Spanning and Slowesing

I really can't write anything that could make Denard Span's game saving catch from last night any better than it looked, and sounded. In truth, enough of you are probably telling me that I should have stopped at "I really can't write anything."

FINE. BE THAT WAY. JERKS. I PRESENT: Denard does his thing, while Charlie does his.

Also, I think this looks super duper neat-o coolio and the gang. (They should make is a carnival ride. Maybe tie a rope to your head and another to your feet. Then, the carnies take turns pulling the ropes. Until they mess up and rip you in half. You know what? Scrap the ride idea.)

Take that, Puig and Scully!

(Please don't kill me, Mr. Scully. I love your work. And I love that you've discovered a way to bring immortality to humans without the whole "have to become a vampire" thing.)

Danny Espinosa has an arm that throws objects incredibly fast, far, and accurately.

Well, looks like it's time to show off Danny Espinosa's cannon, RPG, howitzer, bazooka, missile launcher, [insert other metaphorical object here] yet another time. Which suits me just fine, since Strasburg threw 3 & 2/3 innings of perfect ball and lost, while Gio threw 5 innings of perfect baseball, but also managed to lose.
Take it away, Daniel-san.

I must say, all those days of Mr. Miagi having Danny pulling down a lever from his grain elevator sure did pay off.
Crap, there goes my afternoon. Now I'm going to be picturing a Karate Kid "Mr. Miagi puts Danny Espinosa through menial chores which Espi does begrudgingly  only to find out that Mr. Miagi has, indeed, given him every skill needed to excel at baseball" montage the rest of the day.
Now, if only Miagi could teach our boys how beat 13-22 teams. It should be so damn simple. He could, like, have them practice taking tootsie rolls from 8-month-olds. Or have them practice up-selling Tony LaRussa to the 20oz beer. Kid's stuff, really. Sigh.

Jordan Zimmermann... Hubba, hubba.

ZNN. ACE. GOOD. ZOMG. GOD. Look, whatever short, all caps word you choose to apply to Jordan, they all fail in conveying what he truly is, and is all about. That word don't even exist yet. Besides, who likes having to read a bunch or words? Words are for suckers. Let's go to the videotape to describe him:

Oh. I see. "STUD." Very apropos.    

Above words aside - if you do want to read a bunch of letters formatted into words and paragraphs to describe how good Jordan Zimmermann is, here are some:

Zuckerman.

Citizens. 

Comak.

Enquirer.

The boys are back. And they're *spectacular.*

Spring training is here! Spring training is here! I swear, there's no better day of the year than when the first Nats' game is broadcast. You plop down on the couch, have a beer in each hand, a remote in the other, and your opposing team's voodoo doll in your fourth. Here it is. The first video images of the 2013 gang: 

The boys in all their Spring glory from Section 138 on Vimeo.

And, if you're like me (which would be way cool, btw. We could totally hang out, making stupid jokes, baking cookies that resemble Jayson Werth's Beard, and punching my life-size Chase Utley mannequin. Think about it! My email is up in the top right of the page, yo's!) you rewind the first 30 seconds of the broadcast over and over and over again, to see if what you thought you saw, was what you thought you saw.  

The first thing that pops out at you, of course, is Matty Purke and his... well, his face.

                                     

I think it is very apropos that another Matty takes over from our last "Player X" face. Yes, Matty Purke is taking over from Matty Capps. You may be gone, Matty Capps Face, but you seem to be in good hands.

Later, you think you see Jayson Werth and new first base coach Tony Tarasco sharing some love. You check again. 

  Yes, sir, HAND POUNDS ABOUND when you're Jayson Werth and his new BFF, Tony. (I swear that's Tarasco, btw. I still haven't shelled out the $7 to get a tripod for my little camera, so I'm stuck holding it in my hands, while filming the TV. My unsteadiness lead to Tarasco being totally cropped from that clip. My humble apologies, Tony. I'll be sending you a bushel of throat lozenges to soothe your larynx after screaming "BACK" on pick-off attempts. (I don't mean to offend you, Tony, but what else do you do there when coaching first? Oops, sorry, you must also operate a stopwatch with the utmost precision. Mea culpa.)) 

Oh, I see Jordan Zimmermann. Howdy, ZNN! Wait, what? Is that gum... Is he.. You miscreant!

Sigh. I thought we might not have to see this unsanitary display of gum chewing after the Big Donkey left town. Well, it appears Jordan Z took over for Adam D in that department. Enjoy enraging my wife by chewing your gum like a vile human being, Jordan. (You still my boy, though. If you ever happen to hear my wife screaming, "What are you, five? Put the god damned gum back in your mouth! Gah!" through the TV, and get offended, just let me know. While I would never, ever Brett Myers a lady, I am not above giving her a stern stink-eye.)

