Spanning and Slowesing

I really can't write anything that could make Denard Span's game saving catch from last night any better than it looked, and sounded. In truth, enough of you are probably telling me that I should have stopped at "I really can't write anything."

FINE. BE THAT WAY. JERKS. I PRESENT: Denard does his thing, while Charlie does his.

Also, I think this looks super duper neat-o coolio and the gang. (They should make is a carnival ride. Maybe tie a rope to your head and another to your feet. Then, the carnies take turns pulling the ropes. Until they mess up and rip you in half. You know what? Scrap the ride idea.)

Take that, Puig and Scully!

(Please don't kill me, Mr. Scully. I love your work. And I love that you've discovered a way to bring immortality to humans without the whole "have to become a vampire" thing.)

Did you see Nathan Karns' first strikeout?

If you said no, don't worry, home plate umpire Tom Hallion missed it, too. If you said yes, well, while technically Nathan striking out Yamaico Navarro in the second inning was his first, you still didn't really see his first.

I emailed Tom Hallion* a link to my site, and told him I had a post dedicated to him, and asked him to please stop in. I'm going to take this moment to address a certain at bat with Mr. Hallion, so you guys just blend into the background of wherever you are, as to not scare Tom. Also, if you have gum in your mouth, please don't snap it, and make sure your ringers are on silent.

So, Tom, it's the top of the first inning. Manny Machado, the second hitter of the ballgame, steps in to face Nathan Karns. (Real men use their entire first name, Manny Manuel.) The count gets to 0-2.  And, well, here's the video tape:

That pitch looked good to me, dummy!

Need more? Here's the pitch track, which plots where the pitches are in relation to the strike zone. Green squares are pitches you called balls. Red squares are pitches you called strikes:

You called the pitch in question a ball, when it was clearly not a ball. At no point in looking at this plot does it even appear it could ever be construed as a ball.

Are you with me, Tom? Look, here's the pitch track with arrows pointing to the ball in question, Tom. See, you need those arrows cause you all blind and stuff, apparently.

So, you blew it. Machado should have been sat down after three pitches. Case closed. End of story. Finito Santiago. Frankly, Tom, a little league umpire could have got that right. (A little league umpire would also think your strike three call is garish...

... and have you seen some of their strike three calls?)

Jerk.

*I did not email Tom Hallion. Mostly because even if I did email Tom Hallion, Tom Hallion would move it to his spam/trash folder, because Tom Hallion is really, really, really bad at identifying good things from bad things.

Smooth Gio is Smooth.

Gio went yikkety last night off Kevin Slowey. It was a Harperian blast, that impressed a lot of folks, including Gio himself, I suspect.
As I watched the TV, and him rounding the bases, I couldn't help but think this was his inner monologue:

"[To himself] Gio Gonzalez, you just hit your second career home run, what are you going to do?"

"I'mma smile like Mister Ed, cause I'm so damn happy, and that's how I do!"

"Err, on second thought, I don't want to show up the pitcher..."

Smoooooth, Gio, very smooth. In fact, that was, like, Barry White smooth. And forget all those unwritten rule wet blanket folks. Keep being you, Gio, and don't ever stop. To quote Ty Cobb, "I play baseball like I dance: Gay as a titmouse, and like no one was watching." At least I think that was Ty Cobb...

P.S. On a serious note, I forgot to give another shout out from Opening Day. It was great to see Frank and Susan before the game, and I really appreciated them giving me four square inches of their table to eat my tacos at. If you haven't checked out their site, Nats 101, do it now. It's got podcasts, articles, an all kinds of good stuff. Seriously, go there now and look. Look with your special eyes!

Well, Opening Day went rather well, didn't it?

Sorry for not writing about opening day sooner, but I had a huge hangover. You see, I imbibed way too much HARPER-STRAS-ZIMMY AWESOME SAUCE. (Yeah!) Seriously, that was an awesome day, and anything I write certainly won't do the experience justice. Suffice to say, there were some incredible things at the park, including the awesome straight-from-getting-hitched-appearance by @TClippardsSpecs and @StephaNats (awesome job, you two, even if you are stuck for life with DOUG F*CKING SLATEN references, Stephanie) to getting my kid her first slushie (it was "red flavor," and she loved it).

