Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The man, the myth, the (possibly) machine... Mr. Derek Norris.

So what? Maybe he was sent from the future to destroy baseball as we know it. You know what, though? Fuck it. I'm gonna enjoy the ride.

Yes, my friends, it's our hero... Derek Norris. Look at how smiley he is! (And a real smiley, as opposed to that fake ass 49 year old from the Dominican Republic, Alvarez.)

It might be hard to believe, judging from his friendly mug up there, but Derek Norris is a FUCKING SOLDIER! Since being drafted by the Nats in the 4th round of the 07 draft, Derek (Who needs a nickname, btw. Let's see... how about Dino (like from the Flinstones), only it's spelled DeNo? Works for me.) started tearing shit up, and hasn't stopped since. It's really no wonder, as he was named the Kansas Baseball Player of the Year by some magazine in 2007.

There are some that say they witnessed DeNo's powers while he was attending Goddard High School. (Noted alumni - Logan Watkins and Travis Banwart. Wait... seriously? Who the fuck are they? Nice job, Wikipedia!) He would hit 800 foot home runs and throw out 13 runners from his knees often. He would also drink motor oil and lift the couch while he vacuumed under it. He spoke 17 languages fluently and always knew what color underwear Debbie Carruthers (the head cheerleader) was wearing. (He also knew what color underwear Cherry LaRue -the head slut- was wearing. Well... evey guy in school knew that, actually, so forget I mentioned it.)

His first stop devastating rival pitchers was for the GCL Nationals. There he went 2 for 4 with 2 doubles in his very first game. For 2008 the Nats sent him to the Vermont Lake Monsters of the short season New York Penn league. That's when people discovered this dude just might not be mortal. His line for 08? .278/.444/.463 10 HR and 38 RBI in 70 games. Oh, in those 70 games, he walked 63 times. The guy has the patience of my dog stalking a bird (which is a really long time, I swear!) and the eye of a sober guy (opposite Cristian Guzman, who has the eye of a drunk as shit dude on a Saturday night at the local watering hole. We all know that guy. In fact, I saw him hit on a guide dog once).

He collected all kinds of awards in 2008 including being named the Sept 4th NYP player of the week, a NYP League Mid-Season All-Star, a Baseball America Short Season All-Star, and the Topps Short Season/Rookie All-Star squad. He was also instructed to 'advance to Go and collect $200.'

This year, he's been balling up in Hagerstown, and doing one helluva job. He's hitting .317/.410/.583 with an OPS of .993, 18 HR and 60 RBI through 78 games. He's also thrown out 40% of base stealers in 07-09. He has already been named Sally League player of the week this year, made the Sally League All-Star game, and leads the team in (take a deep breath...) hits, doubles, HR, RBI, walks, BA, OBP, SLG, OPS, and total bases. All of that allows him to be first, in the entire fucking league, in HR, RBI, total bases, and second in OPS and hits.

And last but not least, he's 6 feet tall and weighs in at a slim, trim, buff, cut, ripped, chiseled, and jackkkkkkkkkkked 210 lbs, and is one damn fine handsome man (sayeth the ladies).

All of which, in the end, is a really, really good thing, since we're relying on Jesus Flores to be the catcher of the future. With the amount of time he's missed with injury last year and this, I'm fully expecting him to miss the entire 2010 year. (Guesses on the next injury, anyone? Holes in the hands and feet? Lacerated scalp? Some object piercing his side?)


The Doctor said...

Derek "Your girlfriend has him on her speed-dial because she loves the way he Star 69s her" Norris!

Rob Birch said...

Actually, Cherry LaRue never wore underwear. How about "Chip off the old Chuck" Norris, or written-out as COCK Norris.

Sasskuash said...

Nickname: Facts. Named after the "Chuck Norris Facts" websites. With this nickname, you have to insert a "fact" about him anytime you say his name/nickname. For example:

"Derek 'Facts' Norris, who once stopped a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick with his bare hands, ripped off the leg and beat Chuck Norris unconscious with his own leg, went 4-4 with 4 grand slams and 5 walks last night. And that was just the first inning."

Section 138 said...

DeNo did hit 2 HRs last night.

I unequivocally say no to Rob's idea.

Sass could be onto something, however...

Rob Birch said...

Whatever, just another reason why you don't have more stars.