At least we still have Livo.

Well, for now, at least. The trade deadline is fast approaching and someone somewhere might need an injection of COOL AS SHIT into their clubhouse for a playoff push.

Livo's always showed the demeanor of a cucumber on the mound, and in Wednesday's ballgame, made one of the most nonchalant plays in the history of base ball. (That's, like, going all the way back to what it was called when Old Hoss Radbourn played.) He threw his ¡Livo-ball! to Hanley Ramirez, who proceeded to hit it right back to him. How does Livan field it?

Like a goddamn pimp, that's how. Shit, that man be so cool, women give him their phone numbers. (I'm living proof that this is the most difficult thing to accomplish on the planet. Split an atom? Shit, son, that's 8th grade physics. Have a women give you her number (her real number) unsolicited? Professor Livo teaches that fucking class.)

So, just how cool is Livan Hernandez? Well, word has it that Frank Sinatra approached Albert Einstein in the 1940s about inventing a time machine. What did he want to use the time machine for? Oh, you know what he used it for. To go to the future, visit the smoothest living male of all time, bring that man back to 1960's Vegas, and party it up with that bad mother fucker like no party has ever been partied. In fact, I hear there might just be a couple pictures floating around of that very event...

Ahhhhhh, yeah, Livo. You bad. I mean, look at you, looking like you don't give two shits about nothing. You bad, indeed.

I needed an IV after Sunday's game.

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Edgar Allan Poe. (You see, cause he was bi-polar and was prone to mood swings... You didn't know Poe was bi-polar? Crap... how about... Kurt Cobain? Cool? Cool.)

Jesus, that game had more ups and downs than Kurt Cobain.
I was so exhausted that I needed to get an IV drip in the living room after the game. (Before 2006 I would've popped a couple greenies, but since MLB made them illegal in that year, I've stopped taking them. You think I'mma risk my blogging career by testing positive? Shiiiiiiit, son.)

I don't need to re-hash the game, as you can find the write ups here, here, here, and here. I do want to focus on three things, though.

First - the ejection of Jason Marquis. With one out and a runner on first, in a one run game, Marquis threw a sinker inside that just kept moving inside and ended up hitting B.J. Justin Upton. (Upton put on an award-worthy acting performance when he flopped to the ground "writhing" in pain, only to hop to his feet moments later and run to first base, but that's another post in itself.) It was an obvious non-intentional HBP, but the umpire decided he could see into Marquis' brain and noticed there was intent. So he chucked Marquis (and Riggles) out of the game. You can see the video here, but I just wanted to transcribe Ray Knight's color commentary on the situation. It was...

"Oh that's ridiculous. Good gracious alive the dad-gum score of the game is one zip. You seriously think he's trying to hit somebody there? Are you flipping serious? That's ridiculous. I don't care if he's been hit 12 times, the score of the ball game is one to nothing, there's no way a starting pitcher is gonna hit somebody in retaliation.
...
You're not gonna hit somebody in a game situation like that. If you're gonna hit him, you're gonna hit
him a week later, a month later, the next time you play. That's stupid. You've GOT to be kidding."

..epic? Ray was hotter than a June bug, I tell ya! Hoo-boy!

Second - Danny Espinosa getting plunked. Video of this dastardly deed can be found here, but this is all you need to know about it: 1) Espi was this goddamn close to performing the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique on all them Diamondback motherfuckers. And 2) The MASN feed had a great shot of the dugout railing as Espi was being convinced to spare the Diamondback's slithery lives. I now present to you, what I title as...

IS LIVO TIME, MOTHERBITCHES!!!!!

(Titled that because that's what I imagine Livan is screaming to himself as he's vaulting the railing.)

Thirdly - Let's wrap this up with The Rhino, Vamos Ramos, not only showing up the D-Backs, but making sure they knew he was doing it, as well. After Espinosa was plunked, Ramos came up and hit a 3 run bomb. He circled the bases rather slowly,* but that could have been due to him being hobbled by a bad shin, caused by a foul ball striking him there earlier in the game. When asked if he ran slower than usual due to the fact that he was injured, Wilson manned the fuck up, and said that no, the slow trot was to prove a point - that "I wanted to see those guys angry."

He's guaranteed a fastball in the ribs the next time the Diamonbacks and Nats play, but he's also guaranteed an icy cold cerveza, and my daughter's hand in marriage, cause that right there is some GROWN-ASS-MAN action.

*There's a guy out there that actually times all the home run trots around the league. He hasn't updated Sunday's game yet, but I clocked it (via the video) at 28.41 seconds. Wilson's average trot the three previous time the guy has clocked him? 23.46 seconds. Ramos let the D-Backs soak in his awesome presence an extra 5 seconds. That, my friends, is so charitable and noble of him, as they are all better men for being exposed to his golden fucking glow. Maybe some of them even gained an ability they lacked before last night - the power to impregnate females.

Milwaukee Brewers? More like Milwaukee Suck At Baseballers.

Ah, that was nice, wasn't it? The best part of the entire weekend? On Friday night, when Brewers starter Chris Narveson walked two with the bases loaded. He even walked Gorzelanny on four straight pitches. At the time, I tweeted, "When did the Brewers sign Garrett Mock?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, Brewers!!1! Your dude pitches like Garrett Mock!! I also enjoyed it immensely when Narveson threw ball four to Gorzelanny, and Wil the Thril was all, "Good pitch. Wait... WHAT!?"

