Could this World Series get any worse?

You know what? It could. A-Rod could not be 0-8 with 6 Ks, so I shouldn't complain too much.

Fuck it, that's the only redeeming thing in this battle of suck.

On one side you got the Phillies. Ugh. Chase Fucking Utley with his greasy ass head. That Danny Zuko looking mother fucker... leave some oil for the rest of us, Chase. Our cars need gas to run.

Then you got Jayson Werth. Way to go, Jason. It only takes you ten years to develop. You were taken in the first round of the 97 draft, dude. It take you ten years to deliver on your potential? Way to go, you Edge looking idiot.

And no knock really on Matt Stairs... except to say that he looks frighteningly like David Crosby to me at this point in his life. Seriously...


Someone else suggested that he looks like a young Wilford Brimley. Too bad you can't find a single goddamn picture of a young Wilford on the entire internets. So, David Crosby it is. Enjoy the 45 second Photoshop below, folks.


Speaking of look-a-likes, Howie Mandel is playing a mean left field for the Phillies this year.


I could go on, but I won't. This is already twenty minutes of my life talking about the Phillies that I'll never get back. The shame...

And on the other side... The Yankees. Everyone knows the number one hater of the Yankees...


But there's a shit ton of other reasons to hate them. I, however, don't want to give them the stage any longer than I absolutely must. So, with that... the last reason to hate the Yankees...

A-Rod like to punch dudes in the junk. Not cool, Alex. Not. Cool.


So, best case scenario? Massive H1N1 breakout in both clubhouses cancels the 09 Series. Or maybe Malaria? Tuberculosis? Cholera? Now that's some selective culling of the herd I could get behind.

So... about that leave of absence there...

Yeah, it's been a little while... sorry about that. But I have an excuse!

You ever been married? How about engaged? If you said yes, you probably remember well how a bunch of people came up to you to tell you the one secret to a successful marriage. "Never go to bed angry," they said. You know why? Cause it's true! You know why it's true? Because when you sleep, you're most vulnerable!

My last post was Friday, September 25th. You know why? Cause that night, the wife and I went to bed angry with each other. What happened next*? I woke up with a knife handle sticking out of my chest. Crazy broad had stabbed me with a 12" butcher knife and missed my heart by inches.

I had to fall out of bed and army crawl down the stairs, aided by nature's natural lubricant - blood. I got to the phone and called the po-po. Went to the hospital, got all patched up, and now I'm back and ready to get back to blogging life. (Oh, I also have a titanium plate in my chest that I can use to fuck up dudes. I can just grab their heads and ::BAM:: slam it into my chest. I'm still deciding on my superhero name.) I'm telling you, folks, it was a harrowing tale that will soon be told on the scariest show on TV, BIO's "I Survived." (Seriously, have you seen that shit? Un-fucking-real! Whenever I watch it I end up locking all the doors, and double fisting lethal objects. I also get my dogs all worked up so that if someone breaks in, they're ready to tear some meat from some bones.)

[*Small, wee, tiny confession - None of the above is true. Well, I Survived is still the scariest show on TV, and I do whip my dogs into flesh ripping frenzies while watching, but the whole wife stabbing me thing? Yeah, made that up. Look... I just lost track of time. I didn't have anything to blog about one day. Then.. one day turned into two, then five, then... I'm really sorry about that, and I cry myself to sleep every night, I'm just so damn torn up about it. I was embarrassed so I made up that story above to cover for me. But I'm back. And things will be better than ever, you'll see! And, sweetie... if you're reading this? Love you, sugar bear! Happy three days since our first anniversary! Sorry about calling you a crazy broad!]

So, what did I miss while I was away?

Oh. Yeah. Drew Storen has turned to the dark side. Witness him on the left below, next to some other Nats pitcher who's supposed to be pretty good himself. (And shows socks!)


Yep. Despite us socks folks out-voting the pants folks 53-3, I have it on good authority that Drew has turned to a pair of Manny pants. Drew, Drew, Drew. You know who else wears Manny pants?

