Collin Balester's name gets demolished and more...

Sorry for taking the past couple days off. Work's been kinda rough during the day, and the new laptop I have at home has a keyboard that drives me up the Goddamn wall. The keyboard has black buttons with the letters being only kinda white, so they're hard to see. Plus, the force you have to use to push the keys is out of control. If I pretended a baby's head was my keyboard, the baby's head would cave in with the force my fingers have to use to try and get the key strokes to register. It really is a debacle of epic proportions.

Speaking of debacles of epic proportions... I was watching SportsCenter this morning before heading off to work when I stumbled upon Neil Everett doing the Nats highlights low lights. Now, I've heard Collin Balester mention how people have messed up the pronunciation of his name, but the only way I know of that they've fucked it up is by saying it in two syllables, like Bale-ster. Now, I get it... it's the Nationals and all, but dude's made 20 Major League starts. Shouldn't a SportsCenter anchor be able to pronounce... I dunno... names of the people they cover? Jesus, Neil. You even write most of your own highlights! You knew you were gonna have to say Collin's name, yet you still fucked it up. Royally.

Neil Everett has problems with names from Section 138 on Vimeo.

So sorry, Collin. Maybe after you win some Cy Youngs and World Series rings, Neil Everett will pronounce your name right. But chances are... he'll still get it wrong.

The official Tyler Clippard nickname poll closed the other day with the final count being:

• Goggles 25 votes (53%)
• Clippard the Big Red Dog 18 votes (41%)

Tyler "Goggles" Clippard it is, folks. Thanks for taking the three seconds to click a little button. To be honest, 43 votes is about 40 more than I expected to get. (Although Carl did do some lobbying on his own behalf. Which is totally cool, btw. There's only rules when you're playing board games with youngsters, I say. Anything outside of that, feel free to cheat your ass off.)

Not sure what the next poll will be, but I'll try and think of something. (Well, I'm lying. I have an idea, but I'm not sure that the topic is something that certain people would want out in public. The thing I'm talking about could cause some serious shit to rain down. I mean, bloodshed in the streets, cars flipped over and burning, windows shattering kinda shit. Here's one hint, however... It concerns a certain relief pitcher who has the baddest ass uniform boogaloo going on this side of... the damn Universe. So, I may bounce that off someones head, but... again... I'm not sure they want rioting and maiming on their conscience.)

And finally, dudes and dudettes, I leave you with Nationals fans pointing their fingers and laughing at Kansas City and Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh may be famous for its Iron City beer, and Kansas City may be famous for its... shit... what the hell is Kansas City famous for*? Anyway, they can now be famous for having Washington Nationals fans laugh their asses off at them.


It took up until 8/14/09, but we can now say that we are better than other teams in the newest SI power poll. Hey, KC and Pittsburgh... might as well burn down your cities and start from scratch. You poor bastards.


*Full disclosure - I spent the greater portion of my childhood growing up in Nebraska, so I love, love, love the Midwest. That said, there ain't shit that the region is famous for. Well, besides tornadoes and wheat. Which ain't no Iron City beer, dammit.

Ross Detwiler to make MLB starting debut against those poopy Pirates

Ladies and Gentleboys,

Allow me to introduce to you the 2007 #6 overall draft pick, Mr. Ross E. Detwiler. I hope the E stands for "evil pirate slaying motherfucker", because this also begins the first of seven total games against the Pittsburgh Pirates. We all know what's riding on the season long series, so it would be nice to get ahead early.

Ross has struggled since being drafted back in '07, and I can't really say I'm stoked for this start. Sure, the guy came off...

[...]one of the best outings of his professional career this year, striking out nine in five innings for Double-A Harrisburg, allowing one run, three hits and no walks. On the season, the 23-year-old Detwiler's ERA is 2.96 with a 28-10 K-BB mark in 27 innings. (source)

But I really don't know what the Nats are planning to do here. Scott Olsen is set to go on the DL, which will open a roster spot for Detwiler. What happens after his start, though? If he throws well, could they possibly be thinking about giving him a few starts up in the Bigs, as Chico Harlan intimates? I mean, think of how bad this could go if the Pittsburgh (snicker) Pirates knock him silly? The kid gets thrown back to AA tomorrow with (possibly) a good case of shell shock.

