Friday, April 18, 2008

Guest post time

Since I didn't give you fuck asses a decent post today, I'm going to do something different. I had a commenter (puttzy) send me something he wrote up on what to blame the 4-12 start on. He's a Pirates fan (idiot) so it may be a little biased. I only made a couple comments, but they're in there in italics. Feel free to rip him in the comments. So sit back, and relax, cause this post is about as long as the bible. And just as boring. I also left all the grammar and spelling as is, so take your jabs at Pennsylvania schooling while you're at it.

What is the Nats problem? Offense or Defense? [ed: I think it’s obvious it’s both. Actually, you should’ve thrown in “life skills” as well] Hmmm Which do they need to turn around in order to start winning? Here are a few stats to consider when making up your mind.

The Nats pitching staff has given up 70 walks this season in 144 innings. [ed: Our hero, Mr. Chico has only walked 7 in 24 innings, however. Be sure to remove him from this conversation. His awesomeness is awesome] Yes folks that it 10 * (4 + 3) walks!! They are giving up one walk every other inning! That is about just under 5 free ducks a game! They lead the NL is this prestigious category. [ed: they finished with 3.6/game last year]

Now lets partner that little nugget of information with the fact that they have given up 21 long balls. (Bottom 3 in the NL) [ed: 5 of those belong to Bergie, who was optioned to AAA. See? We can identify, and deal with, the suckiest of the suckiest] Maybe they should have thought about the pitching staff a little more when building that ball park. [ed: They’ve played 7 home games vs. 9 road games. I’d like to see the home/away split] I vote for a redesign and make the outfield wall share a fence with the white house!

So you have lots of walk plus lots of homeruns (or should that me times a lot of homeruns) and what do you get. . . . A 4.63 ERA. Not too bad I guess. If your team is named the Pirates! [ed: the 2007 NL average was 4.43, and the Nats finished with 4.58, so it looks to be on par for the whole season]Only two teams have a higher ERA in the NL, one of them is the Pirates and the other is the Marlins. Not exactly company you want to keep. But hey - atleast we are better than someone!!

Wow. Just wow. Only 119 hits for the pesky nats. Might not be too bad until you consider that the teams has had a combined 543 AB's. Do you want to do the math, or should I? Oh what the heck I'm feeling generous. That is a romper stompering .219. (another league low) Wait a second Didn't I just conclude that the walls were too short? Any chance we can hide some midgets to subtly move the wall when we are batting? [ed: Again, if you’re gonna pick on the park, lets see some home/away splits]

Ok Ok. Batting average and hits aren't everything. Lets look at some other random category. *spins big wheel of offensive stats* do do do do . . .do . . .do . . . . .do. Stolen bases. lets see. Four (4 for those of you not good with words) Not the worst in the league that honor goes to Atlanta with 3 (and one fewer game). . . . oh wait a second we also have 4 caught steeling. [ed: Jesus, Kearnsie accounts for half of those himself. I blame Tim Tolman, however. That fuck finger couldn’t direct a player out of a paper bag] Talk about 1 step forward, one step back. I think if get a man on base we should just stay content to leave him there. We can't advance him with our bats and apparently we cant let him run wild either.

Damn. Let’s try something a little more scientific and see how we fare. A nice stat to judge offensive production is OnBase % + slugging %(OPS). Yeah now we are getting somewhere. Sit back folks here comes a bomb!! 75!! Oh yeah 75!! Wait what the hell does that mean and how does it compare to other teams . . . Shit second to last, and only 1 of 7 teams in double digits. [ed: I’ll be honest. I ain’t got shit. That OPS is horrendous. Horrendesly horrendous] Forget that scientific stuff we have heart!!


Andrew Fox said...

Bill James he ain't. I could have summed up that article without including 2nd grade level analysis and numbers. How so? Like this: the Nats SUCK.

But fear not, those who fear. The Weapon will be fine tuned for launching moonshots sometime in July. After all, this is still his spring training. Not to mention the return of E-Dukes, the silence behind the violence. Or maybe he's the texting behind the wrecking.

I'm not even shittin', dawg. Your kids, too.

Andrew Fox said...

I posted a comment on Barry's blog as Elijah Dukes. Let's see how long I can run this.

Maryland Conservatarian said...

...on the bright side - I could have bought the MLB package and got sucked into that Colorado - SD game last night. As it is, a game over just before midnight means I got off lightly.

Phishisgr8 said...

y'alls crazy in here!

Phishisgr8 said...

As it is, a game over just before midnight means I got off lightly.

Very true. I somehow feel robbed, however, for having to sit through 14 innings just to see it end on a wild pitch. I mean, seriously. Any ending would've been better than that ending.

Rob said...

The fucking Nats, what a joke. I seriously feel bad for you fans and the summer you have to put up with. I think the American Indians had less of a plight on that whole trail of tears thing. And, Gavin, who's grammer are you questioning? when you shorten "you are" it is "you're", not "your". Geez.

Phishisgr8 said...

On the to do list for today:

1) Wikipedia "Trail of Tears." It sounds like a lifetime movie title. Those things are awesome!

2) Fire editor for missing that, and hire "rob" for the gig. I'll habd over the keys to this here blog when I see a resume, good sir.

3) Call Jacoby and Joba and apologize. Apologize for them playing for LOSERS! YA! Buurrrn.