Anthony Rendon? More like Anthony RendOWNED.

Cause, see... he's going to own you pitchers. He's gonna own you so good, it hurts. (Hang on a sec, I gotta call the trademark office to claim "Rendowned.")


...


(God, it's so hard to get anyone to answer the phone at these government gigs. I've been on hold for 7 minutes.)


...


(Oh, Christ on a Segway, PICK UP THE PHONE!)


...


You guys still here reading? Sorry about that. Apparently it is not possible to trademark something without filing out all kinds of forms and shit. Gah, I'm not trying to apply for the position of King of planet Earth or anything (I would imagine that job application would be pretty long). Anyway, I gave up filling out forms a long time ago. 2007, in fact, when I wrote in Matty Chico on over 1,000 All-Star ballots, only to have him not make it. Screw you, forms. Screw you in the face.

Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, Anthony Rendon. Look, it's no secret that I kinda sorta maybe might have a thing for prospects, and this guy is legit. He can hit, for both average and power, and he can field. MMmmmmMMM boy, can he field. He approaches ground balls like they were babies tumbling down the street after having been gently rolled out of a moving car by Chase Utley*: by scooping them up softly and with such smooth hands. When I see it, it makes me want to say, "Man, Rendon can scoop 'em so softly, and has incredibly smooth hands." Did I also mention he can hit? Peep this video from Tuesday's game.

DAMN, NEW YORK METS PITCHER GUY, YOU GOT RENDOWNED!!111! Anthony done clobbered that thing. BANG, ZOO... wait what? Did that scrawny lil' center fielder actually rob my boy Anto' Rendo' like that? Oh no he didn't! And then he had the audacity to flash A SILLY GRIN?

Heaven's to Betsy! Where's my fainting couch? The gall of that young man! What's his name? Matthew den Dekker? What kind of a name is that? Look at that lower case d in there. Trying to be all modest and stuff. I'm on to you, Mr. den Dekker! What's your deal, huh? Let me just Google his name here a second...

Oh, okay then. I see. That smile is his deal. And apparently he's always dealing:

Well, I see you need no help from me with that. You certainly do have that grin down to a science. Have you thought about trademarking that? Good luck, though, as they don't just let you call up and scream, "Dibs on this smile!" It's about forms, man. Many, many forms.


 *Look, Utley might be the target of all my rage ever, but I don't think he would violently throw babies from moving vehicles. But roll them out? Maybe...

Did anyone get the number of that truck?

I did! It was #33, Juan Rivera. He decided (very wisely, no matter what the outcome of the play was) to bowl over Chase Utley last night on a ground ball to second, and I love the man for that.

Chase Utley's scummieness has been well documented over at these here parts, and it brought a large smile to my face when I saw this on MLB network this morning. I was so happy, in fact, that I made a video of the glorious event and put it to music. I think Mr. Ludacris did a bang up job of summing up my thoughts. (With special emphasis put on the last line of the video.)

Ahh... all is good for now. The Section 138 lynch mob has been pleased with Juan Rivera's offering. While the hit didn't put Chase Utley out, it did garner Mr. Rivera a free beer or three from me anytime he wants, and a spot in the Section 138 HOF*.

(*There is no Section138 Hall of Fame, unfortunately, as the more I thought about it, the more I saw the possibility of several members being admitted because I was blind drunk at the time. Seriously, the Hall would have, like, 4,345 members in it. Lastings Milledge? Sure, he made that play that one time. Todd Coffey? Sure, he made me giggle with his jiggle. See where I'm going with this? I'm pretty sure at some point in his tenure, I've even agreed with Bobby Carpenter, and would've pulled the trigger on electing him in. And the only Halls that should have Bob Carpenter as a member are the Hall of Corny, and the Hall of Generic White Announcers From the Central Time Zone Who Have Covered Baseball, Pro Tennis, Pro Golf, and Have Graduated From the University of Missouri-Kansas City.)

Fare thee well, Mr. Chico. Fare. Thee. Well.

