Clip Clip Hooray!

Have I never used that as a post title before? Well, shit, my tacky side apologizes for avoiding that until now.
Anywhoo, hooray Tyler Clippard! Our boy got the win last night for the victorious National League team in the 2011 All-Star-Replacement Game. What role he played in that win doesn't matter. He got the win. And a win is a win is a win is a win.
Oh, wait... he only faced one batter? And gave up a hit to that batter? Again, so-goddamn-what. As long as Tyler himself enjoyed and embraced his part in last night's game, so do I. Here's what Clipp had to say:

"What a way to do it. That's probably the definition of a vulture win," Clippard said. "It was fun - great experiences, something I'll never forget."

Now, here's what I have to say:

Soar high, Tyler. Soar. Fucking. High.

Cherish this moment, Clipp. You've earned the opportunity by being one of the most dominant relievers in the league, and certainly the most valuable member of the Nats bullpen over the last couple years. With that magical high fastball, that majestic change up, and that incredible knack for vulturing wins, you've established yourself as the baddest-ass raptor on the planet. Well, okay, bald eagles are some bad-assed fuckers... but let's see one of them compile a strikeout per 9IP ratio anywhere close to your 11.00. Nope. All they do is fly, and kill mice and shit. Big whoop. Call me when they have a better inherited runners scored percentage than your 19%, then I might begrudgingly shake their wing. (But it will be a limp, sweaty hand to wing shake, dammit. That's just how I roll.)

ZNN is the only network worth watching, and Clipp still has it.

On this busy Monday, I'mma do this quick style. Bullet points please, Blogger.

• This Nats offense was excruciating to watch, averaging 2.25 runs/game during this 4 game set in San Diego. These guys scored less than the Chess Club on prom night.
• Jordan Zimmermann is legit. Like, legit legit. He's like Otto Man. If you see him, he's taking your ass to school.
• Tyler Clippard continues to just dominate fools. His inning total is high, so there's a little bit of concern about overuse, but for right now, he's dealing. His high fastball is such a thing of beauty, that shit belongs in The Louvre. (Although if you ask the hitters, they say it's so filthy, it belongs in Penthouse. (Is Penthouse still relevant? I have no idea, so discuss porn in the comments, if you like.))

Two other quick things, first is a gif from Saturday night. I title it: Uber prospect Anothony Rizzo meets uber bullpen dude Tyler Clippard.

Eat dirt, pal. Have a seat, lunch meat. You missed that Clipp high fastball like Karen Carpenter missed breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And second, I haven't pimped my shirts in a while, but I wanted to point out that I modified two of my shirts. The ZNN shirts are now available with his number 27 in Nats numbering style on the back for $20.90.
The other Zimmerman(n) (Ryan) had his shirt modified, as well. I pulled the font from the front of the shirt, and added his 11 to the back. The original is still available. This shirt also runs $20.90. Peep the pics below. Clicking on the images will take you to the shop. My kid just turned one-years-old, people. She's gonna need me to start buying her real clothes now, instead of just wrapping her in Safeway bags.

The day that Tyler Clippard stomped on my heart.

Last Sunday's game started great. I had a good BBQ sandwich at the Red Loft, accompanied by a Dogfish Head Raison D'Etre to wash it down with. (What?? Are you calling me a beer snob? It was the same price as everything else! Let's see, should I take the Miller Lite for $8 or the delicious mahogany Belgian-style brown ale brewed with beet sugar, raisins, and Belgian-style yeas... okay, okay. You got me. I do love me some Dogfish Head, but it was the exact same $8, folks. It's a no brainer.) We then wandered around a bit, and even ran into Ben Goessling from MASN. I took that time to look like an idiot by screaming, "Hey, Ben! Embrace the shark!" while holding my hand on my head like a dorsal fin. To Ben's credit, he didn't ask to have me removed from the premises. Instead, he just shook his head and said, "I just don't understand where it comes from."* I guess it's gonna take Roger Bernadina going up to him during locker room interviews and biting a chunk out of his torso to get him on board. Let's see if we can get this done folks. (I'm assuming Tyler and Terry over at the official Sharkadina blog can maybe take the place of Roger, since he's in Syracuse? Someone get them on the horn stat, and make it happen. Just be prepared to supply Goessling's blood type to the EMTs.)
We (myself, my wife, my daughter, and my friend) then settled down in our usual seats to watch a great game. And what a great game it was. Well, except for this part... This was not great.

Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. You've taken the hearts from all us "Peaches" fans and stomped on them. You ripped them from our chests, crystallized them, and shattered them into millions of itty-bitty pieces with a Daniel-Son style crane kick. The millions, hundreds, tens of us "Peaches" fans will not relinquish our pursuit of getting you to change your music back, though! Did you think we'd forget about January, Tyler? Did you forget about January, Tyler? Well then, allow me to refresh your memory. Back then, Drew Storen linked to a poll that allowed fans to vote on your walk-up (Walk-out? Warm-up? Entrance?) music. It gave us two choices... your (then) current "Peaches" and your (now) current "Ready or something something blah blah." This is how the vote ended, sir.

(Excuse me while I channel my inner Walter Sobchak for a second...)

Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules?!  

Sigh. I guess Tyler doesn't, as 62% of folks voted to keep "Peaches." If anyone would like to join me on Sunday, May 15th, I'll be hurling fully loaded peach baskets into the bullpen towards Clipp. Please bring copious amounts of alcohol, money, and Kleenex. I'll need them to work up the courage, bail myself out of jail, and sop up my tears as I'm being dragged handcuffed from the stadium crying out, "Why, Tyler! Why?!?! Peaches was our jam, man!!! I thought we had a connection!"

Other than that one teeny incident (that I'm obviously not dwelling on, nor obsessed with), the game was grand. We saw a great pitching performance from ZNN and the bullpen that ended in a curly W. I also got to see Drew Storen's fur face in person, and witnessed Todd Coffey performing the shoe-shine Sunday routine. Allow me to rip-off Natsgrl1's line here by saying, "I'm surprised he can bend over that far." 


Now, onto Philly for a three game set. Wish the boys well. We certainly don't want them coming out of the series with any nasty diseases those Philly fans carry. (Oh, wins would be welcomed, too, of course, but I'm just hoping no players lose their goddamn life to the bubonic plague that's known to circulate CBP.)

* At least I think that's what Ben says. His hair is absolutely mesmerizing in person and I kind of got drawn into it, blocking out my other senses.

Clippard and Capps be good.

So, yeah... Tyler Clippard and Matt Capps have become a legit combo for preserving a lead going into the eighth inning. There's even stats and shit out there to prove it, I'm just too lazy today to find them.
No, what I needed to do here is address the name of this combo. The phrase "Clip and save" has been circling 'round the intertubes (originating here?), and while it's catchy, and sorta makes sense... I think we can do better. So, without further ado, a new moniker:

C+C Save Factory

Do you remember C+C Music Factory? Of course you do! Why? Because (a) they were awesome, and (b) you were awesome. And Awesome people listen to awesome music. So, without further ado, presenting Clip and Capps.. doing their thing.

Also... feel free to throw out these zingers at the opposing team when you know C+C Save Factory are about to come into the game:

"Uh, Oh! Here comes Clippard and Capps, better open Google maps!"

Cause, you know, their hitter will be lost up at the plate and will need... yeah, never mind.

How about:

"Incoming is Clippard and Capps, you better pray they have a mental lapse!"

That one's not too hot either, eh? Okay, fuck it... just use this:

"Good luck, buddy. Hey, is that Screech in the stands fondling your wife?"

Tyler Clippard's IBB balk, and other stuff. (Like... What happened to Manny Acta and true defining moments.)

I present to you... the first of many in what should be MASN's actual ad campaign. Does anyone hear the phrase "Defining Moments" and associate it positively with the Nationals? Fuck and no are the answers. There are hundreds of true Nats defining moments, and this will surely become a regular feature. So, how bout you all throw your MASN Nats defining moments in the comments? In the meantime, I'll give you my defining moment of the Nationals. Tyler Clippard's balk that he committed while trying to intentionally walk someone.

