The boys are back. And they're *spectacular.*

Spring training is here! Spring training is here! I swear, there's no better day of the year than when the first Nats' game is broadcast. You plop down on the couch, have a beer in each hand, a remote in the other, and your opposing team's voodoo doll in your fourth. Here it is. The first video images of the 2013 gang: 

The boys in all their Spring glory from Section 138 on Vimeo.

And, if you're like me (which would be way cool, btw. We could totally hang out, making stupid jokes, baking cookies that resemble Jayson Werth's Beard, and punching my life-size Chase Utley mannequin. Think about it! My email is up in the top right of the page, yo's!) you rewind the first 30 seconds of the broadcast over and over and over again, to see if what you thought you saw, was what you thought you saw.  

The first thing that pops out at you, of course, is Matty Purke and his... well, his face.

                                     

I think it is very apropos that another Matty takes over from our last "Player X" face. Yes, Matty Purke is taking over from Matty Capps. You may be gone, Matty Capps Face, but you seem to be in good hands.

Later, you think you see Jayson Werth and new first base coach Tony Tarasco sharing some love. You check again. 

  Yes, sir, HAND POUNDS ABOUND when you're Jayson Werth and his new BFF, Tony. (I swear that's Tarasco, btw. I still haven't shelled out the $7 to get a tripod for my little camera, so I'm stuck holding it in my hands, while filming the TV. My unsteadiness lead to Tarasco being totally cropped from that clip. My humble apologies, Tony. I'll be sending you a bushel of throat lozenges to soothe your larynx after screaming "BACK" on pick-off attempts. (I don't mean to offend you, Tony, but what else do you do there when coaching first? Oops, sorry, you must also operate a stopwatch with the utmost precision. Mea culpa.)) 

Oh, I see Jordan Zimmermann. Howdy, ZNN! Wait, what? Is that gum... Is he.. You miscreant!

Sigh. I thought we might not have to see this unsanitary display of gum chewing after the Big Donkey left town. Well, it appears Jordan Z took over for Adam D in that department. Enjoy enraging my wife by chewing your gum like a vile human being, Jordan. (You still my boy, though. If you ever happen to hear my wife screaming, "What are you, five? Put the god damned gum back in your mouth! Gah!" through the TV, and get offended, just let me know. While I would never, ever Brett Myers a lady, I am not above giving her a stern stink-eye.)

Finally, (Hey! Keep your "about time"s to yourself!), we see in all his glory, Gio freaking Gonzalez, and him doing what he do.

That's right, folks. Gio be all, "Toot toot, bitches. The train that is the NL BEAST MACHINE is just getting rolling. Here's some fist pumps for you suckas!" Or maybe they're playing Party Rock, and he's really, really into it. It's certainly one of those two things. Or it may be both, cause Gio does it like that.

Adam is a tad laid back.

You know... I didn't have any preconceived notions of Adam Dunn when he came here.

Now, though?

I'm 900% positive he's the most laid back guy on the planet. He makes Jeff Lebowski look like Mr. Pink from Reservoir Dogs. How else can you explain this reaction to an RBI double single that Josh hit to tie the game in the bottom of the 8th inning? (If all you get is a small black square below, click on that. Why? Beats the shit outta me. The gif sometimes pops up, sometimes doesn't.)

The dude abides. Now, who do you think Donny is? Quick, someone get Collin Balester here, pronto!

Gentleman Josh and debonair Dunn. Take III.

[Update: 8/06. It was pointed out to me that I'm an absolute moron. I spelled Clippard's name wrong in the nickname poll. It should obviously read Clippard the Big Red Dog. Stupid "L"s.]

What's that? We've done this already? Yeah, yeah. I know... but damn if this shit doesn't make me giggle. I have no clue why, either. So... for you're viewing pleasure, Misters Dunn and Willingham, once again.

The Donkey and the Hammer. Proper gents. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Okay. That's the last of that. I swear think.

Super busy at work today, but for those of you guys that don't look at the comments, my nickname for Tyler Clippard (which is Goggles), has been challenged by Carl.