So, what was the worst part about the weekend? Realizing that Garrett Mock is STILL IN THE FUCKING ORGANIZATION. Look at this line from Friday night's boxscore:


This is normally where I'd write something snarky about his performance. But, seriously... there are no words. I really cannot understand why he's taking up a roster spot. Do they think he'll just figure it out? I mean, that has to be it, right? He can't have a mechanical flaw that could be fixed, and you know why? A quick look at his B-Ref bio shows that he has played for 11 different teams in two organizations, Arizona and here. Now, if you have 11 different coaching staffs see you in your eight pro seasons, wouldn't you think that ONE person on those 11 coaching staffs could spot the mechanical issue? And who knows how many pitching coaches actually have seen him between those 11 teams and all his spring trainings. His BB/9IP rate of 1.7 in 2005 while playing in high A ball for the Diamondbacks is by far his best. Maybe we need to hunt down the coach of that 2005 Lancaster JetHawks squad and see if he can work with Mock. I mean, shit, ain't nothing else working.
(Okay, I need to move on before I convince myself to drive to Syracuse and pull Garrett's arm from his body. Apparently that might be the only way to get him out of the org.)
On game one of yesterday's double header, Jason Marquis did his best to make up for the big pile of poop that was his 2010 season, and the$7.5MM that he was given for that year, by going 7 innings and giving up just 2 runs. A nice attempt really, but short of him running over Chase Utley with his car, not much he does will ever let him off the hook for last year's 0 IP 7 run game debacle. That was one year ago today exactly, and the wound has not come close to healing. If Jason wants to make an attempt at winning me back, he can start by getting Danny Espinosa to lay his magical hands upon my daughter, thus gracing upon her the awesomeness that is Daniel. Oh, and get him to ride bikes with me on an off day. I'll buy one of those two seater bicycles, and we can just cruise around together. Him laughing at my cool jokes, and me tussling his hair while sharing an ice-cream sundae from the local Maggie Moos. No, wait... I bet he like the Peanut Butter S'moo, just like me! Of course he does, how could I be so silly to doubt that.
In game two, Livo did his best to make up for what he did to the franchise, too. You see, back in 2006 Livo was traded by the Nats to the Arizona Diamondbacks for Matty Chico and (wait for it.....) Garrett Mock. He feels so badly about it that he wakes up every morning with a yucky taste in his mouth. He has sworn to devote every day of the rest of his life to Nats fans, trying to amend that transaction. His seven inning, one run performance yesterday was proof of his dedication to eradicating all memories of a relation between himself and Garrett.
And finally, I was pretty shocked when I saw one of those MASN ads about Jim Riggleman's coaching philosophy. It was the one where he says, "you call it small ball, I call it smart ball." Imagine my surprise when they showed a clip of him putting on the hit-and-run with a very struggling Michael Morse at the plate, and a very slow running Wilson Ramos at first base from last Thursday's game. (Did I mention that Ramos is slow, and that Morse was in a humongous rut at the time?) Anywhoo, Jimmy Riggles put the wheels in motion. Morse struck out, and Ramos was caught stealing by a mile. How did Riggles feel after the play?

Fuckers. Yup, aggressive base-running is fantastic when it works out, but it can make me want to go to Nats Park and leave a note on Jim's car that reads, "So sorry about hitting your car. Unfortunately, I'm broke, and can't help you pay for the repairs" when it doesn't work. (See, cause there wouldn't really be any damage to Jim's car, but he'll be all, "Darnit!" and will look all over his car for the "damage." But there is none! Tee hee! That'll learn 'em to try to play small ball with a guy at the plate hitting .133.)

Livo's return thwarted by his own bullpen.

Well, Livan Hernadez returned last night from his 2.5 year hiatus from the Nationals and threw a pretty good game. He went 6.0 innings giving up 5 hits and 2 runs. He walked 2, but struck out 6. It was a damn good performance.

When he left the game, it was tied 2-2, and with the way the offense hit the night before, I could easily see the Nats winning this game. Unfortunately, the bullpen had other fucking plans.

Bergmann came in and threw the 7th, where he gave up the go ahead run, and eventually earned the loss. (Side rant! Why in the shit does Baseball-reference call him Jay Bergmann? I've never heard anyone call him Jay. Has anyone else? I mean, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong (I'll just delete your comments, though. This ain't America... it's Section 138, dammit!), but I ain't never heard anyone call him Jay.)

And then, just to make sure the game was thoroughly out of reach, Riggles sent in (NO hip-hip) Jorge Sosa. His line? A complete mess. An almost Steven Shellian .1 IP, 4 Hits, 5 ER, 2 BB performance.

But, it was good to see Livan back out there. It brought back some good memories. I just had no idea how old the memories were. Are we talking about 2005, or 1990?? Just who was throwing last night... Livo? Or Vanilla Ice?


Check out them CHILL shaved eyebrows....

And now...




Safe to say... if there was a problem, yo Livo'll solve it. Now check out this hook while his DJ revolves it.