Craig Stammen had another quality start last Thursday at AAA, and Olsen's next scheduled start is... what... Thursday? That's a little bit long of a lay off, but he could throw a side session, no? J.D. Martin got a little rocked Saturday, but nothing horrible, and Collin had a pretty damn good start last night. Why not give those AAA kids a shot?

I guess I'm just wondering (out load) what in the fuck the Nats reasoning could be for this being anything but a spot start for Detwiler. Again, we'll know more tomorrow, but if the beat writer mentions it, it deserves some discussion, no?

Going up against our mighty 23 year old lefty tonight is none other than... hey, another Ross! Ross Ohlendorf. (Wacky Wikipedia revelation: "He has gained the nickname "Mr. Wonderful" because of the similarity of his last name to the former professional wrestler known as "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff." Why, that is just witty as all get out! His last name kinda sorta, but not really sounds like the last name of a wrestler. PURE. GENIUS!)
Anywhoo, Ross grew up in Texas, and went to school at... OHHHH! Princeton! Well, la-di-da! Check out the big brain on Ross. Hey, Ross... how bout you and your big fucking brain figure out how to stop hitting people! I mean, seriously, you've hit four dudes already. You're tied for 3rd most hit batsmen in the league. Throw yourself a party! (Full disclosure - I removed Tim Wakefield from the league leaders. Tim's a nice dude, and obviously isn't throwing at people. He just happens to throw a pitch that spits in the face of God and Physics. Not even Einstein could know where the fuck his balls are going.)

So, to recap: 23 year old Ross Detwiler (in his first ever Major League start) vs. 26 year old big brained Ross Ohlerendorferner, who was personally responsible for the Yankees getting booted from the 2007 postseason. (A 27.00 ERA, Ross? Way to go, kiddo. Na, giving up 4 hits and 1 BB in 1 IP doesn't hurt your teams chances of wining.)

My money's on the kid. Make me proud, young Ross (who I may start calling "The Million Dollar Man, cause his name, you know, kinda sorta, but not really sounds like the wrestlers last name, DiBiase).

PS. I will probably be watching this game, and might even live blog it. Then again, I might be busy huffing paint thinner. My Monday's are very unpredictable.

I'm off to the game...

Hopefully I can make it out alive today. Since Stan Kasten went on a Philly radio station and invited the whole fucking city of Philadelphia to come down, I have a feeling I should take massive amounts of antibiotics in advance. Philthadelphians have been known to carry doucheness, stupididous, idiotness, meatballheadidous, and gonorrhea.
I'm bringing a pack of D Cell batteries with Chase Utley's name on 'em. If I don't post in the next few days, it means I'm in jail. Pray for me, oh loyal readers.

2nd Annual Nationals - Pirates Bet

Yes, it is that time again. That time of year when my old roommate has the gumption to bet on the Pittsburgh Pirates, and I use all my intestinal fortitude to lay my money down on the Nationals.
If you remember last year, I won the bet with Puttzy over the series winners for the year. The Nats beat the Pie-Rats four games to three, and I welcomed Puttzy with an open mouth (for the BEER. THE BEER!) as he presented me with a case of Yuengling. There was also supposed to be a carton of cigarettes in the deal, but I forget why he welched on that. I mean...he lives in North Carolina, dammit. Cigarettes are...like $1.25 a pack. (Note to MD tax maker-uppers: Fuck. You. $6.50 for a pack of cigarettes? "We're just trying to protect your health," they say. My ass. How come Ho-Hos still just cost a buck?)