So, it is my pleasure to present to you the first ever Section 138 poll. Please vote accordingly on the top right of the page. As for rules? There are no rules. At least from me. I would imagine there are rules from blogger, but I didn't care enough to look those up. So, anyway... try and stuff the ballot boxes if you want, I have no clue if it will actually allow you. Get your friends (If, unlike me, you actually have any) to vote . Get your pets, bobble heads, and baseball cards to vote. But most of all, Goddammit, do your civic duty, and check one of those boxes yourself. Who knows... we might even get 11 votes out of this, and put it to rest for once and for all.

Adam Dunn: Gentleman Extraordinaire! And a Drew Storen nickname update.

I had a good buddy of mine (The Doctor, who comments often) point this out to me yesterday. It appears that whenever either Adam Dunn or Josh Willingham do something good (say, hit a home run, or "Code Red" Flop in the home team clubhouse of Miller Park), Mr. Dunn insists upon shaking Josh's hand.

Evidence of this comes in the form of a crappy ass video that I spent 3 hours making into the wee hours of the night last night. It's a piece of shit, and I hope you're a good reader, cause the title pages fly by pretty quick, but overall, I had fun. (Not enough to ever... and I mean EVER do it again, though.) So... kick back, relax, and enjoy!

Josh and Adam are Fancy Pants gentlemen. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Not to be outdone by my marvelous video production, however, is this new addition to the Drew Storen nickname list. It came from an anonymous commenter back on my July 22 Drew Storen post. Revel in all it's glory:

Seems obvious to me. 22 Ks in his last 11 innings with one hit and no walks.

"El Drew K"

God Damn that's good. If I can ever get an hour or two to get all the nickname suggestions for Drew together, I'll make that it's own post.

2:05 game today, folks. The Nats are facing Yovani Gallardo who, even though he attended a high school known to produce... umm... not the brightest students (Example A: This picket sign), is actually quite astute in the pitching department. As the great Crash Davis once said, "don't think Meat, just throw." He'll have to throw his ass off if he hopes to avoid any handshaking today. Go get him, boys!

The solution to all of Cristian Guzman's fielding problems

Hi there. Hey, did you see last night's game? You did? Yikes, huh!? You didn't? Ah, you missed the debacle of all debacles. I'm actually not sure whether to recommend you try and see it, or congratulate you on having missed it. It was... well... shitty. I'm talking rolling around in it for 500 yards Shawshank Redemption shitty. Steinberg has a really good wrap up with some screen grabs here.

I have no ideas to help Ryan Zimmerman, who grounded into two double plays last night . I have no ideas for The Big Donkey, who struck out three times with RISP. I have no ideas for Joey Beimel, who botched a perfect inning ending double play ball by throwing to the infielder who was actually backing up the throw to second. And, I certainly don't have any ideas for poor Wille Harris, who took a ground ball right to the nuts, except maybe a titanium cup. Nor for Austin Kearns, who would have had a yakety sax made by me except there is already one out there.

But what I do have, folks, is an idea for Cristian Guzman, who all of a sudden thinks he's playing fucking soccer. After kicking three ground balls in the past two games, I threw on my inventor hat, and got busy.

Without further delay (cause... seriously... I've built this shit up enough already, and it actually sucks), and as a tribute to Billy Mays (Hi, Death here for BILLY MAYS!) I give you...

"The Goozie Boots". Strap these puppies on, and you'll be fielding like Ozzie fuckin Smith. (As always, feel free to click to enlarge.)


HUGE hat tip to our own Natmosphere's Miss Chatter, who took this picture and loaded it on her Flickr photostream.

John Lannan silences loud ass New Yorkers.

Eyebrows threw one hell of a game last night. If I wrote for the New York Post, my headline wouldn't read, "Bit By Nats", as it did this morning. (How fucking original, btw.)

Nay... mine would read as big as possible for all the world to see....

LANNAN IS THE MANNAN!!!

And that's why I'm not a sports editor.

Anywhoo... last night was nothing short of super fucking fragalistic by Johnny Lannans. 8 1/3 IP, 4 Hits, 4 K, 1 BB, 2 ER. (Which were cheap ass wind tunnel aided right field HR.) He only faced 5 batters over the minimum, and had the Yankees fans quiet as a pedophile in prison.