Finally, (Hey! Keep your "about time"s to yourself!), we see in all his glory, Gio freaking Gonzalez, and him doing what he do.

That's right, folks. Gio be all, "Toot toot, bitches. The train that is the NL BEAST MACHINE is just getting rolling. Here's some fist pumps for you suckas!" Or maybe they're playing Party Rock, and he's really, really into it. It's certainly one of those two things. Or it may be both, cause Gio does it like that.

Stephen Strasburg was erred by the scamp in blue!

Hi, ladies and germs. Miss me? Really? Well, I didn't miss you either, so there.

/Sobs in the corner while petting Danny Espinosa's bobblehead.

So, Stephen Strasburg (the latest member of the high profile Opening Day Starter club) pitched in yesterday's ballgame against the Mets. He was cruising along, you know, all Stras-like, when he ran into Lucas Duda HP umpire Hunter Wendelstedt. Stevie Stras had Lucas Duda 1-2 and threw a nasty breaking ball to strike him out. Only he didn't. Wendelstedt was too busy lighting his crack pipe to see the pitch, and called it a ball. You can guess what happened next, right? You got it. Home run. Hunter Wendelstedt 1, Washington Nationals 0.

A written description of these events really doesn't do it justice, so I made my first video of 2012. Hooray! Bully! Huzzah! (Come on, folks. Can you at least act interested? Sigh...) So, without further ado, I present to to, the worst call in the history of calls*.



As you saw, that ball was right down the middle. I mean, Strasburg starts heading off the mound, and Duda starts heading to the dugout, for Christ's sake!

Okay, I'm doing this post as a drive-by, so I'm outta here. Be on the look out for new posts soon, as well as a new shirt! Here's a hint - It's Gio Gonzalez. (That hint was for any Phillies fans that read this blog. I didn't want you all to have to waste half a day trying to figure out a harder hint.) Adios, muchachos!

*I apologize for the shakiness of the video. I had to hold up the camera and record the TV, cause, well, that's how I roll. I asked for a teeny tripod for Christmas, but no one got me it. Maybe I'll ask Hunter Wendelstedt for one, cause he appears great at granting people wishes. I guess I just need to write him that wishlist on Mets letterhead.

Hooray! I didn't have to cringe this time!

A play occurred in Monday's game that resulted in the ball being thrown a gazillion rows up into the stands. Sure, sure, it's a regular happening at Nats park, but, the difference this time? It wasn't a Nat, and I roffl'd as opposed to ohnoes'd. (Aaaaand, I've already used up my meme allowance for the entire post in the first paragraph.)
A ground ball was hit to Alex Gonzalez (the Braves shortstop as well as the holder of the awesome nickname "Sea Bass") who threw the ball to second base to try and start a double play. Well, eventually he threw it, after triple clutching it, leaving Dan Uggla (the Braves second baseman as well as the wearer of youth sized clothing) with an awkward angle to make a play with. He tried....  You know what? I've already written enough, and video'd too little. LET'S YAKETY SAX THAT MAN!

And, just for the hell of it, let's make a gif out of those three glorious angles.

Bang up job there, skinny sleeves. Maybe if you didn't wear your wife's jersey, you would still have some feeling left in your hands and fingers, allowing you to make that play. Also... screw you for being rich, famous, and (from what the ladies tell me) handsome, you big jerk face!

Another Danny Espinosa Video?

Yes, this is another Danny Espinosa video. It may also be the shortest highlight video of all time, as well. Why is it so short? Because I am a no-talent hack, and a lazy one at that. I had grandiose ideas for this video, but once I started, I realized how much work it would be, so I acted like LeBron James and just said, "Screw it, me done." (A LeBron James joke! Not only am I multi-sport knowledgeable, but I'm also un-original, as every person on planet Earth has already made a LeBron joke.)

Yay. I didn't waste a lot of your time today! (Be sure to pay me back with... well, how bout money? I accept PayPal.) In case you weren't sure what you just witnessed, it was an 8 second clip with sound effects from a 1985 video game*. Now, how many Nats blogs give you that kind of quality content? (The answer: just this one, baby!)

Now, if the Nats can actually sweep the Cardinals, I may just make a 16 second clip with Zelda* or Metroid* sound effects! Cross your toeses, people!

