Bryce Harper gets to play with Derek Norris.

Well, it appears the Washington Nationals front office really, really likes Bryce Harper. So much so, in fact, that they skipped him forward a level, choosing to bypass the high-A Potomac Nationals, and sent him directly to the AA Harrisburg Senators. (They did allow him to pass go, however, and also allowed him to collect the $200 for it. Which for Bryce, is like... what he throws at bums while in his GIANT-ASS HOOPTY at intersections.) I cannot tell you how much this move favors Bryce. I mean, the Nats think so highly of him, that they are going to let him play with the man-bot himself, Derek Norris! (DeNo and I go way back, of course.) Bryce and DeNo got together a little before the game, and Harper peppered Derek with all kinds of questions. "What does this guy throw?" "Any hot babes in the crowd tonight ask about me?" "Where can I get super cool laser eyes like you?"* "Can I have your autograph please, Mr. Norris?"

*Derek does, indeed, have super cyborg laser eyes that can tell what pitch is coming, its speed, and its location. It's not recognizable to the naked eye, but if you spend enough time scouting stalking DeNo as I do, you can tell the exact moment he uses them, and can snap a picture if you're quick enough. I caught him in the dugout w/Bryce, using his powers last night:

See that look on Bryce's face? That's the "Whoa, shit goddamn, man!" look. He gets it around DeNo, Ryan Zimmerman, and when he's watching CMT's Biggest Redneck Wedding Ever. (What? He's not a redneck? Shiiiittt, did you even look at that link above about his hoopty?)

So, what happened last night? Well, Bryce did... okay (2-3 2 1B, 1 BB) but DeNo put an absolute ass whipping on the opponent, the Erie SeaWolves. (The what? SeaWolves? I ain't never seen any wolves swimming around in the sea, but... fucking whatever, man.) Derek went 3-4 w/2 HR, 1 2b, and a walk. That is called raking, my friends. And Derek raked till he couldn't rake no more. That'll do, DeNo. That'll do.

(There's also another argument going around that the Nationals didn't want Bryce to play for Potomac because of their field conditions. Apparently the outfield is a swamp that has alligators in it that eats outfielder's legs and shit. Or something. All I know is that it doesn't drain very well, and since it's rained quite a bit lately, the field is often unplayable. If this is the scenario that really happened, well then... Bryce Harper turned to his friend from above for some help.

(Hooray, I'm posting old blog gimmicks again! Do you know where the above picture is from? You don't? Well, then, hooray for today! You're truly lucky, I must say! Click here and waste your time away!)

Sorry about that rhyming above. This is what happens when you have a one-year-old that wants you to read her Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb a gajillion times in a row. I love her to death, but if I recite "Dum Ditty, Dum Ditty, Dum Dum Dum" a few more times, I'm going to snap the next time I hear a drummer. Some poor kid playing some buckets outside the Navy Yard metro station after a Nats game is going to have a skinny white guy attack him like Dmitri Young going after the last bag of Chips Ahoy! in his house. It won;t be pretty, my friends.

Happy Birthday to you, DeNo.

Jeez. I was so busy trying to save my marriage lavishing gifts and praise on my wife this past Monday, that I totally missed one of my best buddies*' birthday. Happy 22nd, Derek Norris!! Love you!! xoxo!
On 2/14/89, the planet was blessed with DeNo's presence. Since then, he's been dominating both baseball fields and awesome meters like no other. Keep on keeping on, homey!
This is the part of my post were I'd usually write some more crappy crap, but I happen to be busy trying to, just... well... survive. Since every second of my time is now devoted to my day job and my 8-month-old, you'll just have to make do reading the archives. Here's three posts about Derek I wrote way back when. Hey, if you haven't read them, they're new to you! And, if you have read them, read them again you ungrateful bastard!

Here's one, here's another, here's yet another still.

*Well, he's really just my imaginary best buddy, but I'd like to become his real life best buddy! So, on the slim chance you read this, DeNo (can I call you DeNo?)...

