Happy Birthday to you, DeNo.

Jeez. I was so busy trying to save my marriage lavishing gifts and praise on my wife this past Monday, that I totally missed one of my best buddies*' birthday. Happy 22nd, Derek Norris!! Love you!! xoxo!
On 2/14/89, the planet was blessed with DeNo's presence. Since then, he's been dominating both baseball fields and awesome meters like no other. Keep on keeping on, homey!
This is the part of my post were I'd usually write some more crappy crap, but I happen to be busy trying to, just... well... survive. Since every second of my time is now devoted to my day job and my 8-month-old, you'll just have to make do reading the archives. Here's three posts about Derek I wrote way back when. Hey, if you haven't read them, they're new to you! And, if you have read them, read them again you ungrateful bastard!

Here's one, here's another, here's yet another still.

*Well, he's really just my imaginary best buddy, but I'd like to become his real life best buddy! So, on the slim chance you read this, DeNo (can I call you DeNo?)...

OMG, CONTACT ME!!1!! My email is totally on the top right of the page!! Maybe you can Tweet me?!? We could be best Twitter buds!!!! ZOMG! TWEET, TWEET, DUDERINO!!

Mediocrity comes to first base!

Well, the Nationals signed Adam LaRoche to man first base for them yesterday. The deal will pay Adam $7MM for 2010 and $8MM for 2011 with a mutual option (at $10MM) for a third year, but there is a Nats buyout of that third year for $1MM available.
When the news came out it was greeted by Nats Nation with a loud and boisterous response, one that was voiced exactly the same by my cat.



Everyone's complaint seems to be that Adam is just, well... average. Here's a clip from Boswell's column on the signing:

The Nats paid full price - at least. For a first baseman who has averaged 26 homers and 89 RBI the past five years - almost exactly the MLB average for the position - they gave a two-year deal for $15 million, plus a $1 million buyout on a third year at $10 million.

Well then! Ouchies! Yikes! But you know what (and someone on my twitter feed mentioned last night but can't find this morning)... That means we still got the 15th best first baseman in the major leagues. I know what LaRoche must be thinking, "What am I, chopped liver?" (Okay, big lie right there. He's actually thinking about all the sweet shit he's gonna get with his $16MM in guaranteed money. In fact, I'm pretty sure he's contemplating shit like a wet bar for his master bedroom bath.)

So, it could have been worse. There are about 15 teams out there, in fact, that have had/will have a worse first baseman than LaRoche. (And since statistics went 3,000 feet over my head, I know I'm probably confusing average with mean and median. To those of you scoffing at me for marginalizing the terms... my bad!)

For the record, I'm fine with the signing.

Now, let's move on to more salacious news. The Twitter feud between Collin Balester and Joel Hanrahan has heated up again. Remember last year when Joel called Collin a big fat nerdy-nerd? Well, this time it was Collin calling Joel names.

We get a tweet from Joel, who's spending his day on a golf course, and had some issues with his mode of transportation.



Ugh. The poor dude's golf cart broke down! Oh Noes!!1

Bally (obviously still steaming from last years tweet beat down) comes back strong with this, though.



Damn! He said Joel so fat, he gotta have a lifeguard for his cereal bowl!!! ! Zing! He said Joel so fat, he gotta put on his belt with a boomerang!!! Snap! He said Joel so fat, he has a much higher likelihood of dying from a heart related disease!!! Oh no he didn...

Wait. Wow. Well, Collin, that's just plan morbid. Way to ruin a string of good jokes, pal....

Jayson Werth explores his new home

The Nats PR department's Twitter account put out a wonderful shot of Nats Park with a dusting of snow on the ground today. It really is quite beautiful, as you can see.


The Nats PR department also mentioned that Jayson Werth would be cruising around the stadium today, getting used to the place he'll be spending 81 games in this upcoming year.

Wait a minute... What's that thing in right field? Is that... Is that Jayson??

ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

Yes, yes it is Jayson. Hey, Jayson... you might want to Febreze® around there while you're at it. You certainly don't want the shitty stink of Cristian Guzman and Willy Tavares hanging around. (I must have completely erased those two playing that position completely from my mind, cause it took baseball-reference to remind me. God bless my brain. It was only trying to protect me.)

The hairy Muppet lands at Nats Park.