The Big Donkey crushed a homerun to right that didn't need any help from that that dirty New York air to get out, (Two notes on the highlight... 1) don't ever throw something soft, down, and in to Dunn on a 3-0 count and 2) too bad it wasn't the MASN feed, cause that feed showed his wife and kid right after the HR. I'm pretty sure they both starred in one of the Children of the Corn movies.) and Nick the Stick tripled in the fifth to drive in two more runs. Those three runs were all Eyebrows needed.

Until the 9th, that is. Johnny gave up a leadoff cheapie shot to Damon, got a pop out, then gave up a single to Teixeira. Manny (Is he still the manager? I'm pretty sure FOX Sports said he got fired last weekend?) pulled Johnny at that point and brought in Mike "damn you in the face" MacDougal. Mac promptly allowed a pinch runner to advance all the way to third on stolen bases, and walked A-Rod.

(I twittered this the other night, but I'm repeating it anyway. After MacDougal came on to start the 8th inning against the Yankees on Tuesday, he only managed to record one out while walking two, striking out none, and giving up a hit and a run to four batters. As he walked off the mound, my tweet was, "Another reliever shoves Manny further out the door. I wonder if MacDougal will have the common courtesy to at least give him a reach-around. Gah!" That's PURE GOLD, Jerry, so be sure you follow me @section138.)

Again with the ranting... my bad. Anyway, the situation was electric in Yankee Stadium. I was having a fucking heart attack. I couldn't sit down, and wore a path in the carpet from my pacing. I felt like I wanted to die, because deep down, I think I knew what was going to happen (Bullpen. Assplode). I'll let the great Chico Harlan finish it up with a quote from his gamer:

Runners were on first and third, one out, in a one-run game. The place was bonkers. Those in the Nationals dugout had experienced four consecutive games with late blown leads, and here was MacDougal, pitching to Canó, with hits in seven of his last nine at-bats. Canó fouled off two, then looked at two balls. MacDougal was throwing high-90s fastballs, no exceptions.

"Should I maybe mix in a slider?" he thought.

No -- catcher Josh Bard kept asking for the heat.

Four more fastballs, and Canó fouled off all of them.

Then, one more pitch, and it was over. The place went quiet. Canó bounced a grounder to short. Cristian Guzmán flipped to second, starting a double play. The Nationals snapped a four-game losing streak. Lannan burst from the dugout and high-fived MacDougal on the mound.

FUCK! and YES! I lost it, and started fist pumping and yelling. My dog had no clue what was happening, so he tried to bite my face. I actually felt something in my arm pop, but I didn't care. It actually hurt for an hour or so afterwards and I was afraid it would fall off like Flores' did.

I guess my point is this... I haven't felt that excited with a win since opening day 2008, when Zim hit the walk-off HR to win the game. This game had drama. This game had a great storyline. And most of all, this game had all my hopes laying on a shitty ass bullpen.

I love you, Mikey Mac. It might only last one appearance, but for now... you're my boy.

About that Adam Dunn strike out in Randy Johnson's 300th win...

You know, the one where the umpire punched Dunn out with the bases loaded and 2 outs in the bottom of eighth the with the score 2-1 Giants? Brian Wilson was brought in to hold the lead and earn Randy Johnson his 300th win. If the sixth pitch in this at-bat was called a ball, it would've made Johnson's start a no decision. As is was, the home plate umpire, Blindy McBlinderson, called it strike three. The Giants held the lead, and Randy got his 300th win.

I woke up this morning feeling dirty. Like that call was still all over my skin, and I couldn't get it off no matter how hard I tried. So I jumped on MLB gameday to see where the pitch was. I know, I know, it ain't exactly 100% precise, but it still gives you an idea of where the pitch was located.

So, I'm watching the pitches come in, one at a time. I see the fifth pitch come in high, for ball three, and I'm gearing up for the sixth, and final pitch. The one that I thought was low. The one that was called strike three. So, what happens? They fucking shift the strike zone down! Seriously! I made a gif of screen shots from the pitch track of the two pitches. Look how far down they shift the strike zone. It's a fucking conspiracy!! (Puts on foil hat.)