OMG, CONTACT ME!!1!! My email is totally on the top right of the page!! Maybe you can Tweet me?!? We could be best Twitter buds!!!! ZOMG! TWEET, TWEET, DUDERINO!!

Fare thee well, Mr. Capps

Yesterday Mike Rizzo traded away Matt Capps and $500K to Minnesota for catcher Wilson Ramos and LHP Joe Testa. Now, who Joe Testa is doesn't really matter (cough:24 years old in high A ball:cough), but who Wilson Ramos is does. He was ranked the 42nd prospect in all of baseball coming into this year by Keith Law. That link may be for ESPN Insiders only, so here's a snippet of what Law said.

...when he plays he hits, and he plays a premium position at which bats like his are hard to find. ... he throws extremely well (he's nailed 43 percent of would-be base stealers in the past two years) and his receiving is adequate. ... At the plate, he has strong hands and very good hand-eye coordination, with a hard, line-drive-oriented swing

Now, Derek Norris came into this year ranked ahead of Ramos at #31, but his season so far has been nothing short of disappointing. Derek's power has vanished, but he's still getting on base at an incredible clip (.408). That really doesn't do too much to make his other numbers look good, though (.231 batting average and a .374 slugging percentage). The power loss can hopefully (PLEASE, JESUS PLEASE!) be attributed to the hamate bone surgery he had at the end of last year, as 99% of the players that have surgery there take a full year to regain their power. (Even the Non-Human Zim had his power drop. Those 14 HR in 2008? Yup, the year of his hamate surgery. His HR total the year before was 24, and went up to a career high 33 the year after).
So, Ramos goes to the #1 overall position in the Nats prospects list, and becomes the next catcher. Ramos is better defensively than Norris, as well, so that even frees the Nats up to move Derek if his bat demands he play in the big leagues.
And... Matty Capps? God love him. He throws strikes, and is so damn friendly. He will give the Twins a true closer (a position the Wookie - Jon Rauch - had been trying to fill) and a great shot to win their division. He was our All-Star rep, and leads the league in games finished (43) and is 4th in the league in saves (26). What does that mean? It means that he was due an extremely large raise after this season, and I'm not sure the Nats needed to pay it. He signed a 1 year $3.5MM contract to come here, and my guess is he'll see ~$6MM for next year after arbitration. Why pay Capps that much when we have Drew Storen here to take over the closer role next year? Drew had (and still has) this year to learn in a MLB bullpen, and will even get his feet wet with save opportunities now that Capps is gone. There is no doubt in my mind Storen will come into next year as the closer out of spring training.

Jesus. So sorry for the super duper long serious baseball talk. I had quite a few friends ask me how I felt about the deal and when I told them that I loved the trade, they asked why. So - I wrote this post. Now, let's bid a fond farewell to Matt Capps for his two greatest achievements here in DC - His fucking incredible entrance music (Europe's The Final Countdown) and his fucking incredibly awkward celebration photos. Ladies and Gentlemen... the least photogenic high-fiver of all time...

Mr. Matthew Capps.

Jesus. Is. Dead.

I'm not making that shit up. See... it says so right here:

[Jesus] Flores has a torn labrum, tests revealed this week, and will undergo surgery tomorrow in Birmingham, Ala., to repair it. <....> [The Injury] threatens the Nationals catcher's availability for the start of the 2010 season.

Oh. Okay, so it doesn't say he died, per se... (I'm not sure I used that Latin phrase correctly. I confuse it with "persona non grata" all the time. People use it around me a lot, so it really muddles my Latin.)

Where was I? Oh, yeah... Jesus is dead and buried, and not waking up, nor moving the boulder out the way this time. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I put Jesus out of my thoughts forever. The only way to do so properly, however, is to give the man a decent burial. Farewell, my friend. While you were productive when healthy, you were never healthy. May your bones and muscles rest now, and be no longer tearing or breaking. Though it will be hard, we turn our gaze towards a new shining figure. One clad in battle armor, same as you, yet more... non-breaky. So, as we say goodbye, we also say hello. Welcome, DeNo. Now hurry your ass up. We need you by 2011, dammit.

Ashes to ashes... dust to.... ahh screw it. Just get in the ground, Flores.





