Teddy had to be shit hammered.) The good news? The next time I saw him he said I could keep my $20. So nice of him, since he makes 754% more than I.) Anyway, Balester points out that Joel has, in fact, been reading Collin's tweets:

@hanrahan4457 well I see you follow me pretty close haha

Then Hammerhands LAYS DOWN THE HAMMER:

@ballystar40 yeah you take up the whole home page with all your tweets, nerd

BOO-YA! That's how fucking closers close, goddammit!! Told him! And his Mama! Joel basically said, "Get your dirty ass 'stache and your dirty ass pocket protector back to Geometry class, bitch!"

To which Collin could only respond with this:





Oh, and Johnny Lannan has made his presence known on Twitter as well, joining today. Follow the man, the myth, the legend... The Utley breaker himself... Eyebrows!!

Joel Hanrahan broken down way further than he should be.

Disclaimer first... If you ever decide you're gonna take a look at the last few outings by a pitcher and want to include data from Fangraphs, MLB, and baseball-reference... DON'T. Seriously. It's a waste of fucking time. I had my own opinion, but decided to let numbers back it up. Sure enough, I was correct, but I spent hours doing it and now have way too much information to use. It boggles my mind how much info is out there about the games. Down to every single pitch. It's fucking crazy!

So, what was the bottom line that I saw with my eyes, and formulated in my head but wanted to back up with numbers? That Joel is more effective when throwing more fastballs, and getting away from his slider. Result? Confirmed. Also a result? Carpal tunnel syndrome.

Let's go back to May 18th. He entered the game against the Pirates down 3 runs. He ended up facing 7 batters, and the Pirates left that inning adding 3 more runs. Joel gave up 2 hits, 2 walks, and had 2 strike outs. He threw a total of 32 pitches. 17 strikes and 15 balls. The break down on pitch type; 20 Fastballs and 12 sliders. He threw 13 of those fastballs for strikes, 7 for balls. He threw 5 of the sliders for strikes, leaving 7 thrown as balls.

The next bad outing for him was May 20th versus the same Pirates. He entered that game with the score tied in the 9th. He faced 7 batters. Again. He also got the loss in that game, giving up 3 hits, striking out none, and walking 1, which led to a run. He threw 35 pitches this time. 23 strikes and 12 balls. The pitch type was 20 fastballs, and 15 sliders. 15 fastballs were thrown for strikes, with 5 fastballs thrown for balls. The sliders broke down as 8 for strikes, and 7 for balls.

He then turns a corner of sorts. It was mentioned in the press somewhere (but fuck if I can find it now) that they were asking him to get away from the slider, and to rely on his best pitch... his fastball.

May 21st against the Pirates, he came in with a 1 run lead and got the save. He only had to face 4 batters, and gave up 1 hit, 0 walks, and had 2 strikeouts. The kind of line you love to see from a closer, right? He only had to throw 19 pitches that inning, as well. Here's where it gets interesting... 17 of the 19 pitches he threw were fastballs. 11 fastball strikes, 6 fastball balls, and 2 sliders, both for balls. He threw a slider to start the first batter he faced, and then brought it out once more... throwing it to the third batter he faced and giving up a single on that pitch.

On May 23rd he entered the game down a run versus the Orioles. He makes sure the score stays that way when he's done, too, giving our offense a chance for the win. He only faced 3 batters, and gave up no hits. He threw only 7 God damn pitches. All fastballs. No sliders. Five of the fastballs were strikes, with only two outside the zone.

Finally, his last game was May 24th, also against the Orioles. He got the save by coming into the inning up 3 runs, and leaving it that way. He faced only three batters again, this time throwing 13 pitches; with 12 of the 13 pitches being fastballs. He struck out two, with the third out being a 4-3 ground out. 8 strikes and 4 balls for the fastballs, with the lone slider being fouled off by the first batter with the count 3-2.

I think it's safe to say he's feeling good throwing his fastball, and it's about damn time, ain't it? He also did that throwing to Wil (1) and Josh Bard (2) both, so the game calling has been dictated to the catchers as well.

It's also safe to say I'm more comfortable with him coming in to close games than I have been all season. You can throw that fastball by guys, kid, so keep on keeping on. (He averaged 94.9 MPH/fastball those last 3 games.) If the offense could have scores two runs in the May 23rd game, his last 3 appearances would've garnered two saves and a win. As it is it's 2 saves.