(*Quiet, you! I know these games may be dated but you're lucky I didn't make you suffer through some Intellivision game sound effects. I remember Burger Time well, and if you guys start complaining, I may have to make a video of Livan walking from the mound to the dugout, all the while having his steps sound just like that pudgy chef walking across lettuce, buns, and burgers. I timed Livan once, and it took him 2 minutes and 17 seconds to travel those 100 feet. Is that what you want?!)

Suspensions! Oh, boy!

Well, the discipline for last Sunday's battle in Arizona came out, and it's a joke. Joe Garagiola, Jr. (who is the senior vice president of standards and on-field operations for MLB) gave Jason Marquis a 5 game sit down, Esmerlin Vazsquez a 3 game benching, and both managers a one game suspension.
I overreacted on Twitter yesterday and screamed:

"Marquis gets 5 games, but Vasquez only 3? Well, shouldn't be a surprise as the man handing out the sentence was the GODDAMN AZ GM at 1 point"

Well, I was quickly put in my place by Dave over at Nats News Network, as he kindly reminded me that Jason (being a starting pitcher) will only miss one game, as he only starts every fifth game, whereas Vasquez is a reliever, and will miss three actual games. I took my punishment like a man*, and sulked away from the Internet for a bit. I saw my wife later in the day and she said, "Why so down, clown?" So, I told her about my Twitter overreaction, and how I was chided for it, and she jumped into her Twitter-mobile to throw this out to her 13 followers, all in my defense.

"But wait, Marquis is not only a starter (pitching every 5th), he is also a pinch runner and a pinch hitter."

Vindication! Exoneration! Victory is mine! See that, Garagiola? Your punishment is unjust, dammit! You... You... (Shit... I don't know what physical features of yours to make fun of as a Google image search for you turns up, like, 60 gazillion different people. I mean... Jesus... I had no idea that name was so damn common. Oh, lookie... someone named Joe Garagiola, Jr. looks just like Andre Ethier. And Josh Hamilton. And... a young Asian man.)

Ah, screw it. I don't need to make fun of your physical appearance, because I can make fun of your lazy approach to your job. See, I got a hold of the tape that was sent to the League office, the very same one you used to justify your Marquis five game suspension.And while I can see how B.J. Justin Upton convinced you he was hurt (thanks to the home plate umpire wearing a microphone, and that audio added to the TV feed), I can also tell you were a lazy malazy chore-shirker. Oh yeah, Joe... I can tell that you only watched the beginning of the tape. Now, on my blog, I will out you for the sloth that you are! I present to the world... The video tape that I had to smuggle out of the MLB offices, with my very life at stake.... BEHOLD!

Damn, Joe. I'm surprised you even made it to work to lazily look at the tape. I would've imagined you only drove 1/3 of the way to the office, only to turn back. Do you dress yourself with that same attitude as well? Are you wearing one only one sock, with a half-buttoned dress shirt and no pants? I bet you are, you pant-less son of a bitch!

*I in no way took my chiding like a man. Instead, I replied to Dave with, "Valid point. I will continue w/my stance that Joe Garagiola, Jr. is both an idiot & a stupid doo-doo head, however." Hey, if there's one thing I can say I'm vigilant about, it's staying immature. Without my child-like outlook on life, I would've killed Ray King, Rob Dibble, Garrett Mock, Felipe Lopez...
Shit... mentioning these names again makes me want tO....

ARGH! GAVIN ANGRY! GAVIN SMASH! GAVIN GET IN CAR TO DRIVE TO RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN NOW AT RAY KING'S HOUSE! GAVIN FIND RAY KING! GAVIN SAY, "I KILL YOU, RAY KING. BEG FOR MERCY, RA...oh, hi, Ray. That's a juicy looking burger you're eating, Ray. Can I have one? Thanks." /Nom Nom "Umm, boy... that was a tasty burger. Now... PREPARE TO DIE!" GAVIN SMASH AND MAIM AND KILL! ON TO FELIPE LOPEZ' HOUSE NOW...

The easiest video I ever made.

HI!

Don't know if you all heard, but Roger Bernadina made good catch Friday night. Like... good, good! So good, that I forget proper English when talking about it. I turn into caveman who only say, "Wowsers!"

I try make video that show how good Shark Man be, but all I manage to do is marry music to video, as I stunned stupid by play.

Bernadina? Super Shark! from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Roger Bernadina patrols the outfield like a shark after its prey. The ball is Roger's prey, and it cannot escape.

Me think music go good with diving man. Fit scene well. You got problem with me making such simple movie? Too bad. As meanest man on planet once say to me, "Nanny nanny boo boo. Stick your head in doo doo!"