Okay, well they might be able to alter gameday, they can't alter film. I urge all of you to head on over to the video of the strikeout here. My apologies in advance to those of you that have not been subjected to the shitty ass MASN "defining moments" ad campaign, as you'll have to sit through one.

Wait you know what? No, I'm not sorry. We've had to sit through 851 of these ads every game all damn season. (Which is a post topic for another time... the 'real' Nationals defining moments.)
So, anyway, peep your eyes over there and lookie for yourself.

Since that still wasn't enough, I decided to get a screen grab from that video to do my best to show the strike call in question. Here it is in all its wonderful glory shittiness .


Now, I just want everyone to remember that

The Strike Zone shall
be determined from the batter’s stance as the batter is prepared to swing at a pitched ball. (Rule 2.00 'The Strike Zone')

That means from his upright stance as the pitcher is delivering the ball. It's not as his back leg dives as he offers as the pitch. Also, the bottom of the strike zone was defined in 1998 in this memo to umpires:

The Strike Zone is that area over home plate the upper limit of which is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the shoulders and the top of the uniform pants, and the lower limit of which is at the top of the knees. (Instructions to umpires, 1998)

So, how does that screen grab make you feel? Like throwing yourself down a flight of stairs? Yup. Me too. Zippie chance that pitch was above his knee.

And, to continue on a post from a few days ago, did you notice Manny Acta sprinting from the dugout to not only argue the bad call, but to defend his slugger Adam Dunn so that Dunn wouldn't get tossed?

Fuck and No, are the answers. It's the pivotal play of the game, and a time when managers have to step in to protect their players. He just sat on his fucking hands thinking, "I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind. Just maybe later. Like next inning. I'll be all like, 'hey, blue... your mom wears army boots! Heh. That'll teach him!"

GAH!

Washington Nationals do not lose.

Soooo much to write about. Soooo little time.

I'm trying to knock this post out before my boss sends me another email. We'll see how that goes.

My views from last night's not loss:

• I crushed a six-pack of Reese's peanut butter eggs in two innings. Them fuckers be delicious.
• Adam Dunn is so reliable, watches ask him for the time. (Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all the week. Tip your waitresses.)
  
• Shy Young could seriously do some damage if his three pitches can all be thrown for strikes. He can't bunt for shit, however.
• Zippie chance DOOKS! was taking on that 3-0 pitch. Before Dibble (Who I actually like!) and Carpy (Who I still hate!) had their green light conversation, I beat them to it. I'm in my living room, and I jump up and scream as loud as I can, in my best Bill Alfonso voice, "Green Light Daddy-O!" The man beast swung, and that shit was crushed.
• I think I'm gonna like Joe Beimel. Sure, he might look...um...different (is caveman-like too harsh to say?), but he just made the Phillies look silly in the 8th. The set-up job is his.
• If we just get some consistent pitching, we could be okay. Right now, we rank 5th in the NL with an average of 5.25 runs scored/game. We're dead last in runs allowed per game, however with 7. I'm telling you, this offense can score more times than Mickey Rooney had wives. (He was married 8 times. Seriously. Mickey fucking Rooney. This little guy.)

I know I promised an update last night, but I was so damn excited that I ran to downtown Rockville to celebrate with the other three fans. We were hooting and hollering, and then it turned into a riot donnybrook pathetic display.
We got all boisterous and flipped over a cop car motorcycle moped. Then we stared lighting huge bonfires sparklers. Fucking good times. I didn't make it home until 10:15, so I was dog tired.

Uh-oh, just got an email from the dictator. I'll talk to you deliriously happy folks later.

Yeeeeeeeee Hawwwwwwww

Opening Day, Bitches!

Eyebrows is on the bumb vs. Tobasco and the Marlins.

Johnny boy's gonna hook the Fish, haul 'em in the boat, and give them to Dmitri Young Ray King Adam Dunn to eat. (It's pretty amazing that he's considered the fat body on the squad, no?)

Anyway, to recycle from last year's Nolasco post (cause I'm TOO GOD DAMN BUSY AT MY SLAVE JOB!):

Lannan for the good guys, against stinky ol' Ricky Tabasco for the Marlins. Ricky is from Corona, CA, and is sporting a wickedly hairy chin, and a nasty snarl.