In making my afternoon visit to Nationals Prospects (What, like you don't visit the same websites multiple times per day? Alright then, Mr. or Mrs. "I love getting my news and LOLs hours, or even DAYS later than everyone else." Good luck when the goddamn zombie apocalypse breaks and Nationals Prospects is the only place in the entire world to have that info! Don't come crying to me asking for zombie brain smashing equipment, you should'a known about the breakout same as me.) I came across this devastating news:

Matt Chico was released by the Washington Nationals.

Now, while I know his name has been used by some bloggers and Tweeters as a running joke, I never had nothing but love for the brother. See, on the God awful 2007 Nats squad, all the kid did was take the ball every time they asked, and he led that team that year with 31 starts. Sure, he also led that squad in wild pitches and, if it wasn't for Jason Simontacchi, he would've also led that team in WHIP, but the kid gutted it out. He won my heart that year, and if you search this here blog using that label Chico Man, you'll find he was the first Nat I actually developed a man crush on. I mean, Christ, I named my first born daughter Matilda Chica for shit's sake. (Even if it was only on Twitter, and not the actual birth certificate.)
So, as I prepare myself to journey to the beer store with nothing but thoughts of pouring a few out for the Left Coast Lefty in my head, I leave you with one of my first posts after Matty returned from Tommy John surgery in 2009. If you find yourself tearing up while reading it, fear not, for it only proves two things. 1) That you love, love, love pink, and 2) That Matt was sent from above by some higher form of life to inspire and....
I can't do it. I can't write any longer. Sure is dusty in here... God speed, Mr. Chico.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matt Chico - Bringing sexy back 

Monday, June 29, 2009

No offense, Nick Johnson... but can you rock the fucking pink like Matty Chico can rock the fucking pink?

Yes, ladies... the left coast lefty made his AA rehab debut over the weekend. He also happened to do it during Harrisburg's "Pink Weekend", which is a team effort with the Senators and the Pennsylvania Breast Cancer Coalition.

So, he not only stole some hearts that night, but he stole some of cancer's evil, evil powers as well.

Be on the look out for Matty and his newly bionic left arm sometime soon at a ballpark near you (if you live in Harrisburg, Syracuse, or the DC area, anyway). He might even let you carry his glove, if you know what I mean.


(I have no idea what I mean. Seriously.)

Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen). Happy Birthday to Drew (Storen)...

...You look like a monkey, and smell like one too! Yay for 3rd grade Happy Birthday songs!

SOCKS! is all growed up now as he turns 22 today. What could be the greatest birthday present of all?




Close... but how about a promotion to the AA Harrisburg Senators? The story was broken by Drew's mom on Twitter last night, and I have a feeling I know what her present to Drew will be.


(Just kidding, Drew's mom!! You gave him life (which is pretty cool) and passed down the SOCKS of DOOM in your genes.)

And what is my birthday present to Drew? Well, considering he gets to play with the Left Coast Lefty (CHICO MAN!), I think that should be enough. However, since I'm in a giving mood, I will offer to have a "conversation" with Carlos Martinez about being kind enough to allow Drew to wear #26 in Harrisburg. Just let me know, Drew. My "vocabulary" is very large and persuasive, and has been known to break some kneecaps or six.

So let's join Zimm in wishing El Drew K a very happy 22nd, and congrats on the promotion to Harrisburg. (Wait... I just realised... he's getting sent to Pennsylvania. Shit. Hang in there, Drew!!! We're all pulling for you. Don't let that state drag you down, man.)

Matt Chico - Bringing sexy back

No offense, Nick Johnson... but can you rock the fucking pink like Matty Chico can rock the fucking pink?


Yes, ladies... the left coast lefty made his AA rehab debut over the weekend. He also happened to do it during Harrisburg's "Pink Weekend", which is a team effort with the Senators and the Pennsylvania Breast Cancer Coalition.

So, he not only stole some hearts that night, but he stole some of cancer's evil, evil powers as well.