So, without further ado...I throw down the gauntlet, and slap Puttzy in the face with my dueling glove. I propose the winner of this year's seven games gets...well, whatever the hell they want. (To be totally honest, I haven't discussed this bet with Puttzy yet. What better way for him to HAVE to accept than by calling him out in front of the tens and tens of you who read this, right?)
I do have a proposal, however. If the Pirates win the season long series, I will drive down to Charlotte, and pay for your ticket to the Oktoberfest thing they got down there. If the Nats win, you buy tickets for me and my wife, and welcome us and the pets down for an extended weekend. And pay for all the beer that is consumed the entire time. (You kinda win either way, dude! Time with me? Fucking awesome!)

Now to put you guys at ease. I have three reasons why the Nats will absolutely, positively beat the Pirates this year.

1) The Nationals hyping of their prospects (on their own webpage) would not have this picture being posted:


Did you read the caption (as usual, you may want to click to enlarge)? I hope he has offensive potential, because he apparently can't field for shit. I mean, seriously....that's the best picture you could find of the kid? Yikes. Their Minor League talent must be awesome!

2) Bodog has the World Series odds up for this year, and the Nationals are 125-1. The Pirates? 150-1. Yeahhhhhhhhh! Have a seat, lunch meats.

3) And, finally, the Pirates are 16-12 in Spring Training (as of yesterday). Way to peak early, guys. Yup, use up all your hits while the stats don't count for shit, poopie Pirates. Suckers.

(I snapped this picture of Nate McClouth early last year when I told him he was playing the Nationals, but it bears repeating. The thunders coming, baby.)

Nats win series, Utley upended.

Nationals win, big time. This offense is rock solid, top to bottom, and so much damn fun to watch. Some HUGE hits last night in the pivotal 8th inning. Casto and Bernadina with singles to start, and then Belliard with a pinch hit single to score Orr (who pinch ran for Casto). Boni walks to make it bases loaded. At that point, I was debating with myself who I would want walking up to the plate if I could choose anyone. I had it down to Guzman and Zim. As luck would have it, it was Goozie's turn in the lineup. He cranked a bases clearing double (with Boni right on the heels of Belliard as they approached home plate) to bust the game open. See you later, Philthies. Have fun missing the playoffs and beating your wives!

The underlying storyline from the previous night didn't die, though. With Chase Utley up for his first plate appearance, Rental plunked him square in the hip with a 90 mph heater. It appears Perez was using vigilante justice, as all signs from the Nationals management pointed towards the Utley/Flores play as being clean. Much love to Rental from this guy!

It didn't end there, though. In the bottom of the fifth, the Nats had the bases loaded with Milledge up. He grounded into a fielders choice, to make it runners at first and third, one out. DOOKS! was at the plate, and grounded to the third baseman. Seemed like a tailor-made inning and rally ending double play. Except Milledge was running from first. And Utley was the pivot man. What happened next made me scream, "Fuck, yeah!" at the TV in the bar. "I wanna have your children, Mills" may have came next. Some screen caps here to show Lastings burying his shins into Utley to break up the double play, and allow a run to score.


My apologies to all wrestling fans I may offend with this statement, but that was some SWEET SHIN MUSIC by Blastings. Hey, Chase Utley: Have a seat, lunch meat. To top it all off, I got goosebumps as the Washington fans gave Mills a standing fucking ovation as he walked back to the dugout. Who says Nats fans don't "know" baseball? Who ever it was, fuck them in the ear. If you want to watch the recap, click here and skip to the 1:18 mark for the takeout. Be sure to watch Zim's 2nd homerun in three days at the 1:44 mark. He is just RAKING the ball, and is loving dead center. I mean, he's KILLING balls.

The boys are in Atlanta tonight to start a 4 game series there. Pitching note: Balester has a sore left bum, so he'll miss his next start, scheduled for Friday. Bergmann, who was due to throw tonight, will instead throw Friday. That means a spot start for a gentleman I wrote about earlier in the year. Mr. Shairon Martis will get his first ever MLB start tonight. Also, in case you guys want to pronounce his name right, it's Shy-ron Mar-tis. Go get him, junior.

