What to Make of Nyjer Morgan's... Antics.

On August 25th word broke Nyjer got a seven game suspension for throwing a ball at a Philly fan. (A suspension for hitting a Philly fan with a ball? Shit, I'd give Nyjer a reward. How about seven dollars? Cause, well, I'm poor. Fuck it, I'll raise that reward to also include seven fist-bops! Cool? Cool.)
Four days later, on August 29th, he took a needless shot at the Cardinals catcher, taking the catcher's glove off and missing the plate entirely in the process. The 31st rolls around and he separates the Marlins catcher's shoulder while bowling him over. And then... well, last night the brawl happened.
Look, I'm not here to talk about whose fault it is, or the ethics of fighting in baseball. I mean, I care about that shit, but it's being talked about to death. Let professionals write about that, and I'll ask the important stuff. Like... what in the hell happened to the "ah, shucks" Nyjer that we knew all last year? I mean, this dude's personality turned as quick as anyone's I've seen. I asked this last night on Twitter, but whose heel-turn was more surprising, Nyjer's or when Shawn Michaels super-kicked Marty Jannetty to break up The Rockers? Hold on a sec here... just gonna go back and watch that clip. HOLY SHIT! How come I never noticed this before? That wasn't Shawn Michaels at all! That's... That's... That's Nyjer Morgan's music!



(Thank you for allowing me to veer off into wrestling land. Much obliged. Anyone still reading? No? Ugh...)

Seriously, what happened to the guffawing Tony Plush that everybody fell in love with? I guess it turns out that he's got a wicked temper just no one had pissed him off enough? Maybe he snaps when pushed far enough? Maybe, just maybe... he's not a nice guy at all...

You see, I did some investigating into Mr. Morgan, and found a destroyed digital camera in an evidence locker of a police station. It was evidence in an investigation into an assault and battery that was never solved. They found the victim in a hospital just muttering to himself, over and over... "I should'a listened to him. He kept telling me not to make him angry. Oh, God. Why did I have to go and make him angry?!" From that smashed camera I was able to pull one picture. The very last picture that the camera had taken....




Oh. My. God. Anyone know a lawyer I can get a hold of? I have a feeling I might need one. Well, that and a hospital once Nyjer finds out I unearthed this pictu


DIS IS INCREDIBLE PLUSH. SECTION138 GONE. ME SMASH! ME SMASHED HIM GOOD!

INCREDIBLE PLUSH NOW OFF TO FIND WES HELMS FOR TALKING BAD BOUT INCREDIBLE PLUSH!

NEED TO FIND AUTOMOBILE TO STEAL TO GET TO FLORIDA. YOU WISH INCREDIBLE PLUSH GOOD LUCK AS INCREDIBLE PLUSH VERY BAD AT STEALING.

Tony Plush pimps, and Ryan Braun irritates.

Nyjer Morgan (aka Tony Plush) is proving to be an invaluable lead-off man, and an invaluable glove. In his last two games, Nyjer is 5 for 10 with a lead-off HR, 4 RBI, and a stolen base. His range in the outfield cannot be defined by our puny human number system, and can only be described as "great googly moogly" good. When he was asked about his lead-off home run last night, Mr. Plush laid it down for us.

The last couple of days, the pitchers have started me off inside, so I had an idea they were going to pound me in," Morgan said. "It's just one of those things where I was feeling a little sexy at the dish.

Sexy indeed, Tony. Sexy indeed.


Ryan Braun, on the other hand, is proving to be a nuisance. He's gone 5-8 with 3 RBI, scored 4 R, and has hit a 2B, 3B, and 2 HR. I'm telling you, I'll be so happy when we leave Milwaukee and no longer have to see this guy:


Oh, wait. Wong picture. Sorry about that. Here's the guy I won't miss a bit:



Easy enough mistake to make, no?

The Nationals have won four sweet-ass games in a row, and others in the league (and some fans that want Bryce Harper on the team) are screaming, "Break up the Nats!" In the four wins, the offense has scored 38 runs while the pitching has allowed only 12 runs. That right there, my friends, is how you win ballgames.

The trade deadline is just about 60 hours away, and our dreamy reliever from Stanford keeps on keeping on, but work is calling. I'll have to leave that post to another time. I'll leave you with one more thought, though... This one focusing on tonight's game.