Bonus for the folks still reading (you lucky sum bitches!). If you aren't following my Tweets, you missed out on ones like these from last night:

Rumors of a Flores labrum tear floating around...about 17 hours ago from Twittelator

Zuckerman confirms it. Jesus Flores labrum tear. 2010 opening day in jeopardy. Rizzo says it's not related to orig inj. http://bit.ly/QTgPpabout 17 hours ago from TweetDeck

I can't believe I didn't break Flores' hand when I shook it the few times I did. That guy goes down more than a hooker on pay day. #barbaro2 about 17 hours ago from TweetDeck

Oh, and this one from this morning. (Pony up, cheap skates!)

Ian's baseball-reference sponsorship price keeps dropping. Down from $95 to $45. Who has $45 for me? No one? C'mon, dammit!! ::pouting::about 4 hours ago from TweetDeck

See? I even try and break some news once in a while. I suck at it, but I try!

Nats knocked out of the playoffs, the AFL, and more Dibble hate.

Well, folks... with yesterday's Nats loss and last night's SF Giants win, the Nats were officially knocked out of the playoff race. Crushing, I know. But hey... at least you can spend the money you were saving to use on the 2009 playoff tickets now! Maybe buy one of these?


Yes indeed. That marvelous picture, signed by that Soup Nazi guy himself, can be yours for only $199.95 (plus shipping and handling). Congrats on that investment!

(Is that signature the actors name, or is it the Soup Nazi character's name in the show??)

I have no excuses for not posting this week. I was just lazy. Pure and simple. L-A-Z-Y. Maybe it's the three day weekend that's coming up? Who knows? All I know is that I'm forgetting this week when I have to fill out by self performance review later this month. (Actually, I'm just gonna cut and paste last year's self review into this one. But... shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!)

Two things that I really did want to write about where the September call ups (the active roster's get expanded from the regular 25 up to as many as 40), and the Arizona Fall League. But you know what? Yup... you got it. I'm a lazy bastard, so you'll get a half-assed effort on one of them, and like it.

I'm gonna pick the Arizona Fall League (known as the AFL from here on out, cause... again.. I'm lazy), so you're on your own with the call ups. But.. I will throw out Brian Oliver's post on the subject, which is a must read, as most of his stuff is. All I know is, since they called up Detwiler in 2007, they better call up Drew Storen. Drew signed early, has motored up the ladder, AND he's gonna throw in the AFL, so he deserves it. (He's also rooming with the 6'8" Jesse Estrada. And anyone rooming with a giant is certainly taking one for the team. I mean... aren't giants cannibals, and shit? What happens if Jesse gets hungry in the middle of the night? Is he gonna walk to the kitchen, or is he just gonna chew some fingers off the hand of the dude next to him? They're like Vienna Sausages to him.)

I got married last October (10/18, actually. Please feel free to send Anniversary gifts. My email's on the top right of the page. The wife appreciates it.) in the wonderful city of Phoenix, AZ. My wife's family is from there, and my parents have moved to Tucson, about 2 hours away. It was a wonderful time (even though it topped 90 degrees on the wedding day. I barley noticed, though, as I was so god damn petrified excited.), but I do have one regret. You see, watching an AFL Nats game was on my to do list. I really wanted to check out Ian Desmond and Ross Detwiler, specifically, but really root for all the kids in the Nats organization. Bill Rhinehart is a U of Arizona guy, too, so that would have been cool. (My wife and my dad graduated from there.)

But, it didn't come to be. I was either too busy with the rehearsal, or making sure all my friends made it okay, or getting everything situated. There was one person who I invited to the wedding that did make it to a game or two, though. (You know that one person that always brings up the thing you missed out on whenever he can? Sure enough, every time Ross Detwiler started for the Nats this year, I seemed to find myself at the same bar as my friend. Sure enough, as soon as Ross was introduced on the TV, my friend would always say, "You know, I saw him throw in the AFL last year. Hey, weren't you supposed top be there?") To this day, it's the only thing I wish I could do over again from my entire wedding experience. (Well, that and getting a lil' teary eyed when I saw my wife in her dress walking up the aisle. Thank the Lord I had my best man (and best brother) with me, who promptly put his knee in my leg and said, "man the fuck up.")