UPDATE: While I wrote this post yesterday, I held off on posting it until today... for some reason. Well, overnight Mr. Werth visited the Wizards game and was caught on camera sans beard!!1!! I'm still publishing this post, though, dammit. I'm a lazy dude, and if I spend this much time on something, you have to suffer through it too.
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Well, by now you have all heard about the huge contract given to Jayson Werth so that he can patrol RF in Nats Park for ever two years until Bryce Harper is ready. After that? LF, maybe? Who the hell really knows. All that is known at this point is that Rizzo threw a shit ton of cash at the hairy Muppet, and he'll presumably be playing right in front of me in Section 138. So it is with this post that I say to him, "Hi there! Can't wait to see you patrolling RF, as I've always been impressed by your play there at Nats Park. (Even if it was as a stinkin Phillie.)"

Now, there's only really two questions to be answered... 1) Will he keep the beard, and 2) What number will he wear?
If he does have to lose the beard, as Rizzo sort of hints at here, it'll be hard to adjust to him. I mean, let's face it, dude is one hairy guy. In fact, the top three google image searches for Jayson Werth are these three:



We'll see if Werth can conform to Rizzo's "professionally groomed" rule. (Whatever the hell that means.)

As for number 2, I came across this tidbit in a Ken Rosenthal piece the other day.

"In addition, Werth's contract stipulates that the Nationals award him No. 28, his number with the Phillies."

So, Jayson will get to keep his 28, and Michael Morse will wear... well, some other number. [Update #2: This tweet came out last night and states Michael will wear 38.] The big question is, how did it go down? Well, as it always seems to happen, I was actually there while it was being discussed, and witnessed it all myself! Here's what happened.

When Werth asked for 28, Rizzo hesitated a second to ponder poor Michael. And, at that very moment, Jayson got up and screamed, "This is not negotiable!" and started to walk away from the bargaining table, only for Rizzo to stammer out, "Jayson, wait! Just.. wait. Fuck Michael Morse. 28 is all yours, dammit. In fact, Michael lives right next to this very building that we're negotiating in! Let's go next door to give him the news!"

At that point they went to Morse's house and rang the doorbell. I took a picture to capture the moment...


Michael got all flustered, and said, "I'm calling Mr. Rizzo, dude! You can't just take my number, man!" And then, to his disappointment, Mike Rizzo came out of the shadows and took Jayson's side on the issue...

Sorry Mikey. It looks like Rizzo is 100% behind the beard The Contract®. Maybe you can get Mr. Werth to throw you a dollar or two or eleven million for your sacrifice?

(And, yes, since Werth has shaved the beard, I am know changing my nickname of him from "The Hairy Muppet" to "The Contract®." Feel free to push it on every human being you interact with.)

So long, Adam.

Well, I had this post written up last week, but was working on the crappy ass photoshops, and lost track of time. Next thing you know, the Nats go all BIZZARO on us and throw $126 GOD DAMN million dollars at the hairy muppet Jayson Werth, and this post becomes (kind of) moot.

Screw it, I'm posting this anyway, dammit.

So long, Mr. Dunn. You chose to sign with the Chicago White Sox for 4 years and$56MM. I can't say I blame you, as the Nats never went higher than 3 years and ~$35MM. I know how important that fourth year was for you, and good on you for getting it.

I can't say I'll miss screaming at you for taking the walk over hitting a sacrifice fly, but I will miss your personality. You kept it light, and always, always made it seem like you were having fun. In fact, one of my favorite moments of last year was your waving to Josh Willingham for a job well done after he drove in a run with a single.

Wait... who's that in the corner sticking his head into my gif, dammit? ZOOM AND ENHANCE!

Oh, it's Ryan Zimemrman, who said pretty much everything besides "Let Dunn go, and I'm outtie, bro" to Mike Rizzo this year. I actually had a sit down with Ryan right after Dunn signed with the White Sox and reminded him about Adam's... less than spectacular performance in one area. Nope, not his strikeouts. Nope, not his drop in OBP this year. Nope, not even his fielding. I reminded him about...



"Oh yeah," Ryan said. "I forgot I used to ask him 74 times a game to keep his fucking gum in his fucking mouth. I swear, with all the dirt and insects that stuck to his gum, his mouth was as filthy as Chase Utley."

And no one, I mean NO ONE, likes to be reminded of Chase Utley.