Jayson Werth explores his new home

The Nats PR department's Twitter account put out a wonderful shot of Nats Park with a dusting of snow on the ground today. It really is quite beautiful, as you can see.


The Nats PR department also mentioned that Jayson Werth would be cruising around the stadium today, getting used to the place he'll be spending 81 games in this upcoming year.

Wait a minute... What's that thing in right field? Is that... Is that Jayson??

ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

Yes, yes it is Jayson. Hey, Jayson... you might want to Febreze® around there while you're at it. You certainly don't want the shitty stink of Cristian Guzman and Willy Tavares hanging around. (I must have completely erased those two playing that position completely from my mind, cause it took baseball-reference to remind me. God bless my brain. It was only trying to protect me.)

The hairy Muppet lands at Nats Park.

UPDATE: While I wrote this post yesterday, I held off on posting it until today... for some reason. Well, overnight Mr. Werth visited the Wizards game and was caught on camera sans beard!!1!! I'm still publishing this post, though, dammit. I'm a lazy dude, and if I spend this much time on something, you have to suffer through it too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, by now you have all heard about the huge contract given to Jayson Werth so that he can patrol RF in Nats Park for ever two years until Bryce Harper is ready. After that? LF, maybe? Who the hell really knows. All that is known at this point is that Rizzo threw a shit ton of cash at the hairy Muppet, and he'll presumably be playing right in front of me in Section 138. So it is with this post that I say to him, "Hi there! Can't wait to see you patrolling RF, as I've always been impressed by your play there at Nats Park. (Even if it was as a stinkin Phillie.)"

Now, there's only really two questions to be answered... 1) Will he keep the beard, and 2) What number will he wear?
If he does have to lose the beard, as Rizzo sort of hints at here, it'll be hard to adjust to him. I mean, let's face it, dude is one hairy guy. In fact, the top three google image searches for Jayson Werth are these three:



We'll see if Werth can conform to Rizzo's "professionally groomed" rule. (Whatever the hell that means.)

As for number 2, I came across this tidbit in a Ken Rosenthal piece the other day.

"In addition, Werth's contract stipulates that the Nationals award him No. 28, his number with the Phillies."

So, Jayson will get to keep his 28, and Michael Morse will wear... well, some other number. [Update #2: This tweet came out last night and states Michael will wear 38.] The big question is, how did it go down? Well, as it always seems to happen, I was actually there while it was being discussed, and witnessed it all myself! Here's what happened.

When Werth asked for 28, Rizzo hesitated a second to ponder poor Michael. And, at that very moment, Jayson got up and screamed, "This is not negotiable!" and started to walk away from the bargaining table, only for Rizzo to stammer out, "Jayson, wait! Just.. wait. Fuck Michael Morse. 28 is all yours, dammit. In fact, Michael lives right next to this very building that we're negotiating in! Let's go next door to give him the news!"

At that point they went to Morse's house and rang the doorbell. I took a picture to capture the moment...


Michael got all flustered, and said, "I'm calling Mr. Rizzo, dude! You can't just take my number, man!" And then, to his disappointment, Mike Rizzo came out of the shadows and took Jayson's side on the issue...

Sorry Mikey. It looks like Rizzo is 100% behind the beard The Contract®. Maybe you can get Mr. Werth to throw you a dollar or two or eleven million for your sacrifice?

(And, yes, since Werth has shaved the beard, I am know changing my nickname of him from "The Hairy Muppet" to "The Contract®." Feel free to push it on every human being you interact with.)

So long, Adam.

Well, I had this post written up last week, but was working on the crappy ass photoshops, and lost track of time. Next thing you know, the Nats go all BIZZARO on us and throw $126 GOD DAMN million dollars at the hairy muppet Jayson Werth, and this post becomes (kind of) moot.

Screw it, I'm posting this anyway, dammit.

So long, Mr. Dunn. You chose to sign with the Chicago White Sox for 4 years and$56MM. I can't say I blame you, as the Nats never went higher than 3 years and ~$35MM. I know how important that fourth year was for you, and good on you for getting it.

I can't say I'll miss screaming at you for taking the walk over hitting a sacrifice fly, but I will miss your personality. You kept it light, and always, always made it seem like you were having fun. In fact, one of my favorite moments of last year was your waving to Josh Willingham for a job well done after he drove in a run with a single.