Jesus I just rambled on there, didn't I? My bad! Moral of the story... if you have the opportunity to make it out to the AFL, do it. Especially this year with Drew, Strasburg, Danny Espinosa, Chris Marrero, and Derek Norris on the roster. That's a fucking stacked team right there. If I didn't already have plans in Charlotte, NC, I'd be there in a heart beat.

And real quick, I wanted to link again to a great Kevin Reiss post. All of the post is great, but he's 108% spot on about Rob Dibble. I think he finally put his finger on just what it is about Dibble that irritates people to the point of shoving objects into their ears. And so... I dedicate this next video to Kevin, and all you Dibble sufferers out there. May peace be with you poor, poor bastards.

Rob "niiiiiiiiiice" Dibble from Section 138 on Vimeo.

It's at eight, and ain't it great! (Well, no, it's not actually.)

I racked my brain for about 35 minutes trying to come up with the cheesiest post title ever. You're all so very, very welcome.

Those damn Nats just don't know what it means to lose, as them stubborn bastards have reeled of eight wins in a row.

That's the good news. The bad news? ZNN's arm may need to be amputated, DeNo went 0-8 at the plate over the weekend, and SOCKS of DOOM! (or is it El Drew K?) walked another batter on Saturday.

I've never seen so many things go the opposite way that they should. Up is down. East is West. Right is left. The Master of Disguise is funny. I'm sober. My cats are taking this just fine.



Sorry about that. I'm super crazy busy at work, and kinda mailed that in, didn't I? I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you guys soon, I swear! Until then, feel free to read one of the best written pieces I've seen in a while. Hats off, Brian. Now, if only the waiver claim were true.

Ain't no stopping Derek Norris now.

(Everyone who read that speech bubble in their head with the Professor's voice raise your hand. It's okay... I did it too.)

So, Brian Oliver broke it on his Twitter feed early this morning, and confirmed it on his blog a tad later. What is it, you ask?

Promotion News: The Nationals are reportedly going to promote CA Sean Rooney from Potomac to Harrisburg and CA Derek Norris from Hagerstown to Potomac.

How you like them fucking apples? DeNo (Derek's nickname that we gave him, right? Right!?) has been like Michael Jackson's hair in that Pepsi commercial all year, and I hyped him up just last week, so you guys know him well. This news is only kinda surprising in that I can't believe they didn't send him to AA Harrisburg. The catchers there have lines of .184/.273/.327 (Luke Montz) and .145/.333/.242 (Javi Herrera). But... the Nats want him to be the everyday guy in Potomac (Advanced A), while Sean Rooney is booting Javi Herrera from the Harrisburg roster. I can live with that. Derek will surely rip through Potomac like he did all his other leagues. Who knows, Jesus Flores could be backing him up in the bigs as soon as late next year. (Did I hear someone say, "Who?" Jesus Flores, that's who. You know... the guy who starts for the Nats when healthy? You forgot him already? ::sigh::)

So, I thought it was time to do a seriously scientific evaluation of the prospects in all of Major League baseball right now and see how Derek is looking. This graph below illustrates my findings.


As you can plainly see, DeNo is head and shoulders above everyone else in organized ball. Hell, he might even get called up to be Strasburg's personal catcher when Stras signs! (Okay, yes... I may be a delusional Nats fanatic, but I do realize Derek is only 20, and won't turn 21 until 2010. And... no, he won't be making the big club any time soon. See? I may be delusional, but I'm not insane.) My hearty congrats go out to DeNo. I may even go over to Potomac and buy that young man a beer or two. Of course... since he's underage, we would have to go somewhere super secret to drink said beers. Like... one of those windowless cargo vans.