After I got home, I took a long nap, cause seeing good baseball is exhausting, then popped the game on the TV. What follows is my lazy excuse for a post. GIFS. LOTS OF GIFS. Enjoy?

Anthony Rendon doing his Anthony RendOWNED thing.

HI, Mr. Chad Durbin. TONE DŌN just went about 380' on you the opposite way. You, sir, have been rendOWNED

Footnote time!  My nickname for Rendon was originally 'Ton 'Ron, but it was then remastered to its current form (TONE DŌN) by Andrew. If no one else gets the reference, we know we're at that point in our life where we should probably just hurl our bodies off bridges, as time has, clearly, passed us by.

The boys are back. And they're *spectacular.*

Spring training is here! Spring training is here! I swear, there's no better day of the year than when the first Nats' game is broadcast. You plop down on the couch, have a beer in each hand, a remote in the other, and your opposing team's voodoo doll in your fourth. Here it is. The first video images of the 2013 gang: 

The boys in all their Spring glory from Section 138 on Vimeo.

And, if you're like me (which would be way cool, btw. We could totally hang out, making stupid jokes, baking cookies that resemble Jayson Werth's Beard, and punching my life-size Chase Utley mannequin. Think about it! My email is up in the top right of the page, yo's!) you rewind the first 30 seconds of the broadcast over and over and over again, to see if what you thought you saw, was what you thought you saw.  

The first thing that pops out at you, of course, is Matty Purke and his... well, his face.

                                     

I think it is very apropos that another Matty takes over from our last "Player X" face. Yes, Matty Purke is taking over from Matty Capps. You may be gone, Matty Capps Face, but you seem to be in good hands.

Later, you think you see Jayson Werth and new first base coach Tony Tarasco sharing some love. You check again. 

  Yes, sir, HAND POUNDS ABOUND when you're Jayson Werth and his new BFF, Tony. (I swear that's Tarasco, btw. I still haven't shelled out the $7 to get a tripod for my little camera, so I'm stuck holding it in my hands, while filming the TV. My unsteadiness lead to Tarasco being totally cropped from that clip. My humble apologies, Tony. I'll be sending you a bushel of throat lozenges to soothe your larynx after screaming "BACK" on pick-off attempts. (I don't mean to offend you, Tony, but what else do you do there when coaching first? Oops, sorry, you must also operate a stopwatch with the utmost precision. Mea culpa.)) 

Oh, I see Jordan Zimmermann. Howdy, ZNN! Wait, what? Is that gum... Is he.. You miscreant!

Sigh. I thought we might not have to see this unsanitary display of gum chewing after the Big Donkey left town. Well, it appears Jordan Z took over for Adam D in that department. Enjoy enraging my wife by chewing your gum like a vile human being, Jordan. (You still my boy, though. If you ever happen to hear my wife screaming, "What are you, five? Put the god damned gum back in your mouth! Gah!" through the TV, and get offended, just let me know. While I would never, ever Brett Myers a lady, I am not above giving her a stern stink-eye.)

Finally, (Hey! Keep your "about time"s to yourself!), we see in all his glory, Gio freaking Gonzalez, and him doing what he do.

That's right, folks. Gio be all, "Toot toot, bitches. The train that is the NL BEAST MACHINE is just getting rolling. Here's some fist pumps for you suckas!" Or maybe they're playing Party Rock, and he's really, really into it. It's certainly one of those two things. Or it may be both, cause Gio does it like that.

Brycey got a bit spicy. And then got a shower.

Ho hum. 19-year-old Bryce Harper hit the game winning single last night in the 12th inning to give the Nats the win over the Mets. Just another pimping moment in Bryce's pimping life. And, as you know, pimping is dirty business, so Mikey Mo was there to clean him off.