Manny Parra is on the bump, and he's bringing his 6.42 ERA with him. That dude doesn't stand a chance.

Tony Plush is TEH BOMBZ!!11!!

I gotta say... there are some things you have to see in person to truly comprehend. One of those things? Nyjer Morgan's speed. Sure, he looks fast on TV, but in person? Holy bejezzerz! His closing speed is just incredible. Dude can certainly push the garage door opener button from the inside of the garage to close it, and run out before it closes. (C'mon... you all know you've done it. It used to be kinda easy as a kid, but then they had to throw that stupid "safety" laser thing in, so you have to jump over it, while still ducking the door. I swear to Christ... kids these days get robbed of so much raw fun.) Anyway... here are two (crappy ass) clips I pulled from MLBs Gameday coverage today to showcase Nyjer's awesomely awesome speed. First up is Nyjer robbing "Fake Eyebrows" (David Wright).

I gotta say, most of us at the park thought that ball was out. Tony's closing on that ball was unreal. (Shit... I just realized something. I shared my reason for calling Nyjer "Tony Plush" on my Twitter feed (you can follow me on the right), but never told you guys! My bad, homies! Click here to listen to Nyjer being interviewed by some dude back when he was on the Pirates. Very good stuff, and brief, too.)

The next (really crappy) video I'm sharing is Nyjer running down a hard hit ball in the top of the 9th. This is when I realized his true speed. I mean... dude out ran the fucking ball. I was very, very impressed. (Although it doesn't take much to impress me. I was blown away by the pretzel dog at Noah's Pretzels.)
This is also my gift to those of you lucky enough to be able to enjoy the games without Bob Carpenter and Rob Dibble. We all know how I feel about Bob, but this is my first foray into Rob. I don't have the horrible disdain for him that some do, but I certainly agree with Needham in the fact that some of his commentary is... well... not the most analytical stuff you'll hear from a color commentator. Listen in this clip how he eloquently describes Nyjer's catch...

That's right. His expert analysis of the play was "WHOO-HOO" and "How do you like me know." His most common analysis is "Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice", and I keep meaning to get a clip of that, but I'm probably among the top 10 laziest mother fuckers on the planet. Maybe someday, but don't hold your breath folks.

And finally, I leave you with one last video, and a comment about it.

We got Nyjer for Lastings Milledge.

LOLCOPTERBBQROFL!!!!!11111!!!!!111

Pi-HA-rates!!!

Ah, shit... Forgot one thing. This is for you, Johnny Lannans. First CG shutout in the history of Nationals Park. Good job, eyebrows! I'm sure quite a few ladies would offer to have your offspring after that outing. Pick well, my friend.

The man is trying to keep Nyjer Morgan down.

EDIT: Anyone coming for the Hitler Nyjer/Lastings trade video found on YouTube, it's at the bottom of the post. Read the early shit though too, dammit!

The man in this instance is the monstrosity called ESPN. Did you watch last night's game? Yeah... it had large quantities of shit in it, but remember Nyjer leading off the bottom of the 6th with that bunt base hit? That was all kinds of awesomeness. Only... if you listen to ESPN, they said it shouldn't of counted.

Well, ESPN, allow me to retort. (Use your Kenny Powers voice here.) YOU'RE FUCKING WRONG, AND I'M FUCKING RIGHT!

Rule 6.06 (a) of the Official MLB Rulebook (.pdf link) states:

6.06 A batter is out for illegal action when -
(a) He hits a ball with one or both feet on the ground entirely outside the batters box.

I know reading comprehension is underrated these days, but c'mon. You don't understand the word 'entirely'? It means to the full or entire extent. It doesn't mean some, or half, or a little bit. It mean the whole God damn foot.

Good thing MLB pays umpires to apply the rules during a game, cause if ESPN had their way, they'd take a run off the board, and the Nats need every fucking run they can get. And then some.

UPDATE: An anonymous commenter (I love each and every one of you bastards!) pointed out that one of the YouTube links after my video above ends is called "Hitler sounds off on Lastings/Nyjer trade." (Paraphrased, any way.) I watched it, and it is a must see. It is my pleasure to show you this masterpiece of epic proportions. Turn the sound down, or throw on some damn headphones, and prepare for your face to be blown. (That didn't come out right, did it?)