Uh... hey, Amigo... That's not what really happened.

(Please allow me to repeat myself here, as I believe I've written this same sentiment here and here. What can I say? I like to rip on Carp.)

Dear Bob Carpenter... It's been a while since I've felt the need to call you out on something you did. Sure, I've wanted to, but didn't think I had to. But during last night's 2-1 win over the smelly Mets (and their smelly fans) you really ground my gears.

It was the bottom of the fifth inning and Ian Desmond was up. I was on the couch at the time, but didn't have my eyeballs actually pointed at the TV. I think I was making stupid goo-goo sounds at my totally awesome baby (They're just like real people, only smaller!!) ... or maybe I was solving some world renowned "unbeatable" math equation... I forget. Anyway, I'm in the middle of carrying the two to the fifth power or some shit when I hear Bob get all excited like. I hear the familiar call of his:

"See. You. Later."

"Weeeeee!" I thought to myself. "I love me some Ian Desmond." (I was also thinking, "I hope he would one day like to meet me and shake my hand cause I'm awesome, and my hands feel like silk.") And then... BOOM... right there in the middle of my day dream (the part where Ian is complimenting me on my fine choice of lunch meat (honey ham) and asking me if I would like to try on his puffy jacket (its interior is lined with the feathers of a Pegasus)) Bob blurts out (wait for it...)

"My bad. The ball is still in play."

I shit you not, folks. He actually said that! Look, here's the clip.

Bobby be dum dum. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Can you fucking believe it? I mean... the only thing the dude has to do it call what he actually fucking sees as it actually fucking happens. His job does not require him to see into the fucking future, or to take random goddamn guesses as what's about to occur. But, what does he do? That's right... he calls the play early, and destroys my bromance with Ian.

Now, skip to bottom of the ninth. The score is tied 1-1, and Ryan Zimmerman is up with the bases loaded and one out. The pitch comes in, Ryan swings, and guess what the fuck Bob says*!!

Way to go, Bobby Carpenter. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Argh!! Can you believe it? What a MAROON!

*Is not actually what Bob said. In reality he said... well, I don't remember what exactly he said, but I bet it was something stupid. Like... "Don't forget to buy your official Bob Carpenter score book." Goddamn shill. That guy takes, like, every opportunity he gets to try and force some crappy product on us. I don't care what t-shirts scoring accessory you have, Section 138 dude Bob, I'm not interested. Gah!

What I learned watching the World Cup

So, I'm home with the wife and new baby (Kaitlyn Hannah- born last Thursday, June 10th, which is the same day Matty fucking Chico was born!!!!1!!1!!!eleven!!) and have been watching most of the three World Cup games shown each day. I've learned a lot, especially about the rules and how the referees call fouls. Which is - they don't. Seriously. When they call a foul, they don't have to say who committed the foul, nor do they have to say what the fuck the foul even was! (Joe West is salivating at this and is seriously considering a job change.)
I also learned that Portugal's Cristiano Ronaldo is the A.J. Pierzynski of soccer. He whines, cries, pouts, antagonizes, torments, molests, badgers, bully-rags, grates, irks, besets, and ruffles his opponents. He also dives like nobody's business. I mean, MY GOD! Check out this play that I recorded directly off the TV during the Portugal vs Ivory Coast game on Tuesday:

Fucking unbelievable.

On a totally unrelated note, how bout you cheap bastards visit a brother's spreadshirt shop and buy some goddamn shirts! I've got a new design up in honor of the guy playing some crazy defense at shortstop, Mr. Ian "Hee-Sop" Desmond. Check it:


I also have a couple other shirts up that I haven't posted. Have you checked out the shop and seen them? Yeah, you did? Sweet! Now, how come you didn't buy one? (Insert crying picture here as you have driven me to tears. Sniff.) For those that haven't checked out my sweet ass shop, here's another never before blogged item. Behold the goodness that is the El Drew K Crew and their blatant disregard for the law!


Those rebels! If they're not careful, the could end up in the clink next to other famous revolutionaries. Like... well, shit. I don't know any off the top of my head, but I bet there's a shit ton in North Korean prisons. (Did I just compare fans of Drew Storen to people locked up for standing up to a communist dictatorship? Fuck no!)

Alright. My shilling is done. Now, how about Johnny Lannan going out and getting us a win today - my very first Father's Day? That would be sweet! (You know what else is sweet? This kick ass shirt from this kick ass spreadshirt that my daughter got me for Father's Day! /Yanked off stage by The Sandman while screaming, "Just one more chance! Please!")

Hey, Lastings... (snicker)

Hi! I'm a little late posting this because I went to the hospital on Wednesday morning for the birth of my daughter. I'm back now, though, and as they say... better late than not doing it in any amount of time. (Or something like that.)

Anyway, daughter, hospital, best moment of my life, blah blah blah... let's talk some EXTREME HUMILIATION!