Kearnsie poops on poopy Pirates

KEARNSIE! Much love to my beloved #25. Stroking home the winning run. I like that. Speaking of stroking, I gotta get this out of the way. Da Meat Hook has been on the DL with a bad back, and it was just a shitty situation. Nothing was getting better. There were two consultations with doctors (3 if you count Andrew's opinion), and even a call into the Mayo Clinic. Nothing was fixing this shit. That is...until a lady got her hands on Meat. Clipping from the WaPo notebook:

"Young worked with Nationals massage therapist Tatiana Tchamouroff, who focused on his penis hip flexor rather than his back.

"All of a sudden, he felt instant release," Bowden said. "She found the spot."'

You want happy ending now?

Anyway, Nats destroyed the Pirates last night. I didn't get to watch any of the game, only listened to the first inning on the radio cause I had a game to umpire last night. I heard the call on Wil the Thril's 2 run poke, and knew the ballgame was over. I have yet to look at the box score, but I assume the Nationals had 29 hits and the Pirates 1.

Nats have now won 4 straight, and 7 of their last 9. Their record is now 12-17 (.414). Pirates? NOT SO GOOD! How's .393 feel, losers? Other losers? A certain frequent visitor's Rangers. .379? Good god man! Time to have Josh Hammy dealing his stuff in the locker room, maybe.

Well, more goodness to come tonight. Pirates? Maybe wanna bring some skill tonight. Forecast?:

What on tap for tonight? Murder.

The Nationals welcome the Pirates into their humble home tonight. Rental Perez against some 0 and something pitcher..... Zach Duke is his name. I've only known one other Zach in my life. This Zach Duke guy looks like just as big a douche, and is probably a worse pitcher. WHIP? 1.81. Awesome! Let the slaughter begin. True story: I have a bet with a Pirates fan about who's team will have the better head to head record. On the line is a case of beer, and a carton of cigarettes. I'm trying to quit cigarettes, but I'll take his sister instead carton anyway. I im'd him this morning to see if he was prepared for the rampaging rampage about to be laid down.

me: Series starts today, dude. You're facing the hottest team in the universe. Skeeered?
Sent at 11:35 AM on Thursday

him: hahaha um no

me: Then you dumb, holmes.

YOU CAN"T STOP THE NAT ATTACK!

Sent at 11:38 AM on Thursday

him: ummmm I'm pretty sure pirates face many worse things than gnats

me: Whatever your name. You obviously hit the ol' moonshine this morning.

Sent at 11:40 AM on Thursday

The poor dumb fool thinks he stands a chance. I had a picture of the retarded Pirates mascot, Douchey McFuckstick, with a Nationals player sticking his foot up the parrots ass. However, since the formerly mentioned Pirate fan put me in a bad mood with his false bravado, you do not get to witness my MS Paint magic today. Instead, you get to see a picture taken on the Pirates plane today, when they realized they had to play the Nationals today. This is their best player, Nate McLuuuth:


That's right, Nate. The thunder is coming, baby.

WTF is wrong with PA mascots?

Random question: Why the fuck can't Penisylvania make their mascots look like, I dunno, what the hell they're supposed to be? Christ.

Up first? The Penn State Nittany Bear Lion:



What does that look like? That's right, a FUCKING BEAR. Retards. Witness it's likeness:


Another example of Pennisylvania's mascot designers at their finest? Iceburgh, the Pittsburgh Penguins mascot:



I know, I know. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. What the hell is that thing? Sure as fuck ain't one of these:



If anyone can get me some of the fine ass weed those mascot makers were smoking, send a bag my way. I'll sell it, of course, but send it anyway. The Caps look forward to crushing said Penguins if they [the Penguins] can get by the Senators. Ovie's shoulder has got a date with Cindy Crosby's face.