So, to sum this shit up, I've got two pictures for you. The first being Hammer Hands well deserved Awesome Dude of the Day Medal, which I have been slacking on. My apologies, fans of the ADOTDM. I'll be sure to pick up the pace later.



The second picture is how much effort I put into this shit. And I will never do it again.*






*Probably a lie. There is a good chance I'll be bored enough at some point to break down something else that doesn't need breaking down.

Blown save after blown save after blown save.

Yup, you guessed it! Another blown save last night, this time by Joey Beimel. Gah!

I haven't seen this many blown saves since the Iran Hostage Crisis of 1980! Hey-o!

What? Too dated? Sigh...

I haven't seen this many blown saves since the Navy Seal mission to save the people of Panama in 1989! Hey-o!

What? I'm still not making myself clear? Jesus, people... How about this:

The Nationals are as competent with saves as these two

Better? Yay!

Look, I haven't bothered reading any other blogs today 'cause I'm just so sick and fucking tired of the bullpen not holding leads. I did some digging, and came up with these stats, all courtesy of baseball-reference.com. I apologize if these were written up by someone else last night or today, but fucking deal with it.

The Nats are tied for the MLB lead in blown saves with 10, Houston being the other awesome team with that many.

The Nats are tied for last in MLB saves, with Pittsburgh at 5. (Can you spot the pattern here? Everyone knows bullpens are weak across the board, but the NL seems to be a little bit shittier than the AL. Which is weird since the AL uses that God damn abomination of a rule, the DH.)

Guess who leads the Nats in saves? My buddy, Joel (no longer being called Hammer Hands) Hanrahan. Guess who leads the Nats in blown saves? That's right, my buddy Joel Hanrahan. But it's cancerous, and spreads throughout the bullpen (Which I hope is not the case with Elijah's leprosy. Gah. Seriously, how much longer is dude gonna wear that thing on his face? That's covering up something awful, right?) as there are only two players on the current roster without a blown save, Kipper Wells and Ronnie Villone.

What's my point exactly? I'm not fucking sure. Maybe I'm thinking Manny has to get Ron in there when the team is ahead more. (He's only entered the game in that situation once, and he held.) Maybe it's time to get Logan Kensing the fuck outta Dodge. (He's 0 for 2 in save situations, and has allowed 45% of his inherited runners to score. Oh... he also has a WHIP of 3.20!!!!!)

I dunno. I'm not sure there are any quick answers at this point. But, if there's one cause I'm behind 100 fucking percent, it surely is this one.

Free Jason fucking Bergmann already!!

Star Wars. Washington Nationals style.

So, I was gonna huff a gallon of Behr paint last night to put me out of my misery. I only made it through an eighth of my supply, however, when I passed out.

After I passed out, I had the most vivid dream ever. It started with scrolling text from bottom to top, with the words

A long time ago, in a bullpen far, far away...

Then up popped these two words

BULLPEN WARS

It was all... so familiar, like something I'd seen before. There where characters with traits and dialog that reminded me of something, yet all the characters were actually Washington Nationals.

There was a robed (okay, maybe he was wearing a dress... but so what?!) Manny Acta pushing buttons on a little robot, while speaking...



The robot ends up on Jesus Flores' home planet, and he feels Manny's pain. He hunts down this Joe Beimel fella...


Joe Beimel does some soul searching, trains up on some Jedi, Ninjutsu, and Genghis Khan/Attila the Hun savagery, and comes to a decision...


It ends with Beimel killing people by crushing their skulls with 200 mph fastballs, and using the force when he needs to ("This is not the pitch you're looking for"). He also cut Pujols' arms and legs off with a light saber. The Nationals went 146-16, and won the World Series.

That shit was dope.

Then, I awoke from my paint induced stupor, looked to see if Joey B was off the DL yet, saw that he wasn't, and gouged my eyes out.

Oh, I also wrote this rap last night. Feel free to sing it all around the world. It goes a little something like this...

Life is hard... When you're a Nationals fan. Life is hard... Thanks to Joel Hanrahan.

I love you to pieces, Hammer Hands, but you've got to get your shit together, bro. I wish you the best. Maybe a case of Swine Flu to take your mind off the game for a week or so?