Yeah, you read that right. Allow me to set the scene. In the bottom of the 8th, Tyler Clippard was brought into the ballgame to keep the game... well... sorta-somewhat close. (4-0 Astros at that point). He walked Berkman to lead off the inning in spectacular fashion, then gave up a ground-rule double to Carlos Lee. (That ball may or may not have been catch able. At this point, however, I have stopped thinking like that whenever a ball is hit towards Adam Dunn. Unless it's a fucking line drive right at his face, I'm now assuming it's a double, even if it's hit by a bigger, fatter version of Dmitri Young. Which does not exist.)
Next up was Geoff Blum (whose parent I have issues with, btw. It's Jeff. Not Geoff, god dammit) who hit a shallow pop fly to center that Nyjer Morgan made a nice play on. So, with one out, here is where the drama hilarity comes in. Manny decides to intentionally walk Hunter Pence, to set up the double play. Easy enough, right? Not for our 2009 Washington Nationals it ain't. Enjoy your Yaketty Sax for today.

I'd write more about it, but there really isn't anything else to say. Also, I spent two fucking hours on this video piece of shit above and am extremely displeased with the quality of the ultimate product. Enjoy, peeps, cause it's the last actual video you'll ever get from me again. (Unless someone knows of a decent video capture and edit software. And don't even think of recommending Cam Studio, or I'll punch your mom in the face.) And, yeah, the rule is outdated and probably needs to be re-written... but still, it's an intentional walk. You're purposely throwing balls nowhere near the damn strike zone. Once your spike gets caught, Tyler, just flick the ball in Wil's general direction. I don't give a shit if it's a 15 hopper, just let it go.

In other news, Manny Acta finally got fired. I'm seriously going to leave it at that for right now. I'm not a happy person. I haven't read a single Internet article on it, and haven't even opened my Twitter client today. I'm just shocked that they think handing the reigns over to a lifetime .445 manager is gonna make that much of a difference. I dunno. Maybe I should do some research and see if Riggleman's squads played fundamentally sound baseball. That may be one area he can improve on. What he can't change, however, are the names on the back of the jerseys in the clubhouse. You see... the players on this team need someone continually babysitting them. Continually encouraging them. Continually challenging them. The players need someone to get them to actually practice, play, and act like they give a fuck. Is Jim Riggleman that guy? I don't know, but that sure as shit wasn't Manny Acta. (I guess I did end up writing something on that, eh?)

Farewell to you and your fedora, Manny. I wish you the best of luck.

Tyler Clippard - Free At Last

So... I waited until it was triple confirmed to post it this time. Yes, my friends, our favorite movie is just about done.


With the Nationals recalling Tyler Clippard from Syracuse, and Kipper Wells being DFA, my mission is almost complete. All that's left is for some bad ass Morgan Freeman voice over, and a reunion on the beach between Tyler and... well... who ever he bonded with in jail Syracuse. So, if you will, read this in your best Red voice...

In 2009, Tyler Clippard escaped from Syracuse prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of Chiefs clothes, a bar of soap, and an old baseball glove, damn near worn down to the nubs. .... That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. That, and a low god-damned ERA. Like I said, in AAA a man will do anything to keep his mind occupied. It turns out Tyler's favorite hobby was striking fools out, and making opposing batters look bad. ..... Tyler crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want too. Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile.

Excuse me while I grab some tissues...

The ticker-tape parade is on God Dammit! No matter what Needham says!

It's duck and cover time, folks.

Starting pitching line from Johnny Lannans last night:

6.1 IP 9 H 3R 2 BB 3 K

Pitching line for the rest of the 2.2 innings:

2.2 IP 8 H 8 R 3 BB 1 K

Or... for the readers that more directly relate to pictures rather than words, I can put it another way. (Feel free to click for the larger size, and save as your wallpaper!)



Now... I'm not sure about you all, but me? I'm thinking,

"GAARRRRRPPPPHHHHHLLLACCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!1"

So, get on the team a bit. Buy your asses a t-shirt, and help a brother make it to the bigs.