(As an aside, welcome back, Mikey. After what seemed like 19 straight ground outs to shortstop, he hit two doubles last night. The Beast abides.) Who didn't get the Gatorade shower, though? Sideline Dugout reporter Kristina Akra. After not being able to run fast enough in the past, she bolted to her left as soon as she saw the Gatorade this time. Unfortunately, though, there wasn't much room to her left, and she ran right into a camera guy. Oopsies.

Before the showering, however, was this wonderful scene. "BROSKI! IS JUMPY TIME!"

Tonight has Edwin Jackson on the bump, up against... well, some Met. Too lazy to look at the moment. It's Jackson's... wait, what start number is this for Jackson? Not to knock Edwin, but he sure has become the forgotten guy in this rotation, yeah? I mean, I'm struggling to remember even one of his starts. Maybe that's why this guy has been on seven teams in ten years. He produces, but just doesn't produce any memorable games. Except for that no hitter that he threw in Tampa Bay Detroit Arizona. Of course, that was just a matter of wearing down the other team. Just throw 200 pitches, and they'll get sick of looking at balls and start swinging at anything. Let's do one of those tonight, Edwin!

Hooray! I didn't have to cringe this time!

A play occurred in Monday's game that resulted in the ball being thrown a gazillion rows up into the stands. Sure, sure, it's a regular happening at Nats park, but, the difference this time? It wasn't a Nat, and I roffl'd as opposed to ohnoes'd. (Aaaaand, I've already used up my meme allowance for the entire post in the first paragraph.)
A ground ball was hit to Alex Gonzalez (the Braves shortstop as well as the holder of the awesome nickname "Sea Bass") who threw the ball to second base to try and start a double play. Well, eventually he threw it, after triple clutching it, leaving Dan Uggla (the Braves second baseman as well as the wearer of youth sized clothing) with an awkward angle to make a play with. He tried....  You know what? I've already written enough, and video'd too little. LET'S YAKETY SAX THAT MAN!

And, just for the hell of it, let's make a gif out of those three glorious angles.

Bang up job there, skinny sleeves. Maybe if you didn't wear your wife's jersey, you would still have some feeling left in your hands and fingers, allowing you to make that play. Also... screw you for being rich, famous, and (from what the ladies tell me) handsome, you big jerk face!

It's Giffmas, my friends.

Well, hello there, fine people. My apologies for being gone five days, but I've been pretty swamped with work. Oh, and I was also so damn excited after Wilson Ramos' walk-off HR on Tuesday night that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three Nats fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 11:15, so I was dog tired. No energy for punching the keyboard at all yesterday.

But, I'm back, and today I present to you three Gifs. Two of Mikey Mo*, and one of El-Drew-K. 

(*Bill Simmons-esque footnote! I grew up playing a lot of baseball, and even played in some adult leagues until my shoulder finally gave out. (I play softball occasionally, but it's just not the same without the take-out slides, destroying catchers, and popping greenies and roids.) With this baseball playing, I collected, and used, baseball lingo over the years. "Hitterish" wasn't anything new, but I thoroughly enjoyed it being brought back. What's my point? Well, I'm kicking myself for not using "Mikey Mo" before The Contract® mentioned it. I mean, God dammit, I used "Mikey Mac" for Mike MacDougal, and even "Mikey Rizz" for Mike Rizzo back in '09. How, then, could Werth beat me to something so obvious? Maybe I'm losing it in my old age. Let's see if Jayson can keep up w/the nicknames when he's as old as I am, though. Shiiiit, his nickname for the new center fielder Eury Perez is gonna be "Eury Perez" when he gets to be my age in a couple years.)

Okay, first gif. I noticed last night that Mikey was repeating a motion before stepping into the batters box. It's just to remind him of something in his swing, but hell if it don't look like he's getting down to "Take On Me" like the rest of us.

 

The other two gifs are after the jump, as I don't want anyone's computer locking up loading the gifs from the front page. I mean, I may act like I don't care about you guys, but in truth... I do.

Ahhh.... /sniffles. GROUP HUG, MOTHERTRUCKERS!!!