What was the best part of Strasburg's first start? Without a doubt, it was his strikeout of LOLastings Milledge. Complete with a curve ball that had LOLastings' knees buckling. (Hmmm... I seem to remember him taking part in a rap video in the past with a title foreshadowing this *exact* moment. Oh yeah, here it is. Clickie and enjoy.)

Now, without further ado, I do my best to humiliate LOLastings in no less than three file formats. Enjoy! (I've wanted to use the Wilhelm scream for years in this blog. I finally got the chance.)

In 30 second video form (looping the same 1.5 seconds all the time):

LOLastings Milledge. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Lastings dives out of the way of a... strike, right down the middle, screaming all the time.

In gif form:

And, finally, a link to the YTMND.com flash post, which you can watch for 72 hours in a row, if you like.

http://lolastings.ytmnd.com/

About that Berkman "check swing"...

Why yes... I do realize I'm late on this post. Give me a break, I'm busy lazy.
So, I prolly don't have to re-hash the events of the game. You can go here or here to find out that Matt Capps had Lance Berkman (Tony!!) at a two strike count and two outs when he threw a fastball on the outside part of the plate. Berkman swung at it, and missed.

Only the third base umpire said he didn't swing. He said Lance checked his swing. Here's a gif showing the swing from three angles so you can see what the third base umpire couldn't.

Now, shit shouldn't be this hard, should it? Seems like a simple "yup, he swung" to me. But then again, what the hell do I know? Let's ask Jim Riggleman...

Hey, Jim! Jim! Don't I possess an incredible amount of baseball knowledge? Enough that you regularly call me for my sage advice?

Oh, fuck you, Jim! How are you gonna call me out like that in front of all (three) of my friends? That's cold, dude. Just for that, I'm not gonna make a sweet ass t-shirt designed with you in mind!

What's that, guys? You want to know more about sweet ass t-shirts designed with Nationals in mind? Say no more! Just head on over to this kick butt spreadshirt store and buy a bunch of each model.

In fact, a new shirt debuted today. (And, actually, is the reason for me pushing this post back a day. Didn't really seem like yesterday was the best day to pimp a closer's shirt. You know.. with the loss and all...) Yup, get ready to have your wallets "Open up and say ... Ahh!" to this sweet bitch of a shirt:



That's right, kiddos, you too can own your very own shirt based on the song Matty Capps comes out to when dominating doods! I mean, look at the font! That's used by the band!!1!! Now, THAT is paying attention to details!!111!11 I also hear there's other colors over there.

Now, c'mon... do me a favor. Buy some shirts. I have a daughter coming into this world any day now. You want her with no shoes on her feet? That's right, folks. Her shoe money come's from the shirt money. Hope you sleep well knowing that there are rusty nails and broken glass just begging to plunge themselves into an infant's tender, soft, fresh skin.

/sniff

Goggles with the shoe shine duties.

So, my wife's mother bought us this bad-ass video camera for a gift so that we could film the new baby saying "goo-goo" and crying and stuff. Really, really cool camera, too. Takes full 1080p recordings, 20x optical zoom, all kinds of good shit. Except... well... I can't do shit with videos except upload them to YouTube. I can't tell you how frustrating this is. The camera records in .mts format, and none of the video editors that I have can handle .mts. I also can't find a decent shareware video converter that can convert it to something that my video editors can handle and keep the quality. The only thing my huge neanderthal brain can do is push the big red "YouTube" button on the camera while it's attached to my laptop to upload it directly to YouTube. In its entirety. With no edits.
Why the hell am I ranting? Because, I took the camera out for the first time this past Sunday and took some video of the Sunday shoe shine ritual that takes place in the Nats bullpen. The video I ended up with looks stunningly good during playback on the camera, and pretty damn great on YouTube, even. (Original upload here.) What does not look any where near halfway decent, however, is the shit I am able to edit with. You end up with the piece of crap video below that I threw together while cursing all of humanity. Enjoy!



So, yeah. Sorry for the digression from baseball. Back to baseball, and more specifically - Mr. Goggles himself - Tyler Clippard. I had an idea for a graphic I wanted to make with him and his funky delivery. His silhouette is noticeable a mile away, and I wanted to make some cartoony graphic about it, not knowing what to do with the graphic once done. Well, I had messed around with a "Viva El Drew K!" shirt a couple weeks back, and someone said the Goggles graphic I made would look good on a t-shirt. So. With that said, I now whore myself out to all of you good folks. Now how about your cheap asses purchase a shirt? Or seven? Great. Thanks. Here's what it looks like, along with a link to the spreadshirt store. There are other colors there, and if anyone wants any of the two printed colors changed, I can do that on demand.


There's also the El Drew K shirt there, and I have a few more designs in mind. I appreciate you allowing me to push crappy products upon you, btw. You's good peeps.

Now, can anyone tell me where to send a going away present to Brian Bruney? Oh, can you also recommend a carrier that doesn't mind delivering packages that smell like rotting garbage? Thanks!