I actually visited Tyler last night after the game. And I'm quoting here...

Where in the world is Tyler Lee Clippard?

Did you buy your 'Free Clippard' shirt yet? Of course you haven't. (Which makes me sad, but that's a whole other post...) It's all good, though. I'll just pimp my shirt by my bad ass self.

Imagine the smile that hit my face when I ran across this in Brian from NFA's Twitter feed on Sunday morning.

NFA_BrianRHRP Tyler Clippard called up from Syracuse by #Nats ... no corresponding move yet (Colome to DL?) about 22 hours ago from web

Oh, JOY! I ran over to MLB's official transaction log to double check.


Sweet! They did recall him. I then run over to the Nationals site and check their 25 man roster.


Sweet! He's on the 25 man roster. There was a whole lot of speculation that Clippard was replacing Jesus Colome, since Colome left Saturday night's game in the 11th with what was called a 'right quad strain.'

"This just keeps getting better and better", I said at the time. So I ran down to Party City and bought a shit load of ticker tape. I was going to throw Clippard a party, whether he knew it or not, dammit.

Well, imagine the look on my face when Jesus 6.97 ERA Colome saunters out to pitch the 6th inning of Sunday's game. Since My animals can't take pictures of me (That whole opposable thumb shit and all), you're stuck with yet another picture of one of my pets. This time it's my lil' puppy I just picked up. I named him Mikey Mac after our new superstar one pitch closer. His expression mirrored mine.


So... Tyler Clippard is lost. Where is he? No one really knows for sure. All I know is that when I went to Party City to return my ticker tape they refused to take it back. "We're sorry" they said. "This ticker tape's been used." Apparently you can't take all the ticker tape out of the bag, hurl it off your roof onto the neighborhood dogs as they poop, and then stuff it back into bags and attempt to get a refund. Whatever. I'll just keep it and give myself a parade every time I walk down the street. Wearing my bad ass Free Clippard shirt.

I think the club could use Tyler Clippard

Hi, I'm Tyler Clippard, and I've done some horrible, horrible things to the folks in the front office of the Washington Nationals. I mean, what other reason could there be for me not being on the big league squad?
I guess I should try and mend some bridges...
Mr. Rizzo, I'm very sorry for running over your dog with that golf cart during spring training, but... really... who the fuck lets their dog run around the playing fields?
Mr. Acta, I'm very sorry for running over that hat that you love so much with a golf cart. You know... this one. But really, who the fuck wears fedoras anymore?
Mr. St. Claire, I'm very sorry for running over your 16 lb. stash of deer jerky in spring training with that golf cart, but, seriously, who the fuck needs that much jerky?
Mr. Lerners, I'm very sorry for crashing five golf carts during spring training. In all fairness, however, the drivers ed class at my High School was a joke. Did you know my High School has an enrollment of 2,800 kids? There were 879 other folks in my drivers ed class. That was not a very good learning environment, dammit!

So here I am. Me and my 1.02 ERA and my .991 WHIP are locked up in Syracuse.



I mean, what else does a brother gotta do to get a shot at the bigs? Seriously... peep this list of dudes that have gotten a shot this year over me:

• Kip Wells
• Saul Rivera
• Garrett Mock
• Marco Estrada
• Jason Bergmann
• Logan Kensing
• Steven Shell
• Mike Hinckley

Yet I can't make one single appearance? I'm 3-1 with a 1.02 ERA. I've struck out 41 dudes in 35.2 innings. I got me a .991 WHIP and strike out 2.73 hitters for every walk I gave up.

You'd really rather have Jesus Colome and his 8.00 ERA than me? Or Kip Wells and his 6.26 ERA?

That's it, fellas. I gotta take make this a Grassroots Campaign. I'm done being quiet. I'm launching my new t-shirt line today.


This beautiful shirt can be yours today, folks. Buy it here, or I'll have to throw at your head. And I've got 0 wild pitches, bitches, so you'd be dead, dawg.