Ain't he a tough looking one? Cheer up, Ricky. You're from Corona, CA. Home of The Golden Cheese Company of California, one of the largest cheese factories in the world!

(And I'd be remiss if I didn't say this... Really, guys? Kearns in right over DOOKS!? Ya'll are gonna get a text message from a certain guy whose name rhymes with Smoliga Fooks. God. Dammit.)

The most pressing question with the Adam Dunn signing.

The one question on everyone's mind right now is what to do about Adam Dunn. And his number. The Big Donkey wore #44 for nine years in Cincinnati. (Thank God for spell check, btw. Why the hell can I never spell Cincinnati right? I always wanna throw in a few extra "t"s. Cincinatti kinda looks right. Right?) After he was traded to the Arizona Diamondbacks last year, Adam wore #32 because two year starter Micah Owings was wearing #44.
Now...I'm not one to judge, or jump to conclusions...but, if Adam can't get Micah, shown below, to give up his number...


Imagine what Blastings will say when Adam approaches him for #44...



On the other hand, I am friends with a friend of a friend of Lasting's cousin, and I heard he does have a price, and the number could be had if the price is right...


FWIW, no one on the current 40 man roster is sporting #32, so maybe the Dunner will just settle for that?

JimBo Done a Dunn Deal. Nationals sign Adam Dunn!

It was either that or Dunn a Done Deal. They both suck, but who cares, right? We got Adam Troy Dunn. 6'6" of pure twisted steel and dynamite. Saints be praised!
My man Chico got the scoop. Props to him, as some had been hating on him for getting beat by other writers to stories. Bill Ladson was probably breaking a Kit-Kat while Chico was breaking this deal. Just kidding, Bill. Love you!

The Washington Nationals have agreed to a preliminary deal with free agent Adam Dunn, a signing that would fulfill their offseason-long search for a left-handed power hitter. Two independent sources have told the Post that Dunn will sign a two-year deal, possibly announced as early as tomorrow.

No word on the dollar amount yet, but I'll have to assume it falls between the $5MM (+ incentives) that Abreu signed, and the $14MM Dunn was asking for. Plus, there's that whole "Come play for the Washington Nationals" fee we had to pay. My guess? 2 years $24MM. Plus free Ben's Chili Bowl, or Red Hot and Blue... whatever the big man wants.
Update: Chico's saying it's two years $20MM. Seriously? We just signed Adam Dunn for the cost of Milton Bradley? JimBo, you scally-wag you!

So, who's the odd man out? I wrote back in early January that it appeared to me the Nats were trying to squeeze Milledge outta town. If Dunn DOES play LF, then I'm assuming it's DOOKS! in CF, and Willingham/Kearns in right. This kinda depends on Nick Johnson being healthy all spring, which is kinda like hoping Ray King could shop anywhere besides a big and tall store. (He may be gone, and thank Jesus for that, but I'll always hate that man.)
Or...say Nick the Stick does have a great spring. His trade value would be high, and since he's more fragile than Barbaro, it would be the best time of the whole year to trade him. Get some nice prospects outta the deal, and we cool. He is making $5.5MM this year, and no way that gets sat on the bench. (Which brings about another argument about Kearnsie, which I choose not to get into now.) Oakland was rumored to be interested in him, and a good spring could push the deal.

This is really getting me pumped for Spring Training. Well, this and Mother Nature getting drunk lately, and handing over reign of the DC area weather to her 3 year old kid. For Christ's sake, lady..it's February! Is a little snow, and highs in the 30s too hard for you to understand? You trying to keep us on our toes with a few days in the 70s every now and then? Screw you. My sweater vests are in rotation now... and you shouldn't fuck with the rotation. Blastings would agree, I think.

So, folks. Strap yourselves in, cause this could be one hell of a ride. Dunn is bringing his career average's with him, and while some are good (.247/.381/.518; 29 2B; 40HR; 96RBI; 130OPS+) some might cause some bumps in the road (.247; 180 SO). But who the hell cares, I say! We just got us someone nicknamed the BIG frickin DONKEY!