(My editor highly recommended I retract that last sentence in case, God forbid, Derek actually gets abducted by someone. I told him that since I'm following DeNo 24 hours a day that there's nothing to worry about, as I would surely step in and stop such an abduction attempt, thus becoming DeNo's hero. And we would become BFFs and hang out all the time. And watch movies together, and play catch, and talk about girls and stuff. Actually... is there anyone out there willing to "pose" as an "attempted kidnapper?" Let me know!)

So, yeah. Go DeNo! Woo-hoo!

P.S. I'm still not ready to talk about Manny. I will just say that I was mildly shocked when I read this article. In it, it explains some of Manny's teaching tools, one of which included handing out SELF-FUCKING-HELP books. I shit you not. Apparently Manny didn't learn from reading about the likes of Stengel, McGraw, and McCarthy. No, he learned by reading Tony Robbins, Dr. Phil and that "Chicken Soup For the Soul" fucker. Gah!

The man, the myth, the (possibly) machine... Mr. Derek Norris.

So what? Maybe he was sent from the future to destroy baseball as we know it. You know what, though? Fuck it. I'm gonna enjoy the ride.


Yes, my friends, it's our hero... Derek Norris. Look at how smiley he is! (And a real smiley, as opposed to that fake ass 49 year old from the Dominican Republic, Alvarez.)

It might be hard to believe, judging from his friendly mug up there, but Derek Norris is a FUCKING SOLDIER! Since being drafted by the Nats in the 4th round of the 07 draft, Derek (Who needs a nickname, btw. Let's see... how about Dino (like from the Flinstones), only it's spelled DeNo? Works for me.) started tearing shit up, and hasn't stopped since. It's really no wonder, as he was named the Kansas Baseball Player of the Year by some magazine in 2007.

There are some that say they witnessed DeNo's powers while he was attending Goddard High School. (Noted alumni - Logan Watkins and Travis Banwart. Wait... seriously? Who the fuck are they? Nice job, Wikipedia!) He would hit 800 foot home runs and throw out 13 runners from his knees often. He would also drink motor oil and lift the couch while he vacuumed under it. He spoke 17 languages fluently and always knew what color underwear Debbie Carruthers (the head cheerleader) was wearing. (He also knew what color underwear Cherry LaRue -the head slut- was wearing. Well... evey guy in school knew that, actually, so forget I mentioned it.)

His first stop devastating rival pitchers was for the GCL Nationals. There he went 2 for 4 with 2 doubles in his very first game. For 2008 the Nats sent him to the Vermont Lake Monsters of the short season New York Penn league. That's when people discovered this dude just might not be mortal. His line for 08? .278/.444/.463 10 HR and 38 RBI in 70 games. Oh, in those 70 games, he walked 63 times. The guy has the patience of my dog stalking a bird (which is a really long time, I swear!) and the eye of a sober guy (opposite Cristian Guzman, who has the eye of a drunk as shit dude on a Saturday night at the local watering hole. We all know that guy. In fact, I saw him hit on a guide dog once).

He collected all kinds of awards in 2008 including being named the Sept 4th NYP player of the week, a NYP League Mid-Season All-Star, a Baseball America Short Season All-Star, and the Topps Short Season/Rookie All-Star squad. He was also instructed to 'advance to Go and collect $200.'

This year, he's been balling up in Hagerstown, and doing one helluva job. He's hitting .317/.410/.583 with an OPS of .993, 18 HR and 60 RBI through 78 games. He's also thrown out 40% of base stealers in 07-09. He has already been named Sally League player of the week this year, made the Sally League All-Star game, and leads the team in (take a deep breath...) hits, doubles, HR, RBI, walks, BA, OBP, SLG, OPS, and total bases. All of that allows him to be first, in the entire fucking league, in HR, RBI, total bases, and second in OPS and hits.

And last but not least, he's 6 feet tall and weighs in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chiseled, and jackkkkkkkkkkked 210 lbs, and is one damn fine handsome man (sayeth the ladies).



All of which, in the end, is a really, really good thing, since we're relying on Jesus Flores to be the catcher of the future. With the amount of time he's missed with injury last year and this, I'm fully expecting him to miss the entire 2010 year. (Guesses on the next injury, anyone? Holes in the hands and feet? Lacerated scalp? Some object piercing his side?)