The Spice Girls

Hobos

And Brett Myers, Drew. BRETT MYERS!!!

I'll still read your new blog posts over at NatsTown, and I'll still root for you when you're throwing, but I will not.. nay, I could not... root for your pants, sir. Unless you put Chase Utley on his ass the first three times you face him. Then? We'd be cool. We'd. Be. Cool. /Winks realllly exaggerated and slow like.

(Photo of Drew in the Hobo pants courtesy the Twitter feed of the always great Pam Storen.)

Zimmerman and Dukes are jive turkeys.

So, I'm watching Ryan Zimmerman hit his 31st HR (and break up a no hitter) the other night, and I happen to notice him celebrating after he reaches the plate. (I do this a lot now, for some reason. Maybe the celebrations are the best part of the game? I mean... I've seen 100 losses. Maybe my brain just focuses on the good shit?)

He high fives (somebody) and then does a weird finger slappy dappy thingamajiggy with Elijah Dukes. I wish I could show you gus what I'm talking about. Shoot. Oh, wait! I made a video. So, without further ado, I present... "Lijah and Ry'n: Brothers from other mothers."

Zim and DOOKS!, separated at birth? from Section 138 on Vimeo.

When you think about it, though, it's not that hard to believe that Ryan Zimmerman and Elijah Dukes have their own hand pound. Sure, Ryan seems like plain vanilla on radio, film, and photo, as well as in real life, but he wasn't always that way, and he may just be busting his soul out again. See, way back in the late 70s, early 80s, Ryan was very tight with Richard Prior. They were Ebony and Ivory before McCartney and Wonder. Heck, they were Salt and Pepper before Salt-n-Pepa. Pryor and Zimmerman did a couple films together, and were pretty damn famous. Ryan eventually got tired of the limelight, however, and moved to the Tidewater,VA area as a 32 year old back in 1987. One night, after being humiliated attempting to impress a younger lady at a carnival, Ryan went to a wish/fortune-telling machine, called Zoltar Speaks and wished he was young again. He woke up the next day as a three year old, and began his life as we know it today.

Most people don't have the faintest idea that this is, in fact, true, though. Even those that have watched the Pryor and Zimmerman movies swear it's Pryor and Gene Wilder, not Ryan Zimmerman. While it is true that Wilder replaced Zimmerman in the later Pryor films such as "See no Evil, Hear no Evil", Ryan was the man in the first few films. And sure enough, every time I point this out to someone, and they watch one of Zim's films with Pryor, it clicks. In fact, here's a clip from their 1980 smash hit "Stir Crazy."

I rest my case, your honor. If it pleases the court, I would like you to rule for the plaintiff, me, in the amount of $150 MM.

(Here's the "Stir Crazy" clip from youtube, by the way.)

About Rob Dibble's reaction to Adam Dunn's 38th HR

Yeah... did anyone else get a little worried for Robbie Dibbs during the call of Adam Dunn's 38th HR last night? I swear to Christ, I thought that man might have been dying. Well, that or pooping.

The latest installment of "crappy ass videos", ladies and germs.

There goes Rob Dibble with his weird noises again. from Section 138 on Vimeo.

Yes, sir. I do believe that man had himself a... a... a accident.

Moving on... can you believe the balls on Joe Torre? I mean... the Nats are getting blown out 14-2 last night in the 8th inning, and Torre brings out Clayton fucking Kershaw! What happened, Joe? Was Sandy Koufax busy? I swear to God, if Riggleman doesn't have someone throw at Torre's head during the exchange of lineup cards tonight, I'm gonna explode*. (Well, not really. That sounds... painful. But I'll be pissed as all get out!)

Well, let's hope Detwiler can right the ship tonight against Chad Billingsly. Rossy D is coming off a damn fine outing (5 IP, 1 ER, 6 K, 1BB) and Chad has been... well... not too good since a disastrous July. The offense can hopefully put up some runs tonight. (Unless Torre starts Fernando Valenzuela, that is. And I bet he does. Ass hat.)