(I also want make mention of awesome (whoops, or is that JAWESOME) shirt that for sale by awesome t shirt person. Buy now, dum dums. It make you cool when wear it. Just click picture. C'mon... my car needs new stones up front. Anytime it rain, stones slip. Make for not safe driving.)

Coffey shakes and Espi obliterates.

So, yeah, not sure what my obsession with animated gifs lately has been about, but I'm throwing a couple more in this post, too, along with two videos. I'm hiding them behind a page bump, though, cause I'm cool like that I just figured out how to do it.
The first video is something I posted on Twitter, but thought I'd share with you, the non-Twittering folks. It's of our plump and cardio-rich reliever, Todd Coffey. He came into Monday night's game with two runners on, and two outs. He ended up getting a pretty big strike out, and definitely seemed happy about it. See this SUPER PROFESSIONAL video to learn more about his happiness. (Video was filmed off the TV with my camera. Yup, I'm ghetto like that. I also appear to have the early stages of Parkinson's Disease... or maybe I was just really, really nervous getting the images of Todd Fuckin' Coffey on video...)

I made a couple animated gifs from that video, and they're at the end of this post. (If you're reading from the front page, be sure to click "read more" at the bottom.)
Next up is a quick clip from last night's game, and it is (again) about the absolute cannon that is attached to Danny Espinosa's right shoulder. While he doesn't throw the guy out, he makes it way closer than it had any business being. And, yes, I had to film this off the TV as well. If you go to MLB videos, they only show the NY feed, which didn't want to frighten Mets fans with the fact that they have to go up against this arm so many times in the future doesn't show the throw.

Sure do wish that arm of his was around in the days of Vietnam... Could'a used that artillery piece to help John Rambo and Colonel James Braddock free some of our boys a little earlier.
Also (hey, I'm getting serious for a second, so pipe down, dammit), I'm getting a little frustrated with Ian Desmond at shortstop. I love the guy, and his bat would play well for a second baseman. I also think that the shorter throw, and the longer time he can hold the ball would decrease his errors drastically. Now, the only question I have is if his psyche can handle it. He's been touted since way back when Jimmy Bowden compared him to Derek Jeter, and the superlatives didn't stop on his continued rise to the Majors. Could he handle a shift to second? They say he's a clubhouse leader, and that he is mentally strong, but I fear having him needing to be traded. Who would play second, then? Prospect wise, Lombardozzi, Hague, and Kobernus are still unknowns. And, lest we forget, the great Pete Orr ain't walking through that door any time again.
Okay, animated gifs of the Coffey Shuffle? If you said, "Yes, please!" than you're in luck. If you said, "Nope." then... what the hell are you doing at my blog? I don't exactly cater to anything more than photoshops, crappy videos, gifs, and shitty writing. Now then... ON WITH THE JIGGLING!

Ryan Zimmerman is taking over TEH WORLD!

I got a chance to see Ryan (and a lot of other guys) last week during the Winter Caravan thingie. I have another post to write on that entire subject, and I promise it's coming, but I want to focus on Zimmerman first, as he is now laying claim to everything baseball.
As you know, he won not only the Gold Glove for NL 3B, but the Silver Slugger award as well. That, my friends? Not. Too. Shabby. So, I got to see him at White Flint mall last Saturday, and casually congratulated him on that. His response was something like, "Meh, thanks. I appreciate it. I worked hard, and it payed off."
Ryan... dude... for the love of the Jesus, you can walk the walk, but talk the goddamn talk, brother! You know what I want to hear from you? "Thanks, man, I deserved it. I mean... did you see me out there? I was fucking magnificent. Seriously... I played my ass off, and it showed come award time."
Well, I think he read my mind, cause just yesterday I powered up my PlayStation and threw in my copy of MLB '98. (What? I should have a new fangled PS3, or a Wii? How bout you throw some cash my way via my paypal account and I will. You guys already came up lame buying me this and this, though, so I won't hold my breath on the game console.) And what happened when I pushed the power button on my PlayStation, and MLB '98 started? Zim, the goddamn man that he is, has transcended normal human boundaries, my friends. He is now destroying the machine world as well. Take a look, as I was lucky enough to have my video camera not only powered on, but recording the TV at the time! Seriously!

Zim hacked my game from Section 138 on Vimeo.

It's only a matter of time before he's manipulating our minds into doing all his bidding. Which I will gladly do. For reals.