Be on the look out for Matty and his newly bionic left arm sometime soon at a ballpark near you (if you live in Harrisburg, Syracuse, or the DC area, anyway). He might even let you carry his glove, if you know what I mean.


(I have no idea what I mean. Seriously.)

What Jesus wants, Jesus gets.

While reading Chico Harlan's column about Jesus Flores, I came across this gem.

[Jesus] retold the story this week of his offseason request for new batting gloves. He wanted Nike to customize a model marked with his No. 3 and "J-Flo." The company responded that they did so only for all-stars, Flores said.

Screw you, Nike! Nobody puts Jesus in a corner. So, I took it upon myself to take care of my boy. Based upon this picture I stole came across on the internet (source here) below...


...I found Jesus' batting glove over at the Nike site, and designed one that I think fits him quite nicely. Behold...The Jesus Batting Glove of DOOOOOM!


Also reported...

Matt Chico threw in the bullpen this morning, just a light 30-pitch workout.

If that doesn't give you a nice tingling in your loins, you're dead to me. Long live our left coast lefty!

Really? Yeah, why the hell not..

Ryan Zimmerman, who has missed the Washington Nationals' last seven games, will have an MRI exam Monday on his injured left shoulder.

Did anyone not see this coming? I mean, for reals? When it rains, it fucking hurricanes around here.

Day off today, then the Cardinals are in town for a 3 game set. Tuesday night is T-Shirt Tuesday. Thursday night is Ryan Zimmerman bobble head night. I have tickets to Wednesday's game. Promotion for that night? Get your Green on Night.

Show your support for the environment by wearing green.

Look, I know the planet is important, and I know there's only one Mother Earth. I don't litter, I recycle at home and at work, and I carpool during the week. But how the fuck is me wearing green to Wednesday's game going to help ANYTHING or ANYONE? Color me perplexed on this one, folks. Should I bring a sign that reads "Go Environment"? Chant "We want a planet, not a moon, dammit!"?

In other news, since being sent to Columbus, our beloved #47 has been getting a lot of mound time jack shit for playing time. One start. Yay. He'll surely be able to get out of his funk with all that time to work on his mechanics!

Washington Nationals = Fragile

Well, let's see here. I think I covered Slick's 4-6 week injury time out. I also mentioned Kearns is "day to day" with a sore right elbow. Did I mention Shawn Hill is going to miss a start? (WHAT? Shawn Hill will miss a start? He's the fucking Cal Ripken of pitchers, though, right?) Yeah, I know it's a shock, but his elbows been bad, too. He got a cortisone shot or four and had some fluid drained. So, taking his start on Wednesday will be the man, the myth, the legend: Studly Dudley himself. The left coast lefty. Number one in our hearts, number 47 in the program. Mr Matthew Bryan Chico. Oh, also taking a trip to the DL today? Bellie, who was placed on the DL retroactive to Friday because of a sore calf. Chris Schroeder is expected to be called up to take his place.

I don't mean to gloss over our heroes and their fantastic performance from last night. I just wanted to make sure I gave you all the facts. Capt Redd came through in fine fashion, pitching 6 1/3 while giving up no (none, nada, zippie, zero) runs. I can't say the same for that spouse puncher, however. He got the loss after going 6 innings while giving up 8 hits, 3 ER's and 3 BB's. I hope his wife didn't make the trip, cause me thinks Brett might want to flail his meaty ham hands around a bit in frustration.
Saul came in and got out of a tight jam by getting two outs with a guy on base. Mi hermano (LUUUUUUIS!) pitched a perfect 8th (with 1 K). And Hammer fucking Hands, of all people, came in to work the 9th. Not sure why Manny went with him over Rauchie but it wasn't a save situation, so that might be the reason. Who knows? Not me. Anyway, he threw a perfect 9th (That's right, dude did not walk anyone) to end the game. Final score: Good guys 4 - bad guys 0.
Mills had a 2 RBI double in the 3rd, and hit a rope for another double in the 5th. He is awarded the ADOTDA (Awesome dude of the day medal) for the 5/19 game. Enjoy, shorty!