Joel wants my money.

Nice cushy gig I got here, huh? Just post once every six days or so. Look. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I'll change, I swear. Gimmie one more chance, okay? Good. Thanks. I love you guys!
Well, we went Friday's fucking nightmare game. The night started out well, we got our camo curly W floppy hats, and grabbed a big huge Hard Time nacho tray. Had a nice Yuengling or three, and was ready to enjoy a great game.
Me and the Mrs. were visited by the doctor, fresh of his cross country drive back to D.C. from Los Angeles. He grabbed a seat next to us and watched a couple innings, after I bought him a beer. Good times. At one point, Joel Hanrahan (NOTE: Joel does NOT like the nickname Hammer Hands. His loss.) was walking around the 'pen, and Elijah Dukes was coming up to bat. I said, "Joel, I'll bet you 10 bucks Dukes goes yard." He replied that he wasn't allowed bet on baseball. Dukes didn't homer, and I was pissed. I was sulking in my seat when the doctor tapped me and pointed at Joel. The fucker was looking at me rubbing his fingers together "Pay me my money." I actually laughed. Anyway, the game went 14 innings (And had the fireworks show cancelled in the 7th inning or so. That's a side rant for later, btw. Has anyone ever actually seen a fireworks Friday or a movie on Saturday? None of my Friday visits have ever had fireworks, and the Saturday movie has also always been cancelled. I call shenanigans.) and we didn't get to bed til 2:15 AM.
We got up early the next morning (Note to my oldest dog, Wrigley: Fuck. You. You're old enough to know better. Stop eating weird shit, and puking it up at 6:30 in the morning.) and ambled out the Nats Park for the season ticket "Picnic in the Park." It was a fun time. We saw the home dugout, got free hot dogs, could've ran the bases and thrown a pitch in the bullpen, but passed. The Mrs. was all about getting Wil the Thril's autograph. We finally caught up with him, and she got his autograph on the ticket stub from his walk-off homerun he hit in April against the Cubs. He seemed pretty excited about the ticket stub. She also got her picture taken with Wil and Anderson Hernandez. Cool guys.


We saw Hammer hands and Jesus Flores signing, so we decided to get in line there, too. Jesus was up first, so I asked him if a lot of people asked him about his ankle that day. He laughed, so I refrained from asking him what I wanted to know (how his ankle was ). I then turned to Joel, and he proceeds to ask me for his $10. Knowing how destitute he is, I started to reach into my wallet. He let me slide on it.
We also got some pictures taken. I'll leave you all with this shot with the man, the myth, the legend, Zim.

Nationals win two in a row vs. Mets

I didn't have time for a witty post title tonight. I'm drunk, and I have to get to work early tomorrow, so I'll leave it at this...

Hammer hands came up HUGE tonight. Great to see that shit from the big guy.


P.S. Fuck you David Wright. Way to go, choking a second night in a row in a pennant race.

P.P.S. Rental, I know I've been harsh on ya but you did well tonight, mi amigo.

On to Estes...

Ya know, I've got a lot to write about, but not too much time to do it. Sorry about that, folks. I promise, I'll roll out a serious post here soon. (As a heads up for the article, though, it's about the shitty situation I think [you think? Way to go out on a limb] is developing in the outfield.)
So, some stuff happened last night, and the Nats lost. I'm not sure where to start (Umm..Shawn? You can't get away with five walks in one inning, pal. Charlie Manning? More like Eli Cooper Manning. Way to go, Hammer Hands. More like Homer (giver-upper) Hands.) so I won't. Instead, let's look to this evening:
Rental Perez against Shawn Estes. You may remember Shawn Estes from...well, if you remember him, you a genius! He's appeared in 4 games in 3 years. Sterling attendance record there, Shawn. The only thing you might actually remember the guy from was when he was sent to the hill by the Mets to plunk Roger Clemens in 2002. Now, Clemens ain't a skinny guy, by any means, but Estes managed to miss him with the pitch; It went behind Clemens by about two feet. Bad aim? More like bad gonads. More than one person was upset at Estes for not hitting Clemens, and more than one questioned his guts. I just can't find those references anywhere on these here intertubes. Was the Internet even around in 2002? That was like, decades ago, man.
So, bottom line, don't look for any retaliation tonight from Estes. Guys, feel free to plunk the entire Padres line up. Please.