Still with me? Good, one last story. I also asked him why Karl Ravech was calling Ryan "Z Pack" on the ESPN Web Gems special. Ryan's answer?
"I have no idea."
"Where did that come from?" I asked.
"I think it's a drug, some kind of antibiotic."
"But you've never been called that before, right?"
"Nope. Never."
"But... you didn't correct him?"
At which point Zim just kinda shrugged his shoulders.

You should have murdered him in his face with your fists, Ryan. With your fists!


(Wiki link for the reference that inspired the picture for those of you that are too young, too old, or too like my wife to understand it.)

Adam Dunn: Gentleman Extraordinaire! And a Drew Storen nickname update.

I had a good buddy of mine (The Doctor, who comments often) point this out to me yesterday. It appears that whenever either Adam Dunn or Josh Willingham do something good (say, hit a home run, or "Code Red" Flop in the home team clubhouse of Miller Park), Mr. Dunn insists upon shaking Josh's hand.

Evidence of this comes in the form of a crappy ass video that I spent 3 hours making into the wee hours of the night last night. It's a piece of shit, and I hope you're a good reader, cause the title pages fly by pretty quick, but overall, I had fun. (Not enough to ever... and I mean EVER do it again, though.) So... kick back, relax, and enjoy!

Josh and Adam are Fancy Pants gentlemen. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Not to be outdone by my marvelous video production, however, is this new addition to the Drew Storen nickname list. It came from an anonymous commenter back on my July 22 Drew Storen post. Revel in all it's glory:

Seems obvious to me. 22 Ks in his last 11 innings with one hit and no walks.

"El Drew K"

God Damn that's good. If I can ever get an hour or two to get all the nickname suggestions for Drew together, I'll make that it's own post.

2:05 game today, folks. The Nats are facing Yovani Gallardo who, even though he attended a high school known to produce... umm... not the brightest students (Example A: This picket sign), is actually quite astute in the pitching department. As the great Crash Davis once said, "don't think Meat, just throw." He'll have to throw his ass off if he hopes to avoid any handshaking today. Go get him, boys!

Tony Plush is TEH BOMBZ!!11!!

I gotta say... there are some things you have to see in person to truly comprehend. One of those things? Nyjer Morgan's speed. Sure, he looks fast on TV, but in person? Holy bejezzerz! His closing speed is just incredible. Dude can certainly push the garage door opener button from the inside of the garage to close it, and run out before it closes. (C'mon... you all know you've done it. It used to be kinda easy as a kid, but then they had to throw that stupid "safety" laser thing in, so you have to jump over it, while still ducking the door. I swear to Christ... kids these days get robbed of so much raw fun.) Anyway... here are two (crappy ass) clips I pulled from MLBs Gameday coverage today to showcase Nyjer's awesomely awesome speed. First up is Nyjer robbing "Fake Eyebrows" (David Wright).

I gotta say, most of us at the park thought that ball was out. Tony's closing on that ball was unreal. (Shit... I just realized something. I shared my reason for calling Nyjer "Tony Plush" on my Twitter feed (you can follow me on the right), but never told you guys! My bad, homies! Click here to listen to Nyjer being interviewed by some dude back when he was on the Pirates. Very good stuff, and brief, too.)

The next (really crappy) video I'm sharing is Nyjer running down a hard hit ball in the top of the 9th. This is when I realized his true speed. I mean... dude out ran the fucking ball. I was very, very impressed. (Although it doesn't take much to impress me. I was blown away by the pretzel dog at Noah's Pretzels.)
This is also my gift to those of you lucky enough to be able to enjoy the games without Bob Carpenter and Rob Dibble. We all know how I feel about Bob, but this is my first foray into Rob. I don't have the horrible disdain for him that some do, but I certainly agree with Needham in the fact that some of his commentary is... well... not the most analytical stuff you'll hear from a color commentator. Listen in this clip how he eloquently describes Nyjer's catch...

That's right. His expert analysis of the play was "WHOO-HOO" and "How do you like me know." His most common analysis is "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice", and I keep meaning to get a clip of that, but I'm probably among the top 10 laziest mother fuckers on the planet. Maybe someday, but don't hold your breath folks.

And finally, I leave you with one last video, and a comment about it.

We got Nyjer for Lastings Milledge.

LOLCOPTERBBQROFL!!!!!11111!!!!!111

Pi-HA-rates!!!

Ah, shit... Forgot one thing. This is for you, Johnny Lannans. First CG shutout in the history of Nationals Park. Good job, eyebrows! I'm sure quite a few ladies would offer to have your offspring after that outing. Pick well, my friend.