Hopefully I can pop back in later and preview the Jason Bergmann experience, which is performing live tonight at Nationals Park. (If I don't, it's because the episode of "Most Shocking" that's been sitting in my DVR for a week is new, and not a repeat. LOVE me some Most Shocking. Most Daring is pretty cool, too. D.E.A., however? Awful. Horrible. Awfully horrible.)

Another ex Nat throwing tonight?

So, Chico Harlan and Barry Svrlg had their usual Wednesday chat today. Imagine my surprise when I see this question pop up:

Section 138: John Lannan. Actually a mortal being?

Barry Svrluga: It would appear that way, wouldn't it? Last night, he was more erratic than usual, particularly in the strike zone, giving up all those hits. But think of it this way, too: If Austin Kearns can somehow snare Ryan Church's absolutely scorched line drive, Lannan gets out of a six-inning outing having allowed just two runs. I think in the big picture Lannan is doing quite well. He's not afraid of situations, he'll pitch inside, and he's learning on the fly with really respectable results.

Wait..wait a minute! Section 138? That's my section! There must be some savvy Nats fans that sit in that section. Which is weird, because I've never seen the same people there twice this season. Hmm.

I actually think Barry missed the point of my question, but whatever. I didn't think he looked bad at all last night. I was questioning the blood/tissue make up of Mr. Lannans. Like, maybe he's an alien, or a robot.

I made an error (WHAT? YOU? NO!) earlier this week. I assumed Chico was going to take O'Connor's starting spot, since they brought up Schroder (a reliever). Well, today they announced Jason Bergmann would get the start tomorrow. Matt, bro, I'm sorry. I know you would rather be starting. So, I made another card for you.

Finally, we have Capt. Redd on the bump tonight. His opponent? Claudio "6 teams in 4 seasons" Vargas. Hey, he played in the Nats organization for a while. You would think a club with pitching problems like the Nats had in 2005 wouldn't give this guy up, right? What's that? Oh, apparently he went 0-3 with a 9.24 ERA in 4 starts for the Nats back then. Good luck, sir. You're gonna need it against our mighty men. We welcome you to the Majors this year, along with your 1-1 record with a 4.91 ERA from AAA. Hope you last longer than Figuroro did.

Mets are dead, dawg.

Johnny Lannans on the bump tonight. Let's kick the tires and light the fires, big daddy! We gonna sink the Maine tonight. (Did I really just write that? Maybe I need to be sat a day until my writing gets out of it's slump?)
Note of glorious wonder that I neglected to get to:
Mike O'Connor (the Mike O'Connor who gave up 9 runs in 3.1 IP) was optioned to AAA Columbus. See you later, Mikey. Can't say it was fun while it lasted. Maybe you can pick up a personality in Ohio. Then again, it is Ohio, so good luck with that.
So, who did the Nats bring up to fill that roster spot? Bergmann? Mock? Nope, it was Christopher Schroder. Sweetness! That means my main man with the master plan, Matthew Bryan Chico will slide back into that 5th starter spot. Congrats, Matty. You deserve it. You know what else you deserve? A big fat one of these:



Thanks for keeping hammer hands company on the bullpen bench. That's why your the bestest of the best!

Saturday, Saturday. Saturday, Saturday.

Is that how the song goes? Oh well, feel free to hum that Elton John Saturday night's all right for fighting song, thingie.

Last night wasn't pretty. Few highlights. Well, at least one; Matthew THE KING Chico.

2.0 IP 0 BB 0 ER. Solid. Atta boy, Chico! You are hereby presented with the first ever Nats Nation super winner hero number 1 awesome dude of the day medal:




Enjoy it, buddy! Me n the girlie have tickets tonight. I'm sure the knowledge that we're there will spur our heroes onto victory. Nats 17 - Marlins 0.

Dark day.

