Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Clip Clip Hooray!

Have I never used that as a post title before? Well, shit, my tacky side apologizes for avoiding that until now.
Anywhoo, hooray Tyler Clippard! Our boy got the win last night for the victorious National League team in the 2011 All-Star-Replacement Game. What role he played in that win doesn't matter. He got the win. And a win is a win is a win is a win.
Oh, wait... he only faced one batter? And gave up a hit to that batter? Again, so-goddamn-what. As long as Tyler himself enjoyed and embraced his part in last night's game, so do I. Here's what Clipp had to say:

"What a way to do it. That's probably the definition of a vulture win," Clippard said. "It was fun - great experiences, something I'll never forget."

Now, here's what I have to say:

Soar high, Tyler. Soar. Fucking. High.

Cherish this moment, Clipp. You've earned the opportunity by being one of the most dominant relievers in the league, and certainly the most valuable member of the Nats bullpen over the last couple years. With that magical high fastball, that majestic change up, and that incredible knack for vulturing wins, you've established yourself as the baddest-ass raptor on the planet. Well, okay, bald eagles are some bad-assed fuckers... but let's see one of them compile a strikeout per 9IP ratio anywhere close to your 11.00. Nope. All they do is fly, and kill mice and shit. Big whoop. Call me when they have a better inherited runners scored percentage than your 19%, then I might begrudgingly shake their wing. (But it will be a limp, sweaty hand to wing shake, dammit. That's just how I roll.)


TClippardsSpecs said...

I have two thoughts, in the form of catchphrases set to music.

1. Don't Fear the Raptor a la Blue Oyster Cult. I wish I could add an umlaut to this, but you get the gist.

2. Tyler Clippard Love a la Tupac. Autotune is for winners.

OK, make it 3 thoughts: no peregrine falcon references? Tsk tsk.

Section 138 said...

I need to find someone else to do the voice in the altering of those songs, as my singing voice has been known to explode people's heads. Seriously... I sing a few notes, and brains are leaking out of faces, it's that bad.

Here is your umlaut. Cut and paste, and use as wisely as a pair of goggles can: Ö

Peregrine falcons are so pretentious. I hate them. You ever try and talk to one? They can't got three sentences without boasting about how goddamn fast they are. Jerks.

Sec314 said...

Perhaps one of the more "disturbing" images you've ever posted.... I like it!

TClippardsSpecs said...

Many thanks for the umlaut- my CrÜe cover band thanks you.

Re: preregrines- they are the Nyjer Morgans of raptors. They probably all speak about themselves in alter egos terms as well- like Johnny Egret or Billy Dee Housemarten and stuff.