Washington Nationals = Fragile

Well, let's see here. I think I covered Slick's 4-6 week injury time out. I also mentioned Kearns is "day to day" with a sore right elbow. Did I mention Shawn Hill is going to miss a start? (WHAT? Shawn Hill will miss a start? He's the fucking Cal Ripken of pitchers, though, right?) Yeah, I know it's a shock, but his elbows been bad, too. He got a cortisone shot or four and had some fluid drained. So, taking his start on Wednesday will be the man, the myth, the legend: Studly Dudley himself. The left coast lefty. Number one in our hearts, number 47 in the program. Mr Matthew Bryan Chico. Oh, also taking a trip to the DL today? Bellie, who was placed on the DL retroactive to Friday because of a sore calf. Chris Schroeder is expected to be called up to take his place.

I don't mean to gloss over our heroes and their fantastic performance from last night. I just wanted to make sure I gave you all the facts. Capt Redd came through in fine fashion, pitching 6 1/3 while giving up no (none, nada, zippie, zero) runs. I can't say the same for that spouse puncher, however. He got the loss after going 6 innings while giving up 8 hits, 3 ER's and 3 BB's. I hope his wife didn't make the trip, cause me thinks Brett might want to flail his meaty ham hands around a bit in frustration.
Saul came in and got out of a tight jam by getting two outs with a guy on base. Mi hermano (LUUUUUUIS!) pitched a perfect 8th (with 1 K). And Hammer fucking Hands, of all people, came in to work the 9th. Not sure why Manny went with him over Rauchie but it wasn't a save situation, so that might be the reason. Who knows? Not me. Anyway, he threw a perfect 9th (That's right, dude did not walk anyone) to end the game. Final score: Good guys 4 - bad guys 0.
Mills had a 2 RBI double in the 3rd, and hit a rope for another double in the 5th. He is awarded the ADOTDA (Awesome dude of the day medal) for the 5/19 game. Enjoy, shorty!



Hopefully I can pop back in later and preview the Jason Bergmann experience, which is performing live tonight at Nationals Park. (If I don't, it's because the episode of "Most Shocking" that's been sitting in my DVR for a week is new, and not a repeat. LOVE me some Most Shocking. Most Daring is pretty cool, too. D.E.A., however? Awful. Horrible. Awfully horrible.)

Let's do this

Two things from last night's game that really, really bugged me. First, there's this douchebag:





I had a chance to hear an interview conducted with him last night. Cause I love you guys, I'll transcribe it for you.

• Interviewer: Doug, great inning out there, how did you feel?
• Brocail: I felt good. Real good. Sexy good.
• Int: You only had to face 4 batters in your 8th inning appearance, you have to be happy about that?
• Brocail: Ya, for sure. Super happy. Makes me wanna drink a beer and eat a steak, ya know?
• Int: When Zimmerman singled with one out, what went through your mind?
• Brocail: Well, you know, normal stuff. I know he's the fastest guy on their squad, so I wanted to keep him from getting a great jump. And hamburgers. I was also thinking about hamburgers.
• Int: You threw over to first 4 times between 3 pitches. I'd say Zimmerman was in your head.
• Brocail: Ya, you know, he's a speedster. He led the league in SB's last year..with..like..238 of 'em? So, I wanted to keep him close. Plus, I really, really like Berkman. He's a stud. I like throwing the ball over to him, cause you know he's gonna throw it back real hard like. He also has a really cool beard going these days. I like to look at that. And he can eat a steak, too. We go to the steak house in town a lot. And eat steaks. A lot of them. They're good. Berkie's cute when he has some A-1 sauce on his chin.
• Int: Uh, Zimmerman only had 4 SB's all last year. He's not fleet of foot, Doug.
• Brocail: Really? I must have had him mixed up with another one of them then. All those Nationals look alike. You know what? I was thinking he was that CF'er with the name that reminds me of an english muffin.
• Int: Nook Logan?
• Broacil: Ya, totally. I thought I was facing Nook Logan. He looks a lot like Zimmerman. Anyway, I gotta go hit the showers before Berkie's done his. Then I'm gonna drink a beer, and eat a hamburger. Maybe put some cheese on it. Later.

Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than pitchers slowing down the game with needless throws to first. You ain't gonna catch Zim sleeping. You're not. Period. He's like a fucking shark. Never sleeps, that guy.

Second thing that pissed me off? Hammer fucking Hands. Jesus, son, throw a God damn strike or two. 5 BB's in 2 1/3 IP? I'll take up a collection for your birthday, Joel. Sneak peak at your gift:



That's gonna be the best damn $39.99 I'll ever spend. Those 47 bonus secrets are gonna be so wickedly awesome, he might win the Cy Young.

Lannan on the bump tonight. I'm looking for him to bounce back from his last performance with his usual stuff. 8 IP 1 H 17 K 0 BB. In fact, put a call into your bookie and place everything you own on Johnny. Trust me, I know a thing or two about baseball.

The Nationals will destroy your team

Nationals cruised to a 6-3 victory last night. Mega awesome game. Back to back taters by ZIM! and Slick off that Tim Galvine guy. I was right in yesterdays post when I said I don't think he'll be any good. Although, when you think about it, those two could go yard off Moses and Stalin (who had a really sharp 12-6 curve).
Sweet Jesus, Zim can rake. If you see the highlights on TV, pause his double when it hits the wall, and you can see me. Seriously. Anyway, that fucker hit that double on a rope. Kearnsie and Blastings decided to hit doubles as well. Slick went back to the socks, and they showed they are magically magical. I'll wager we see him wearing them today, as well.
Super duper job to Capt. Redd, Saulie, mi hermano, and Rauchie. Those dudes were throwing last night. Those injins were so sad it was like the trail of tears all over again.

Things I can confirm:
a)Hammer hands did give Wil the Thril his game winning home run ball (I asked).
b)Cardiac's arm fell off (I saw).

Things I cannot confirm:
a)Hammer hands tried to give it to him in the locker room, but when he tossed it to him, it went backwards 315 feet.
b)He will be effective at some point in the future.

Finally, I am convinced the Nats have a street gang, and a gang sign. Saul Rivera threw it at me last night, and Wil the Thril gave half of one. I have now been marked for death by 2 Puerto Rican's and 1 Mexican. When Colome follows suit, I will drop dead within 24 hours.

Testicle kickers!

Guys...I'm sorry. Two gut punches in one night. I'm drained. I just don't have it in my heart today to get on Hammerhands or Ovie. If I don't update this blog in the future, it's because I've hung myself with my Nats lanyard, or smashed my skull with the Zim bobblehead. I'll just leave the comments for now with this:

to hell in a handbasket

Hammerhands? More like Horriblehands.

Yep, that's all I got there. Feel free to chime in with yours in the comments. You know who he reminds me of? Nolan Ryan. Except for strikeouts. And no hitters. And everything else, except for the amount of walks he deals out. He's on par with Ryan there.

Hey, Pelfrey, nice mouth guard. Fruitcake.

Zimmie, Kearns, nice of you to show up last night. Dick faces. A combined 0-8, while leaving 79 Nats on base. Awesome.

Manny, bringing in Ray to face Reyes? He's a switch hitter? O.o I thought we talked about this. At least he got Church to ground out, and then Manny yanked him.

The magic one goes tonight. Should be an easy victory. Chico's line? 8 IP 3H 0R 0BB 16K. On the bump for the Mets is John Maine. No word on if he'll be wearing children's mouth protection.

Game? What game?

Fucking debacle. Nice effort, fellas. Fucktards.
Anyway, on to the good stuff. I saw a weird bullpen ceremony. The first person called to warm up takes turns getting slapped in the forehead by all the other guys in the pen.
Weird.
Maybe they should stop that, though, cause Bergman threw like he had a concussion from the slaps. BTW, Rivera slaps like a girl. Shocked, I know.
Got a gang sign thrown at me by my boy Ayala. Don't know what to make of that, really. I'm thinking he marked me for death, but we'll see.
Joel got up in the pen to warm up, and the girlfriend asked who it was. I said, "Hanrahan." Her response? "Hammerhands? That's the coolest name EVER!"
So, ya. Hammerhands it is.
Got some pictures for another time. Lets go Caps tomorrow, and I hope to God we don't go 3-159. That would suck donkey penis.