Two casualties to note.
1) Capital Punishment (the second link on the right) has decided to stop updating the blog. Chris Needham was the author, and his presence on the intertubes will be missed.
2) Chico to the bullpen. Very, very sad day. I had to break the news to my other cat, Chico Cat Jr. when I got home just now. Jr is devastated.

Live by Kearnsie, die by Kearnsie

I'm all for Kearnsie making that dive attempt. 2 outs, on the road? Need that catch, and that's that. Nobody better utter a peep about him. OK? Great.
LoDu, though? Pile the fuck on, my friends. Lance Berkman with 2 SB's? Really? This is a guy who has 54 career stolen bases in his previous 9 years. I'm not sure if Paulie could throw out my Grandmother, and she's been dead since 1995.
Anyone else think Manny's positioning of the OF was weird? Especially in the bottom of the 8th. He had Blastings playing right-center on Tejada, who ended up dropping one into center that Blastings couldn't get to. Then, Manny has Blastings playing left-center on Berkman, who stroked one up the middle. Again, maybe Blastings gets to that ball if he's playing straight away. Then again, maybe not. It seemed as though him and WMP were battling it out to see who could get the "most atrocious defensive performance" award for last night. Great googilly moogilly was that bad. Might as well just put two nets out there. They'd have the same range as those two, and would cost nothing. Shit, the net could hit better than WMP, too.
Finally... say it ain't so! Barry over at the WaPo decides to casually drop this in his gamer:

Asked about potential changes in the rotation, Acta said, "If we make a change, we'll let you know." Bergmann, demoted to Columbus on April 12, last pitched Sunday, so he would be right on his turn to take Chico's spot if need be.

If this happens to our beloved #47, I'm not sure what I'll do. Hunger strike? Boycott? Smash stuff? Drink till I'm dead? I don't even want to think about it. I had a chance to ask my cat, Chico Cat, what he thought of the situation. I hope your reading this, Bowden. I hope you like the fact that you're breaking his teeny lil' Chico loving heart!

Aliens! Ahh!

The reports are still quiet and few, but from what I have gathered, here is what we know:

• Johnny Lannan was abducted by aliens, and replaced by an inferior Martian body form.
• The Martian body form was only a 7% representation of Johnny.
• Aliens attempted to also replace Wil the Thril, but he fought off 83 attackers killing 82 and maiming 1.
• Matthew Chico has been in Nationals protective custody the last 48 hours, making his abduction impossible.

So, the Pirates will send Paul Mahome, the pride of Greenwood, MS (giggle) up against #47, who is working on an extra days rest. Expect Matty to top 100 mph today, and hold the Pirates to three hits.
I'll be at the park, celebrating the sweet sweet taste of victory. Maybe Mi Hermano will join me?

Lannan + Nieves = ZOMG!!!11!!!!11

So, I have tickets for tomorrow's game. I was pretty pumped, because that was Johnny's turn in the rotation. Fuck sticks. That's ok, though. Just means I get to see an extra rested #47 (in the scorecards, but #1 in our hearts!) destroy the meager Pirate batters. Plus, Wil the Thril may end up hanging in the bullpen again. That was neato-torpedo.
So, that means on tap for tonight is the aforementioned 2008 NL Cy Young award winner, Mr Johnny Lannans vs. Phil Dumatrait. Phil fucking Dumatrait. I know folks say we take all the Reds castoffs, but this fucker put up an 0-4 record with a 15.00 ERA in Cinci last year.With a 2.83 WHIP. Stop laughing, the Pittsburgh fans are starting to pout.
Since Johnny's throwing, that means we also have the awesomely awesome Wil Nieves behind the plate. The 185 lb bundle of fuck-you-up is set to roll. He's gonna catch a no-hitter, while hitting for the cycle tonight. Shit's gonna be silly!
I won't be able to watch, however, for a shitty high school in NOVA needs my superior umpiring ability. As always, sending the score via telekinesis is much appreciated.

Destiny, baby.

That post heading? That's good shit right there. There's the lame old school saying that goes something to the effect of: Keep on keeping on, and the breaks will eventually go your way.