*Yes, I realize Kershaw hadn't pitched in a game since Spt. 5th. And, yes, I realize I just recycled that line from Twitter last night. Who the hell are you, the original content police?

Justin Maxwell: International Man of Mystery

So, Justin Maxwell (Montgomery County, represent!) was the subject of MASN's "Covering the Bases" last night. We got to find out all kinds of goodies like... um... shit, what were they? I think he played basketball as well as baseball. I think he got a scholarship to Maryland. And I seem to remember an interview with his dad, who in it said that Justin didn't have a choice but to go to college, thanks to his mom. We also learned that his dad is/was in the military, is a dentist (as well as his mom), and actually did two or three president's teeth. We also learned that Justin is involved in some sort of a cover up. A big one, too! Like... Obama sized.

MASN popped up a graphic after he completed his at bat in the 4th.


About 10 seconds later, they popped up another graphic.


Ohhhhhhhhh! Controversy! Scandal! Embroilment! (Thanks, thesaurus.com.) Just where was Justin born, hmmm? Was it Olney, as listed in the first graphic? Or, was it Bethesda, as listed in the second graphic?

Why the variation!? Is Justin he really a Muslim from Afghanistan who was born to Osama Bin Laden!? Hmmmmmmm?

Well, no. MASN just has shitty graphic editors, and sloppy fact checkers. Look, I have absolutely no contact with the team or players. I have never had a chance to meet the Maxwells, nor anyone related to him. However... even I know where he was born. With his parents in the military, there's a 99.999999999% chance he was born at the Navy Medical Center in Bethesda, MD. Don't get me wrong... there's not a whole lot wrong with Montgomery General Hospital in Olney, but unless there's a severe life threatening situation to Justin's mom at the time, there's zippy chance they'd go to Montgomery General.

Hey... MASN... need some help over there? No, no, not at screwing shit up (you're doing fine on your own), but doing things like... I dunno... actually previewing the damn graphics before you air them?

Sorry about that. Listen... feel free to pop in here anytime, MASN, and rant about my errors. They are many, and they are large. This dude don't live in no glass house. (Mostly cause that would be hot as shit. Seriously. Sun all beating down on you and shit. No, sir. Not for me.)

One more quick thing before I go, though. (Stop groaning, It'll be quick, folks.) I just wanted to update the status of my annual Pirates bet with my good friend Puttzy. Just to recap...

If the Pirates win the season long series, I will drive down to Charlotte, and pay for your ticket to the Oktoberfest thing they got down there. If the Nats win, you buy tickets for me and my wife, and welcome us and the pets down for an extended weekend. And pay for all the beer that is consumed the entire time. (You kinda win either way, dude! Time with me? Fucking awesome!)

Puttzy accepted, and upped the ante in the comments...

I also propose a new bet. A supplemental bet if you will. Overall record at the end of the season. <...> Supplemental bet: loser buys food at Oktoberfest.

Now, as you probably know, the Nats lost the head to head series 5-3. Congrats, Puttzy, I will pay for your Oktoberfest ticket. (BTW, I will be paying with gold doubloons. I hope there's a pirate bank in Charlotte.)
But, what's up with the season long win loss record for the food? Thanks to Brian Oliver over at NFA, it's easy to follow. You see, the Nats and the Pie Rats happen to be the worst two teams (record wise) in MLB. It looks like this as of today.

MLB		W	L	PCT	GA	Tragic	Left
Washington		50	96	0.342	-	-	16
Pittsburgh		55	89	0.382	6.0	11	18

As you can see, if the Nats go 10-6 to end the season, they will finish at 60-102. The Rats would need to go 4-14 to end the season, thus finishing 59-103.

Yeah, I think I'm screwed, too. Hope you like bread, Puttzy, cause that's all I'm buying your bitch ass to eat. I'll bring some ketchup packets from home, though, to liven it up a little bit. You're welcome.