Wait... who's that in the corner sticking his head into my gif, dammit? ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

Oh, it's Ryan Zimemrman, who said pretty much everything besides "Let Dunn go, and I'm outtie, bro" to Mike Rizzo this year. I actually had a sit down with Ryan right after Dunn signed with the White Sox and reminded him about Adam's... less than spectacular performance in one area. Nope, not his strikeouts. Nope, not his drop in OBP this year. Nope, not even his fielding. I reminded him about...



"Oh yeah," Ryan said. "I forgot I used to ask him 74 times a game to keep his fucking gum in his fucking mouth. I swear, with all the dirt and insects that stuck to his gum, his mouth was as filthy as Chase Utley."

And no one, I mean NO ONE, likes to be reminded of Chase Utley.

Danny Espinosa, you big lug.

So, Danny Espinosa is playing winter ball in Puerto Rico this year (Cause let's face it, real men play ball ALL. YEAR. LONG.) and happened to have himself a pretty good game last night.The line from the box score?

5 plate appearances. BB, 1B, 2B, 3B, HR, 4 RBI.

Yay, it's the cycle! One of the most random baseball stats around. But don't let its randomness confuse you into thinking it's not pure awesomeness, however, cause it sure as shit is. He hit the HR first, then added the triple, then walked. When he came up to bat for the fourth time, the pitcher was all:

Which was a pretty appropriate reaction, as Espi was raking last night, and hit a double in that at bat, and finished it off with a single in his last plate appearance. That's man style right there. Hit the big balls for the kiddies in case they gotta leave before the game is over. (He's a fucking philanthropist on top of everything else, you know.)

Any-who, Espi rules and his opponents drool. It's getting to be old hat at this point. Be prepared for him to hit .375/.520/.780 next year, folks. And win a Gold Glove. And save a kid from choking on a hot dog in the 7th inning stretch. All in a season's work, ya know?

P.S. In case you were wondering, gingerbread men do not make natural actors. I had that one gingerbread man above try that "scared face" on his own, and it came out worse than Chase Utley trying to act modest. Fakest expression ever. So, I snapped a pic of his regular face, then got the scared shot by giving him some motivation. That motivation was simply to put him in the most terrifying situation the little guy could ever be in:



I almost feel bad for the little man, but nature is nature, and Meat Hook was gonna eat him eventually. Might as well make it a good photo opportunity.

PPS. Danny is playing for the "Leones de Ponce" in the Puerto Rican League. If your Spanish is as horrible as mine, you pronounce it "Leonces day Ponces", which is cool cause it rhymes, and you can pretend all the team names in that league rhyme. And a league of all rhyming named teams makes me smile for some reason.

Collin Balester's moustache is back

If you're not following Collin Balester on Twitter, then you might not know about a cause he's pimping. You see, he's the captain of a team named "Bally's Staches" over at us.movember.com. What exactly is Movember? Well, they have a FAQ here, and best I can tell, it's a charity event aimed at raising money and awareness for cancers that men are faced with. Guys are growing moustaches for the month of November, which is whimsically renamed Movember. All funds raised go to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and LiveStrong. You can donate money directly to Collin, or the team. You can even join Collin's team and raise money yourself, all the while raising the total amount that Bally's Staches' raises.

Folks who read this blog know that I'm not a very serious guy. I write irreverent posts that poke fun at people and myself. I like to make crappy photoshops and stupid videos for the most part. But, here's one fact that blew my mind when I found it out. (Even more-so than when I found out Wil Nieves was still getting paid after Wilson Ramos was called up. Call the cops, it's a robbery! ) If a man lives long enough, he will develop prostate cancer. Autopsy studies have shown that 30% of men in their 50s had prostate cancer, and 80% of men in their 70s had it. So, kudos to Collin for bringing attention to it.

Now that the serious shit is over, I can get to the entire reason for writing this post. (Well, besides the whole cancer bit.) I present to you an awesome gif that I found randomly on the interwebs that I have mangled with my inferior graphic skills. It's entitled "Moustaches Make a Difference."

(For the record, my pictures would show me without a moustache and the label "Generic White Guy", while my with moustache label would be something like "Generic Creepy White guy." (Think David Spade.) I can grow some lip fuzz, but it's pretty thin and very light. That's why, if I need to sport one, I just do the old finger moustache. You look super cool, and build your arm muscles up since you have to hold that position for hours (even days!) on end.)

Oh, if you'd like to see the pictures in the animated gif one by one, you can see them here. You can actually break down any gif that way, if you'd like. (Free tips, folks! GOD DAMN, I'M GENEROUS AND AWESOME!)