Ross Detwiler to make MLB starting debut against those poopy Pirates

Ladies and Gentleboys,

Allow me to introduce to you the 2007 #6 overall draft pick, Mr. Ross E. Detwiler. I hope the E stands for "evil pirate slaying motherfucker", because this also begins the first of seven total games against the Pittsburgh Pirates. We all know what's riding on the season long series, so it would be nice to get ahead early.

Ross has struggled since being drafted back in '07, and I can't really say I'm stoked for this start. Sure, the guy came off...

[...]one of the best outings of his professional career this year, striking out nine in five innings for Double-A Harrisburg, allowing one run, three hits and no walks. On the season, the 23-year-old Detwiler's ERA is 2.96 with a 28-10 K-BB mark in 27 innings. (source)

But I really don't know what the Nats are planning to do here. Scott Olsen is set to go on the DL, which will open a roster spot for Detwiler. What happens after his start, though? If he throws well, could they possibly be thinking about giving him a few starts up in the Bigs, as Chico Harlan intimates? I mean, think of how bad this could go if the Pittsburgh (snicker) Pirates knock him silly? The kid gets thrown back to AA tomorrow with (possibly) a good case of shell shock.

Craig Stammen had another quality start last Thursday at AAA, and Olsen's next scheduled start is... what... Thursday? That's a little bit long of a lay off, but he could throw a side session, no? J.D. Martin got a little rocked Saturday, but nothing horrible, and Collin had a pretty damn good start last night. Why not give those AAA kids a shot?

I guess I'm just wondering (out load) what in the fuck the Nats reasoning could be for this being anything but a spot start for Detwiler. Again, we'll know more tomorrow, but if the beat writer mentions it, it deserves some discussion, no?

Going up against our mighty 23 year old lefty tonight is none other than... hey, another Ross! Ross Ohlendorf. (Wacky Wikipedia revelation: "He has gained the nickname "Mr. Wonderful" because of the similarity of his last name to the former professional wrestler known as "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff." Why, that is just witty as all get out! His last name kinda sorta, but not really sounds like the last name of a wrestler. PURE. GENIUS!)
Anywhoo, Ross grew up in Texas, and went to school at... OHHHH! Princeton! Well, la-di-da! Check out the big brain on Ross. Hey, Ross... how bout you and your big fucking brain figure out how to stop hitting people! I mean, seriously, you've hit four dudes already. You're tied for 3rd most hit batsmen in the league. Throw yourself a party! (Full disclosure - I removed Tim Wakefield from the league leaders. Tim's a nice dude, and obviously isn't throwing at people. He just happens to throw a pitch that spits in the face of God and Physics. Not even Einstein could know where the fuck his balls are going.)

So, to recap: 23 year old Ross Detwiler (in his first ever Major League start) vs. 26 year old big brained Ross Ohlerendorferner, who was personally responsible for the Yankees getting booted from the 2007 postseason. (A 27.00 ERA, Ross? Way to go, kiddo. Na, giving up 4 hits and 1 BB in 1 IP doesn't hurt your teams chances of wining.)

My money's on the kid. Make me proud, young Ross (who I may start calling "The Million Dollar Man, cause his name, you know, kinda sorta, but not really sounds like the wrestlers last name, DiBiase).

PS. I will probably be watching this game, and might even live blog it. Then again, I might be busy huffing paint thinner. My Monday's are very unpredictable.

U.S.A., U.S.A., U.S.A.!

The US baseball team squared off against Japan this morning (this night in China) to see who would play whom in the semi-finals. The four contenders for the medals were already set, with Korea (7-0) receiving the one seed, Cuba (6-1) the two seed. US and Japan were tied at 4-2.
The game was scoreless through 9. Then scoreless through 10. Then those WACKY Olympics implemented their fucking ridiculous planned rule to avoid marathon games. You see, if a game goes to the 11th inning, the teams get to start with any batter they want in their order. Oh, I forgot to mention....place the hitters in the two previous batting order positions on 1st and 2nd base, and start with 0 outs. I swear to Jesus, Abner Doubleday and Alexander Cartwright are fucking spinning in their graves. They're begging Jesus for a reincarnation so they can come back as car bombs, to be planted on the automobile of whomever came up with this bastardization of their life's work. (They should probably split up, and take out a high ranking Frenchie, as they are the main suspects right now. Fucking frogs.)
So, Davey Johnson puts his 8 hitter, Jason Donald, on 2nd and his 9 hitter, Dexter Fowler, on 1st. His lead-off man is at the plate, Mr. Brian Barden. The US squad goes all BANZAI! on the Japanese, rifling off three straight singles to make it 3-0. (Singles and RBIs complements of Barden, Nate Schierholtz, and Matt Brown.) Terry Tiffee strikes out (Really, Terry? You now hold a spot next to Benedict Arnold on my shit list. Please hit three homeruns in the semi-final to redeem yourself.) to make it 1st and 3rd with one out. John Gall grounds out to the first baseman for the 2nd out, but Schierholtz scoots his lil' behind home for a fourth run. Mike Hessnan decides that's all we need, and flies out to the 1st baseman to end the top of the 11th.
Good Guys 4, Baby Killers 0.
Colorado's first round pick from 2007, Casey Weathers, comes on to close out the game. Japan's number 3 hitter is up. Weathers promptly strikes him out, and gets their 4 hitter to fly-out to center. Runners on 1st and 3rd, 2 outs, 4-0. Weathers then does his best [insert Mets bullpen guy's name here] impression, by giving up 3 straight singles and a wild pitch. The score is now 4-2, runners on 2nd and 3rd. Davey boy decided to walk the # 7 guy to get to the # 8 hitter (That's strategy! It's like Iwo Jima all over again. Suck it, Japan!). Japan pulls the #8 guy (who is hitting .220 in the Olympics) for another guy who looks just like him (What? Seriously! He does!), and is hitting .182 these games. Yup. That's the guy you want up there to win it for ya, Japan. This is why you lost WWII. (Well, that and Little Boy and Fat Man, who destroyed 250,000 people.) As you can imagine, the Japanese dude pops out meekly to first base, resulting in a 4-2 win for the Good Guys. The Stars and Stripes. The Land of the Free. The Home of the Brave. The eaters of apple pie. All that good shit.
So, what does all this mean? Well, the US is playing Cuba in the second semi-final game, set for 6 am EDT Friday morning. As butt crack early as that may be, I urge you to watch. Why? Because it's your patriotic fucking duty, that's why! Also, THE STRAUSBURG EXPRESS is throwing. The future National will mow down them Cuban boys and Communism in 9 tidy innings. It makes for must see TV, folks, unlike a certain Major League baseball team. I'm not naming any names, but here's a hint: They play at Latitude: 38° 53' North; Longitude: 77° 02' West. (Yeah! Get your brains working. You've seemed to be on auto-pilot lately.)

If you want to see who our guys are, I recommend visiting usabaseball.com. (Not because it's the greatest site, it's just the least worst. Seriously..there are some clusterfucks of websites out there devoted to US baseball. I'm just protecting you all from them. You're welcome.)