Fuck all that. When Manny was asked about Wil missing that the bunt was taken off, bunting it right back to the pitcher anyway, only to have it go through the pitchers legs?

Destiny, baby.

God damn fucking right. Destiny.

I didn't see the game, only heard the first 3 innings on my way to a game. I saw 4 aborted highlights on Sportscenter (again..note to ESPN: Fuck. You.) which only showed Flop grounding into the double play, Wil bunting with two strikes, Belly's bases loaded walk, and Flop's single to left for the win. Meh. Maybe that's all that needed to be shown?

Props to Shawn Hill. Good effort, kid. You might be in this Cy Young race with Chico and Lannan, if you keep this up!

Other tidbit: Cardiac's arm did, in fact, fall off. It will take 4-6 weeks to reattach it. Manny's prolly gonna keep the bullpen at just 6 guys, and leave Wil the Thril on the roster. Works for me.

Fuck all that shit.

Lots of negativity on the interwebs right now about the Nats. Stuff like, "Is this just a slump, or is this who the Nationals really are?" "Does Giant charge if you want to take an extra paper bag home?"

Fuck all that noise. Look, we got a bunch of kids on the team. The average age is 28 (very very rough average) with the two oldest being Burger King and Aaron bleeping Boone. Two guys who won't be with us next year. Estrada is 31, and will be replaced by Flores next year, who's 23.

Am I going a long way to make a point? I am. I have to. It's the only thing left to grab onto, for me. I like being able to say, "Ya, they do have the worst record, but they're just so damn young."

Next three pitchers faced? Hudson, Smoltz, Santana. Never heard of those dudes before. Must be early call ups for some injuries or sumptin.

Fuck it. I didn't really have a point, I just wanted to give you turd burglers something to read. I'll be thoroughly on the bandwagon tonight and watching the Caps. We've got things totally under control with Mr. Matthew Chico on the hill, so he won't need my help.

to hell in a handbasket

Hammerhands? More like Horriblehands.

Yep, that's all I got there. Feel free to chime in with yours in the comments. You know who he reminds me of? Nolan Ryan. Except for strikeouts. And no hitters. And everything else, except for the amount of walks he deals out. He's on par with Ryan there.

Hey, Pelfrey, nice mouth guard. Fruitcake.

Zimmie, Kearns, nice of you to show up last night. Dick faces. A combined 0-8, while leaving 79 Nats on base. Awesome.

Manny, bringing in Ray to face Reyes? He's a switch hitter? O.o I thought we talked about this. At least he got Church to ground out, and then Manny yanked him.

The magic one goes tonight. Should be an easy victory. Chico's line? 8 IP 3H 0R 0BB 16K. On the bump for the Mets is John Maine. No word on if he'll be wearing children's mouth protection.

Chico for Cy Young! Lock it up, bitches!

So, I didn't see the game. I hopped in my car just in time to hear Rauchie give up two runs. (Hella good, dude!) Never thought I'd be saying this, but..Chad, welcome back, you heart stopping bastard, you.
Enough of that bullshit, let's get to the good stuff. All hail our new leader, Mr. Matt Chico! I for one welcome our new overlord with open arms.

8.0 IP; 5 H; 1R; 1 BB; 3K. Threw 91 pitches, 62 for strikes.

Hey, MLB, lock up your daughters, cause Chico's about to rape some bitches!

Send me the score via telekinesis

I gotta run to do a Varsity game in NOVA, so I can't watch the game. But fear not, worried readers, for I may just be seeing the better game. Nats killer Tim Hudson is on the bump (eeek). We counter with the one, the only, Chico!

Couple changes as starters; Willie Harris is Left (Really? Seriously? Fuck.) And Flores behind the plate. Let's see you get him to hit into a double play to end tonights game, Bravos. That would be a fucking miracle.

I have no fucking clue what blogger is doing to my text positioning, but you fuckers are on your own. I'm outtie. Also, I'm thinking about live bloggin a night game next week. Don't know if anyone would be interested, however. Let me know in the comments, fuck faces!